Heartbeat…check!

OB Ultrasound was on Friday and everything looked “perfect”! And there is only ONE! I was officially discharged from the RE Office and set free to the real world/fertile land at the OB Office. I called to make an appointment today and the receptionist told me that they might not do an ultrasound at the 2nd appt. since I just had one at 7 weeks. Umm, excuse me???? Does she realize who she is talking to? She obviously has no idea what is on my reproductive resume, or that I am “accustomed” to regular ultrasounds.. or that I am consumed with fear that I will lose this pregnancy. This may be a deal breaker, seriously. If they do not want to do one at 10 weeks I just might have to go to another OB.

As I write I am feeling a wave of nausea, which gives me such peace of mind. I had been feeling SO incredibly sick over the past couple weeks and then woke up the other day feeling perfectly fine. Loss of symptoms = loss of pregnancy, so of course I’ve been panicking.

I think I may be more nervous with this pregnancy than with my first. It just feels too good to be true. Once you consider yourself “infertile”, it is hard to imagine that you would be so lucky to have 2 successful pregnancies and 2 healthy babies.

It doesnt help that I have been reading about Bethany Frankel’s recent miscarriage at 8 weeks, AFTER they had a normal ultrasound. ?!?

I know, I really just need to relax!

Another Shocker!

It looks like 4 is my lucky number because Ive got myself a BFP! I’m totally floored and in disbelief. What are the chances that I would get pregnant TWICE from 4 cell (3 day) embryos and have NO luck with 8 cells?! I cant believe it. The beta numbers are also ridiculously high so I’m wondering if there could be two in there…?! Today was 23 days post transfer and it is at 12, 249!! WTF!? I looked at some charts online and that number is basically off the charts. I have no idea what that means but I’m nervous as hell. I asked the R.E Nurse if this was unusually high but as usual she was useless.

My mind is mush right now. After getting back from vacation on Sunday, my car broke down and I had a job interview the next morning. So don’t ask me to concentrate on anything because my head is spinning like crazy.

Ive never wanted anything so much in my life. ONE baby was a dream come true. TWO would be a miracle. I feel like the luckiest girl alive.

 

IVF #2 (For Baby #2)

I had high hopes for this cycle. We tried a different protocol. We successfully retrieved 16 eggs and 11 of them fertilized. Transfer day was Mother’s Day… happy thoughts and high hopes all around!

Those ended as soon as the doctor walked in as I sat bottomless in the cold, dim transfer room. I was able to peer down on his paper before he started his schpele and saw the 2 embryos listed: 4BF and 4BF. WTF??!!!

Nothing left to freeze.

What happened?? Am I really here again? Yes, I did get pregnant before from a 4 cell embryo but I feel like we hit the lottery on that cycle. Im not sure what the chances are that we will hit the lottery twice.

My husband doesn’t understand my sadness. He thinks I should be looking at the positive side of things. Yes, we did transfer 2 embryos and I could end up  pregnant. Yes, we do have a beautiful baby girl who amazes us every day and has captured out hearts.

But, it STILL HURTS. I still feel like a failure and like my life has been derailed. Im not ready to give away the baby clothes and crib. I have saved my bjorn and breast pump and intend to use them again. I have a “Big Sister” Tshirt for Lily  to wear for when we make the big announcement. My family is not yet complete.

God whispered to me when I was very young and he told me that I was going to have children...(plural).  He told me this. I have always known it in my heart and have looked forward to it my entire life. So when do I stop trying?

 

Sunshine

I found myself breaking down in tears this morning at 3am as I rocked Lily back to sleep as we listed to a pretty version of “You are My Sunshine” on one of her many CD’s. These lyrics have always made me emotional, for those I love who are here, were here…. and are not here yet. 

The other night dear as I laid sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear I was mistaken and I hung my head and cry
You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies’re grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you please don’t take my sunshine away

5 weeks: It’s OVER

I started writing a post on Saturday about how everything was going fine and how excited I was to be putting this infertility bullshit behind me. I also wrote about still having fear that something was going to go wrong, and also some weird feelings of sadness of knowing this would definitely me my last and final pregnancy. I never finished the post.

