Monthly Archives: January 2010

Beta #2

So I’m still pregnant..hooray! My beta results yesterday showed levels that more than doubled to 510! This is great news, but I’m still terrified that something will go wrong because this is too good to be true. What are the chances that this lone survivor from 20 eggs, an itty bitty 4 cell embryo, would actually turn into a pregnancy?!? It is truly a miracle. Every morning I wake up and check to see if my boobs are still sore just to give myself peace of mind that I’m still pregnant.

I’m pregnant. I still haven’t really used those word yet. I have instead been describing my current state in the form of beta levels. Although, I did  say them yesterday as I was getting my H1N1 shot. I figured I should make them aware just in case. The nurse didn’t seem to care though and only reassured me that the shot was safe. If she only knew what this pregnancy meant and what a huge deal it was for me to say those words. Last week, I didn’t know if I ever would.

So Monday I go back for another beta and if that looks good we schedule an ultrasound. I could have sworn the nurse said “OB ultrasound” but it’s way too early for that, right? What a huge leap that will be. In the meantime, I’m taking it day by day, sore boob by sore boob…..

Beta #1

My beta results were pretty good at 194. Hooray! At least I know it wasn’t a chemical pregnancy. So now I can admit that I am pregnant, even though it sounds ridiculously absurd. It sounds as absurd as me saying “I am an acrobat” or “I speak Swahili”. Other people get pregnant, not me. I just get BFN after BFN and buy presents for other people’s babies. Who knew that my body was even capable of this. I still don’t believe it. When I got the call today, it was honestly like any other results call (except a BFN call of course). The nurse congratulated me, told me my number and told me to come back Thursday for Beta #2. I asked her if my pregnancy is at any higher risk because of the intial low cell number of the embryo and she said no. She said it should have caught up by now. Phew! I was worried he would always be a little behind the 8 ball but I guess not. I hung up and went back to work. Weird, huh? I would have pictured myself being hysterical at this point. I did cry this morning, but since then I’ve been very calm. I just feel like I am not out of the woods yet. It is so early and so much can happen. All I know is disapointment and heartbreak so it is really difficult to absorb these results and the reality of it all. I want to ask God, why now? Why have you been withholding this from me for so long and now suddenly allow me to have it? It’s too good to be true. Is there a catch? It’s just a lot to take in.
OK, so I did leave work a little early. I just wasn’t focusing and needed to make a few calls. Only a few close friends know since they knew about the IVF, but we are really going to try not to tell our families for at least 8 weeks. (IF it sticks of course)
I canceled my WTF appt with the RE on Thursday. I was so sure that this wasn’t going to work that I made sure to book an appt right after the results. Canceling that appt was a good feeling. I really hope I dont have to reschedule it.
How do I feel right now? I have lots of twinges and some random cramping in my belly and engorged boobs. Other than that I feel pretty normal. If I wasn’t TTC I would be expecting AF any minute now. So for all of you ladies on your 2ww-dont bother analyzing your symptoms! It will only drive you nuts. I know, I’ve done it a million times.

Still Waiting….and Just a Little Bit Pregnant

There IS such thing as being just a little bit pregnant. Some stupid fertile must have said there wasn’t such thing–thinking he/she was really clever. A positive (or four) pregnancy tests = pregnant. Nope, sorry pal. You’re wrong. There IS such thing as being “kinda” pregnant , and it’s no fun. OK, so it’s a little fun. But mostly torture. All I can do is take it day by day, and today was a good day:

  • POAS=still two lines
  • My dog is walking around feeling great and begging for food as usual.
  • I stepped on the scale this morning and lost 2 lbs.
  • My cleaning lady came this afternoon and folded two baskets of laundry

Tomorrow is another day so we’ll have to deal with it as it comes. I think I may leave work early since I wont be able to deal with anything but my cell phone after getting the results–good or bad.

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful comments, support and prayers. They really mean a lot!

MORE Disbelief……TWO lines???

I woke up this morning feeling very down in the dumps. My eyes opened at 6:30am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind was racing with anxiety and fear of the upcoming months and the potentials of failed cycles. My boobs didn’t feel as sore so I was convinced the whole thing was big fat failure.

I decided to POAS. I immediately noticed some faint spotting and thought, “fucking awesome, Im getting my period.” I reached down to put the stick in the line of pee and literally, only about 5 drops came out. WTF?!? Now I’ve wasted a test. But then, I saw it. Two lines. I’ve never seen them before. I just laughed and didnt really believe it. After a few glasses of water I tested again. They’re still there.

I’m happy but I am too scared to be excited. IF has robbed me of what should be a joyful experience. I should be crying, dancing and cheering but instead, Im just going about my day. What is wrong with me? If I am pregnant, when will I ever allow myself to feel excited? Probably not until they put the baby in my arms.  I am so scared that this will be a chemical pregnancy. I find out Tuesday.

I feel like someone needs to shake me right now and say, ” You are pregnant god dammit, the test was positive! Cant you stop being such a downer and just be happy?!?” Well, if I had perfect embryos I might be able to enjoy this more. But mine was a slow developer and the odds werent high.