On Sunday morning I woke up to see blood clots in the toilet. I rushed in for a beta test and had to wait around all day to get the results that the beta #s were not as high as they should be and that I should come back on Tuesday for another blood test. Really?! So you want me to go along with my normal routine thinking I am still pregnant?! I basically asked the nurse to please just rip off the fucking band-aid and tell me that this is fucking over and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. She told me to prepare for the worst. So. Fucking. Awesome.

So my Christmas IVF was a total bust. The only 3 “good” embryos were actually no good after all. I am in disbelief.

And now we start over. It’s beginning to feel like a way of life now. But the hardest part is not the process of IVF. It’s not the needles, medications and endless doctor’s visits. That part is easy in comparison. The truly heart-wrenching , exhausting, miserable and terrifying part of this is the unknown. You have no idea if any of it is going to work. There are no guarantees. And in the meantime, your friends get pregnant with their 2nd and 3rd babies. You might put your career on hold, because who wants to start a new job with more responsibilities when you are an emotional and physical wreck?  You save the baby clothes and maternity clothes and you wait. You wait and you hope.

I look ahead at 2012 and wonder what it has in store. IVF#3, IVF #4, IVF#5? Will I turn into a joyful mother of two, or a heartbroken mother who didn’t have the chance to have a second child because her body failed her?

In the end, we have Lily who is perfect. I am already joyful. She brings us more joy than we ever could have imagined and I would always consider myself blessed to have her as my only baby.

I would be OK with one. I would just like the power to decide.

Two Lines!! (Unromanticized)

I heard a story on the radio last month on Valentines Day, about a woman who wrapped up a positive pregnancy test and gave it to her husband as a gift. I thought that was really sweet, but knew I could never do it. A positive pregnancy test to me is just that, a positive (at home) result.  There are so many things that could go wrong at this point and the fear of not being able to get pregnant (again) is too great. 

This morning, I got a positive result and wish so badly that I could celebrate. I thought about taking a picture of the test and texting it to my husband, but didn’t want to get his hopes up. 

OK, Im excited. We’ll see what the blood test says!

 

Project Baby #2

…in IVF land is a complicated thing.

On one hand, this should be a cake walk. I’ve gone through the motions. I know the drill. I know that I CAN get pregnant. And the stakes shouldn’t  be as high since I already have a healthy, happy beautiful baby. Right? So basically, if it does not work out we can shrug our shoulders and say, “oh well”,  and then go out for ice cream.

As much I as I would like to say that and mean it, I can’t. It still hurts. My heart is full of love for my daughter and I don’t take for granted for a second the fact that I have been given such a precious gift. She is a miracle. But I guess I must be a selfish person because I think I deserve another one. If most people can decide to reproduce on a wimb, or in the midst of passion, or to try for a specific sex,,,, why should I feel guilty for desiring one more? If the fucking Duggers can have 20 kids why can’t I have TWO? Why do I have to feel guilty for that, just because I am in IVF land?

Before I had Lily I felt a huge void in my life and in my heart that only a child could fill. It’s not as big, but it’s still there. Before I got pregnant with Lily I was on the ledge, and she saved me. She saved me from drowning in such deep sorrow and from losing my sense of purpose. So now, I am whole. I am basking in  this sweet, perfect love but my biological/maternal instincts are making me crave more. More for me, but also for my whole family.

If I had read this post pre-pregnancy I would have hated me. I would have been sickened by my selfishness and ungratefulness. I would have thought that I was fucking nuts and would wonder why I couldn’t just be satisfied with one baby, given that so many never even get to experience that.  I can hear it in some friends’ voices as I tell them what I’ve been going through each week with the needles, medications, doctor’s visits, etc. They’ll never say it, but I know they think Im nuts and maybe a bit obsessed.

But Im not obsessed. Im 36 and I am infertile. The only way I can potentially get pregnant is through medical intervention. It requires months and months of preparation, planning, waiting, probing, medicating, more medicating, more waiting, testing, failing and then doing it all over again. So for all of you well meaning fertile friends,  do NOT tell me to fucking relax. Do NOT tell me not to rush it. And do NOT tell me that maybe I should just be happy with one. Because YOU are in control of your reproductive systems and can choose to fulfill or not to fulfill all of your maternal desires . I am not so lucky.

Transfer Day (posted a week later..)

Wow. I had  2 embryos transferred today. One 8 cell Grade B and one 4 cell grade B. I was so relieved to know that they survived the thaw this morning, and was so nervous that the doctor was going to tell me upon arrival and that the embryos had spontaneously arrested and that I could turn around and go home with an empty uterus.

I am  more nervous than excited. I won’t let myself be too excited because unfortunately I feel defeated and jaded after our BFN last month.  Even though I was blessed enough to have my first IVF result in a successful pregnancy,  I still feel scared and depressed as I go through this process. I’m not thinking about baby names or decorating a nursery. I just feel the dark, heaviness of infertility creeping its way back into my life.

I remember looking at a picture in a magazine many years ago of a stunningly beautiful woman, lying down as her 3 young boys surrounded her. They were crawling on her like  little cubs. You could tell how much they loved her, and how deeply happy she was. I wanted that. I wanted to be the Mama Lion surrounded by my babies,  feeling their warmth and showering them with my love and protection. I hate that I might not have that. I know how lucky I am to have my one precious, perfect cub. But there is room in our den for one more, and more than enough room in our hearts

Back in the Saddle

Wow, it’s been a while. Oh, how I have missed writing, reading and commiserating with all of you! Unfortunately I just have not had much free time to write this past year. Along with the arrival of Baby Lily, we moved farther away from my job so my commute is between 2 1/2 -3 hours a day. It’s been pretty freaking crazy but I really can’t complain since Lily is here and she is amazing.

So amazing, in fact that we decided to try for another. We tried another IVF cycle in December. I took a leap of faith and went for it, even though I knew that it would make me a crazy person over Christmas. I went in on Christmas morning for the retrieval. 16 eggs! 3 days later they transferred a single 8 cell grade A embryo. 2 weeks later we found out it was a BFN. It was NOT a Christmas miracle.

We did end up with two frosties which we will transfer on 2/21. Im taking estrogen now and it is kicking my fucking ass. Speaking of ass, I also have to take shots of progesterone in my ass starting in a few days. I thought the FET prep was going to be easier! So far, not so much.

It is different this time around. Obviously I don’t have time to analyze every step and think about it 24/7. So, in that sense it is better because Im so busy with Lily that I can’t sit around being a Debbie Downer all day. Thankfully Lily decided to take a nice 2+ hour nap on the day I found out the IVF was a BFN. I laid in bed and cried my eyes out. But when she was up, it was over. I had to be strong for her.

It is different now. Lily is my miracle and my ultimate joy. I still am in disbelief that she is here and that she is mine. Life is so filled with details, so it is easy to get caught up in the constant every day planning ,and to forget to soak in the blessings in our lives. Even after 16 months, and after taking her on multiple vacations, having her Christened and celebrating her 1st Birthday, I still second guess myself when I say, “my daughter..”, because it is still so hard to believe it’s true.

Infertility is still real though and it is still fucking up my life. The process I am going through now makes me physically, mentally and emotionally weak- which affects my abilities to be the best mom to Lily. She deserves a sibling. She deserves someone who will be there for her , always. Someone to share a childhood with, life with and a future with.

In my heart, I really feel like there is another little soul floating out there, waiting to find life in me and with our family. I am positive and hopeful, but still scared.

A New Year…A New Beginning

Happy New Year! I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. These last few months have been very eventful to say the least. Lily is now 13 weeks and is such a joy. Being a mommy to her is definitely the best job I have ever had and the most rewarding. Honestly, it is hard to sum up new parenthood in few words. It goes without saying that she is my life, my heart and darn right adorable. We have been blessed with a healthy, good and happy baby and I feel like I have hit the lottery. I do have more thoughts on parenthood that I plan to elaborate on in future posts but for now I’ll just share some entertaining details about my life.