Say a prayer for my little fighter!!!

Can this month get any worse?

Yesterday was the day from hell. I was rear ended on my way to work. Gotta love pedestrians who don’t pay attention to moving cars! Some girl walked right in front of my car as I was making a U turn so I slammed on my brakes and the car behind me smashed into me. Awesome.

Then at about 9pm, just as I am all cozy in my pajamas, reading some interesting blogs from the ICLW list, I hear  commotion outside. I peek out and see two cars pulled over in front of my house. They say, “Is this your Husky??” Uh Oh. I immediately told myself that he probably just wandered into a neighbor’s yard and got lost. But no. They tell me they think he has been hit by a car. I run over to see my sweet puppy laying on the ground shaking like a leaf. He can’t get up but I don’t see any blood or trauma so I don’t think he got hit. They help me carry him inside and I frantically call my husband who is not picking up his phone. (He was playing cards with the boys and turned his ringer off…figures). Then the cops come since someone called 911 and yelled at me for letting my dog out without a leash. Thanks, insensitive prick.   I sat there for a while with my dog,  just holding him while he shook from fear and anxiety that he could not use his back legs. This had happened once before but only lasted a few minutes.

Finally, husband comes home and we take him to the 24 hour emergency veterinary hospital where they wheeled him in on a doggie stretcher. After seeing this, I lost it. We both did. We thought this was the end for our boy Timber.  We were devastated. When the Vet came out see us she didn’t have any real answers, but if we wanted to leave him for the night for testing it was cost anywhere between  $1,500-$2,000. Um, lady he is 13 years old. Unless you can prolong his life another 10 years I don’t think we should make that kind of investment.

He was able to wobble out with the help of a body sling and we took him home thinking he would see his own Vet this morning. When I got up, he was walking better but  was definitely not himself. 

As all of this was happening, I was wondering how I would possibly survive losing my dog and failing an IVF within the same week. I just don’t think we could handle it. Is this where my life is taking me? Down a road of despair and sadness? I feel like things could easily spiral out of control if I dont hang on tight. What happened to my happy life? Lately, I look at pictures of myself smiling, looking carefree and truly joyful, and longing for that person to come back. Maybe next week, she will. Please, please……..

Quote of the Day from a Stupid Fertile

Said by a good-intentioned friend today after I tried to explain to her the process of IVF and all of the variables that need to work for a healthy embryo to implant:

“I just don’t understand how you CAN’T get pregnant. I mean, I am so fucking fertile that I got pregnant accidently three times–oh yeah, I never did tell you about that abortion I had back in 1999. I mean, I just cannot comprehend how this isn’t working for you.”

Coming Out of the Fog

I finally feel a little bit more like myself today. For the 2nd time in 5 days, I was able to get dressed out of my pajamas, leave the house and do something productive. I ran some errands, did some laundry and cleaned up the house a bit. I feel like I can finally join the world again after literally checking out for a few days. The results of the embryo transfer were shocking, devastating and traumatizing. It felt as if the most important dream and purpose in my life was being ripped away. I was hopeless and sure that my abilities to produce my own biological child were nonexistent.

Trying to wrap my head around a life without children is just far too painful of a reality. I’m just not that interesting or glamorous to pull it off. My spare room is not used for some really cool hobby like painting, photography, fashion design or even fitness; it is totally bare and only has a bed and a shelf full of my old childhood books. My “nightlife” days have also dwindled down significantly and now consists of dinner out with friends or a Red Sox game. We indulge in some nice vacations a few times a year, but generally my schedule is pretty much clear. Another year, or two or three without a child is unfathomable. How would I be able to find any meaning in my life? I even went online to browse donor egg profiles, sure that it would eventually be a necessary step (either that or adoption).

My R.E. Office has not quite redeemed itself, but my R.E. did finally call me today to ease my worries. I totally felt like a boob though after crying on the phone with the nurse, which actually prompted the immediate call from the R.E. So there must have been some dialogue between those calls that went something like: “Um, Dr. X, you better call this patient, she is an absolute basket case.”  Anyway, R.E. feels confident that based on my age, fertilization rates and response to stim drugs, they will be able to adjust to a protocol that will produce some better eggs & embies. I guess the problem was the slow growth of the embryos(duh), and she said that this may even be a good thing because we know what the “unexplained” problem is and focus on fixing it. She sounded very confident that she could whip up another protocol concoction to improve the results next time so I’m choosing to believe her.  What else can I do? I asked her about the issue of not putting 2 embryos in given their size and she basically gave me the answer I suspected, that based on my age they didnt want to take the risk of both of them taking. Uh, yeah whatever. You are the brilliant fucking doctor, you supposedly know everything so I guess I’ll take your word for it. (Little does she know that next time if she tries to pull the “one and done”  thing again on iffy results….. Im going against her wishes!)

Im still praying so hard for this the little embie. If it grows into a baby- we can always tell him/her what a fighter they were and that they will always be our little miracle.