Overall, my time with Lily has been great, but it certainly could have been better if not for the shit-show that was my maternity leave. Let’s itemize the crap for a brief summary:

• A few weeks before my due date, we moved into our new home which we were buying from my Mother-in-Law. She was still living here, but it made sense to “overlap” residences since our old house sold so quickly and we were both scheduled to close on our new mortgages in a few short weeks. Due to several stupid closing complications, those 3 weeks turned into 3 MONTHS. Yes, you read that correctly. We had been living with my Mother in Law from September 6th until Dec 10th. Most of my friends can barely stand their MIL’s for a weekend, let alone 3 months..with a newborn! My MIL is also a compulsive talker, which only made for a more exhausting and stressful living experience. I feel like I could have created a blog devoted to that living situation alone.
• When Lily was 2 weeks old, DH had to have emergency back surgery. He had two bulging discs which were causing pressure on his sciatic nerve-and he could barely walk, let alone drive. I know it wasn’t his fault, but I had very little sympathy for him. To top it off, MIL was more annoying than helpful. Fucking nightmare. At that point I seriously thought I was being Punked.
• I was also having major difficulty breastfeeding. Lily was chomping away on my nipples and the pain was excruciating. I tried special healing creme (Apno) and then started using nipple guards. These caused even more problems because baby would just suck on the guard without getting enough milk. I didn’t realize this until her 2nd weight check when she hadn’t gained any weight. Cue the tears, guilt and devastation. I became good friends with formula and my breast pump after that. (*She is now in the 75th percentile for size..yippee!)
• Throughout all of this ridiculousness, the health of our long time companion and family member, Timber , was plummeting. He was unable to walk upstairs and was slowly wasting away. Finally, 2 weeks before Christmas, we had to say goodbye. It was so heartbreaking to lose such a loyal and loving pet, but at the same time it was a huge relief to know that he was no longer in pain.

It has been quite the whirlwind!  I didn’t think I could handle the stress of the holidays after all of that but we ended up having such a special Christmas with Lily. Right now, I am just so ready to start this new year with a new beginning. I’ll be starting my new life as a working mom, in our new (pet-free) home. Our new family.  I am really looking forward to enjoying my time with Lily without all of the craziness.

Despite it all though, 2010 was still my best year yet.

Next Post: Thoughts on motherhood, Working, etc

 

My Sweet Lily

She’s here! We welcomed Lily into the world on Saturday, Oct 2nd at 3pm. She is just perfect! It is totally surreal, amazing, wonderful and terrifying. I just cant believe that this precious little creature is mine! Or how much your life can change in a matter of days.  All of a sudden I am a proud and worried mommy, and so many things that mattered before don’t anymore. It scares me at how much I love this baby and how much she has a hold of my heart.

As far as labors go, mine was not that bad. I started feeling light cramping on Saturday morning and wasn’t even sure if I was even in labor. We decided to go to the hospital but stopped on the way so that DH could get a hair cut! I was giggling on the way to the hospital and thought that they might send me home since I wasn’t in too much pain. But the moment I stepped out of the car, my water broke and the contractions weren’t so funny anymore! Even though I was 10 centimeters dilated by the time I got to the labor room (!!), they still had time to administer an epidural.. thank god. (In Homer Simpson Voice: Mmmm… epidural…) I pushed for a total of 30 minutes and out she came! I didn’t cry like I thought I would. I couldn’t even believe my eyes, and couldn’t comprehend where she got a full head of dark hair!!?! (My husband and I were both light haired kids)

We did both cry on the way home from the hospital, so overcome with joy that we were were finally bringing our daughter home. I find myself tearing up at random moments because I just cannot believe that I really have been given this precious gift. For example, moments like at the doctor’s office when the nurses were making a big fuss over her, if she is looking especially cute, or whenever I try to sing “You Are My Sunshine” and cant get through the whole thing because Im so choked up.

So here I am.. awake at 3:30 in the morning, sitting and staring at my sleeping daughter, not caring that I probably wont be going back to bed until tomorrow night. It’s hard to let myself sleep because I feel like I should always be either feeding her, holding her or watching her. I just need to forget about the chores and my “to-do” list for a little while….and cherish every single second of being with this sweet, perfect little girl.

She is almost here!

I will be 40 weeks on Monday so am just about cooked! It is completely and utterly surreal. I have also been dilated at 3-4 cm for several weeks now, which puts us even more on edge than we would usually be. The baby’s room is ready, my bag is packed and I think I’ve got all of the “essential” products and materials stocked. Now all we need is a baby! I am using up my last free days of selfish time by relaxing, cooking, making trips to Target, getting my hair colored, toes pedicured and eyebrows waxed. Who knows when I will be able to get out to the spa again? My healthy eating habits have gone out the window over the past few weeks though, and I have been plowing through ice cream, cookies, etc with wild abandon. (It’s not fair that those of us who go to term or past term, naturally end up gaining more total weight than those who go earlier!) My total weight gain is creeping past my 35 lbs “max”, but since I feel good and baby is on track I’m not too worried. I’m ready to start taking some fall walks with the stroller as soon as we are feeling up to it.

Unfortunately, I have already used up one week of my maternity leave so hopefully she will arrive soon so I wont have to waste much more time.  I just couldn’t work right up to my due date being dilated for so long. The stress of possibly going into labor at work was too much for me and I also needed a break from the commute! Guess I am not one of those cool women of the millennium who work right up to their due dates. Kudos to them. I like the old-fashioned way of thinking… and just want to put my swollen feet up!

I am definitely feeling the baby’s larger size now as she is kicking, punching and squirming  around. As much as I have been in love with this belly and this pregnancy, I am ready to face the challenges ahead and meet this little person who I have been waiting all year for. Will she ever realize or understand just how loved, needed and wanted she is? She may, but not for a long time.

I feel like I am walking into a whole new world that I could never before comprehend and will never look back. Im ready. We’ve been through so much to get here and we’ve made it. Here we go…..

33 week Update

Here I am at 33 weeks pregnant. My latest goal is to make it to 34 weeks, which seems to be a safe time for delivery and when the vast majority of delivered babies “seem to do just fine with no long-term health issues.” The reality is still sinking in, as I feel her whole body shift and roll around inside me and I see her tiny limbs poke outside of my belly. I knew I would feel kicks, but had no idea that the movement would be this strong! I am so amazed at  this little creature and am so curious about what she will look like and what kind of person she will be.

Overall I feel great. Aside from a little anemia, swollen feet and uncomfortable sleep, the pregnancy has been pretty wonderful. (I must have already blocked out all of the nausea in my 1st trimester!) Since my weight was so f-ed up from IVF I don’t know for sure how much I have gained, but I guess I am about 30 pounds above my normal weight. I am using the excuse of undiagnosed anemia and RECORD BREAKING heat for my lack of exercise. It’s hard enough to make it up a flight of stairs with a laundry basket let alone survive  a 2-3 mile walk in 90 degree heat. My face and ass have not blown up thank goodness, but my ankles have disappeared! I wear flip-flops to work every day and I cannot stuff these swollen size 10’s in any of my cute heels OR flats.

We just accepted an offer on our house and I am trying to keep the stress level to a minimum. I still need to schedule the delivery of the nursery furniture, line up day care and find a pediatrician but cannot do this until we get this damn P&S contract signed. We are buying my MIL’s house and she still has not found a new place. Once again, I am taking deep breaths and trying not to get stressed out about the prospect of living with the MIL AND all of her stuff for a while. I decided that all I need is an organized and peaceful space for baby. Our stuff can be sorted out later.

After much indecisiveness, we decided to take the one day child-birth class. I had heard conflicting opinions about these classes but figured that we might as well go since we are pretty clueless first time parents. I am really glad we went because our teacher was amazing and I left with a great sense of confidence and excitement. She wasn’t biased towards “natural” delivery , was very informative about the labor process and also had a good sense of humor. My eyes welled up as she described the delivery and the moment when they put your baby on your chest. I still cant believe this is all really happening.

I can feel myself changing. My existence of daughter, wife and sister is already shifting to a much bigger role: mother.  I can also see the shift in my husband as he drives 30 minutes after work to our new house to strip wall paper, paint and prepare a room for his daughter. I washed my first load of baby clothes in Dreft  and carefully folded each little item while picturing her in each one. Already, we just want to protect this little baby and keep her clean, safe and warm.

Even as we approach and reach all of these milestones and go through the motions of preparation, it is all still so surreal.  I wake up every morning a little surprised at this belly and in disbelief that I have been given this gift.  It feels like I am dreaming or living someone else’s life. The ride is still a scary one though, and I realize that it has only just begun.

Just Checking In…

Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post! The last 3 months have been the most joyous yet nerve-racking of my life.  Thankfully, my pregnancy has been progressing wonderfully and I am just about 26 weeks! Although I haven’t had any problems since my threatened miscarriage in February, I have still not been exactly relaxed  or carefree.   I did order an at home heart beat monitor which I used 1-2 times a week just for piece of mind.  I would panic at each ultrasound, so fearful that they would not be able to hear a heartbeat. I was too afraid to do much planning and couldn’t believe it when my sister-in-law wanted to start planning a shower last month.  My SIL is a one of those girls who can get knocked up just looking a her husband, so in my crazy infertile brain, I felt like she was being a little presumptuous and was going to jinx it. I just went along with all of the excitement of family and friends, when inside I was still in such disbelief and so afraid that this miracle inside me was going to be to taken away.

Lately though, ever since we found out that we are having a baby girl, and ever since I have started to feel her move around, I have truly been enjoying the reality and am treasuring each moment. OK, so I already have started baby clothes shopping. I just finally decided to go for it since this may be my only pregnancy and I might as well enjoy it. My little (Lily, Annabelle, Madeline??) punches and kicks me every day and I love every second of it. But the worry is still there.

Just this week while vacationing in Florida, I was sure that something was wrong because I wasnt feeling her move that much. I had been sitting by the pool in 90++ degree weather and was convinced that she was overheated. Stupid me didn’t realize how dangerous it is for a pregnant lady to be overheated or dehydrated since the baby is always around 1 degree hotter than mom and has no way of cooling off. I immediately moved into the A/C and contemplated going to the ER. I was in tears, feeling so irresponsible and selfish. Thankfully, I knew she was fine after I drank some OJ and laid down for a while. All she needed was a little sugar boost.

While the panic of losing the pregnancy has subsided, there is still so much more to panic about. It hit me really hard last night that I am responsible for this little baby’s life.  I was trying to lean over a table to plug in a lamp and couldn’t because my belly was in the way. I was being careful of my stomach by not leaning too much  but finally had to give up and call hubby for help. I sat there, feeling so helpless and terrified that I had just crushed my baby’s head on the table’s edge. I sat there in tears, holding my belly as the immense responsibility of motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks.  Can I do this? Am I going to be able to care for this baby? I can’t even plug a damn lamp in without feeling like I’m hurting her, how the hell am I going to care for this little one when she is here? Holy. Shit. The worry continues.

I’m honestly not sure where this blog will go from here, because I obviously have lost my blogger mojo and feel a little strange sometimes writing about the joys and fears of pregnancy on my infertility blog. I do know that I am still so interested in all of your stories and journeys and will continue to follow along with you. I will also post updates here and there, because writing and sharing always helps to put things into perspective.

Almost Out of the Woods!

I can’t believe how close I am to being out of my first trimester. On Monday I will 11 weeks! It’s hard to believe.

Our trip to Grand Cayman was amazing and much needed! It was so great to escape the cold weather, feel my toes in the sand and just relax. I read a couple books and was able to “just be” for a little while. Although, I must say that I know now why it is not recommended to travel in your first trimester, especially if you are experiencing morning sickness (A.K.A Morning/Noon/Night Sickness). Umm, hello, turbulence!!! This turbulent flight did not bode well for me and I ended up running to the (thankfully) vacant plane lavatory and vomiting in the pathetic, gross, silver toilet. Blue toilet water splashed in my face and stained my white linen jacket. This was while my dear husband was back in his seat enjoying a few cocktails. So not fair.

Eating out is one of my all time favorite things to do (especially on vacation!) and I love trying new foods. But but choosing a safe entree these days has been a very challenging task. A made an early mistake of sucking down a seemingly innocent virgin strawberry daiquiri, only to run to the bathroom to throw my guts up 5 minutes later. Must have been the sugar (?).  While I normally would have been enjoying fresh fish, fruits, vegetables and chicken dishes—I instead ordered a burger and fries almost every night!  Am I already failing as a mother? I really want to nourish myself and growing baby with more nutrients but can only seem to eat things that are white and generally not healthy.

Last night I stopped at Whole Foods to grab something for dinner. (Cooking anything other than boxed macaroni and cheese lately just isn’t an option.) I staggered through the aisles so exhausted from the trip and the work week with barely any energy to carry a basket around. I picked up a roasted chicken and fresh bread for hubby. Because chicken has been grossing me out, I decided to peruse the dreamy salad/prepared foods bar. My mind and heart were pulling me towards the vegetables but my sour stomach pulled me towards the pasta, and then the fried foods section. On top of the pasta I added 4 big french fries and a few onion rings. Im so sorry little baby. I promise to feed you better soon!

9 week ultrasound

Wow, another huge milestone has passed! I had my very first OBGYN appt this morning and got to see my little gummy bear’s heartbeat on the ultrasound. Sweet relief! I had been getting very nervous because all of a sudden last week my boobs stopped hurting.  Google was not my friend in this situation because with “loss of symptoms” comes miscarriage. Since I was still nauseous I felt a little reassured but then read somewhere on an evil website that “sometimes hormones continue to cause symptoms even after the heartbeat has stopped”. OK, I really need to stop with the googling!!

I must say though that the OB ultrasound was not nearly as fun as ultrasounds at my R.E’s office. The ultrasound tech was a total biatch. I thought I was at the freaken RMV with the attitude she was giving me. She was not happy with me that I didn’t remember exactly when my LMP was. Sorry, lady but it doesn’t matter!? Have you ever heard of Lupron, egg retrievals or embryo transfers?  Well they completely negate your good old LMP. I was totally wrong when  I thought I would get some extra love being an IVF patient. No love, just attitude.

It’s OK though because the most important thing was seeing that heartbeat. It was my first jelly belly ultrasound which also felt very “real pregnant person like.” The heartbeat was 158 bpm which is very good. My husband and I were thrilled.

More good news to share. It turns out that not everyone in my OB Office has an attitude. The OB herself is amazing AND the nurse told me that I can come in anytime to hear the heartbeat on the doppler!!! Heaven to an infertile’s ears!  I just know I will become an addict!

So now I am off to sit on the beach on Grand Cayman for 6 days. This trip could not have come at a better time. I need to escape this raw cold weather, soak in some sun and soak all of this in….  Virgin Pina Colada in hand…

Awards

Happy weekend! I am so honored to be the recipient of 4 blogger awards! Venting Vagina has graciously awarded me with the Lemonade Award and A from Remember All the Way awarded me with 3 others (!)–The Sunshine Award, Your Going Places and The Happy 101 Award. Thank you so much! I actually received the Lemonade award back in January, but unfortunately it fell right around my IVF week which turned out to be heartbreaking and disappointing (little did I know!). Ever since then I feel like I have been in a haze of confusion and disbelief, and was feeling more like a sour lemon than lemonade. But now I think I can finally formally accept this award with confident, positive attitude!

So I am going to cheat a little bit and only pass on 2 of these awards. The Sunshine and the Happy Award. The Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blog world.The Happy Award, similarly, is given to those with “sweet thoughts and kind words.” When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award.

Here are 10 things that make my day:

1.) Warm and inspiring comments from blogger friends

2.) A long conversation with an old cherished friend

3.) Smoothies

4.) Jack Bauer

5.) Going to my favorite little Italian restaurant with my hubby

6.) Good wine and good company

7.) Hugging and kissing my big (old) puppy

8.) Tai food

9.) When my Dad calls me Julie Pie

10.) Imagining the greatest blessing we will soon have , and all of the joy that will bring

I would like to nominate and honor the following, not only for their  inspiring and motivating blogs but also for the supportive and heartfelt comments they have left for me..

1.) Venting Vagina

2.) IF Crossroads

3.) Wait, What?

4.) Making me Mom

5.) Ambivalent Womb

6.) Below Average Athlete

7.) Does this Suit your Copperosity?

8.) Peanut Noodle

9.) Build in Birth Control

10.) Baby on Mind

Have  great weekend. I’m off to get a bikini wax and pedicure in preparation for the vaca. Whoo hoo…

P.S. Have you ever spent time looking for something and the whole time it was right in front of your face? I am embarrassed to admit that I cannot figure out how to add pdf images to my side bar. Blame it on my foggy pregnancy brain. Can anyone with a WordPress blog help me with this? The “Image” Widget does not appear to have an upload feature….

Hangin’ in at 8 1/2 weeks

It’s been a while since my last post. It’s weird because you might think that I would have a lot to say being a newly pregnant person. But other than discussing what food and beverages best cure nausea, I really don’t have anything interesting, entertaining, insightful or creative to write. I’m slowly grasping this new   reality, and need to reassure myself every morning that it is still real. Ridiculously vivid dreams? Check! Sore boobs? Check! Nausea and food aversions? Check! Extreme fatigue? Check! Constipation? Check!

My focus each day is finding something to  wear that I still fit into and something to eat that will settle my stomach. When I get home from work I wrap myself in a blanket and watch all of the quality shows that cable TV has to offer. Bedtime is around 9pm. While I haven’t been up for posting, I have still been thinking about all of you and have been trying to stay updated on all of your latest events. I have been feeling disconnected and guilty for neglecting my blog and have been unsure about where to take it from here. I want my blog to be meaningful, not filled with the mundane details of pregnancy symptoms. I also want to feel connected  and to be supportive of others. I hope that I will still be able to do this, but right now the road ahead is completely unknown . I guess I will just have to wait and see how things go.

So I have officially graduated from the R.E and have my first OB appt this Monday!! Because I had a threatened miscarriage and because I am getting on a plane next Wednesday to head to the Caribbean, I was able to schedule an ultrasound! Woohoo! So psyched about that.   If things look good at 9 weeks, I can finally relax right?

P.S. I have 4 awards to give out!! These are coming soon…..

Still Preggers!!

Holy crap!! I went into the R.E. office this morning with a bad crying hangover thinking it was over. I expected to be told that the embryo was no more and that I needed to stay for a D&C. I even told the ultrasound tech as I took my pants off to expect a lot of tears. But then, we saw AND heard the heartbeat. 119.5 beats per minute!!! This is what they normally see at 8 weeks!! Holy shit. If this ride hasn’t been a fucking emotional roller coaster I don’t know what is.  Everything was measuring as normal and the gestational sac is in the right place. They did see the area on the ultrasound where the bleeding was coming from but couldn’t really explain what was causing it. Honestly, there was a lot more information but I was too in shock to absorb it all. Another good thing is that the bleeding has almost stopped and the blood is dark, as opposed to bright red.  This means it’s old blood (so gross I know).

We met with the R.E. afterwards and he called it a “threatened miscarriage”. He said that I should stay on bed rest until the bleeding stops. So here I am home from work again, seriously considering coming clean to my boss so he doesn’t think I’m either a.) making it up for days off or b.) dying from a terrible disease.

Thank you to everyone who posted such thoughtful and encouraging words yesterday. I really needed them!!

Crashing Down???!!!

This morning I woke up pregnant. Now, I fear it is all crashing down. About an hour after I posted my 6 week update, I felt a little gush, and hoped that it was just discharge or urine. Nope, it was blood. I ran to the bathroom and felt another gush. Bright red blood. I immediately started crying and called my R.E. nurse. She told me she would see if she could get me in today for an ultrasound but if not I should go to the emergency room. She said she ‘d call me right back. Tears. Called my  husband to come home. More sobs. The nurse finally called back after a half hour and told me they could get me in at 8:00am tomorrow (bullshit) and that I should stay calm and try not to worry too much. She said a lot of women experience bleeding in pregnancy and that everything could still be OK. She told me to stay off my feet for the rest of the day and to call back if I experienced a fever, bad cramping or clotting. My husband and I cried together.

So now I have to spend the rest of the day laying on the couch wondering if this pregnancy is over or not. I’m not feeling too positive and I’m scared shitless about what comes next. Ever since I got back my IVF results I have stared down a path of more heartache, despair and failure. I was ready to close the door on that but it looks like it is still wide open.  I just don’t know how I would survive this.

Well, tomorrow I’ll know. At least I don’t have to wait 5 more days for my ultrasound.