Happy 13th Birthday to my big lovey puppy! For such a big dog we are very lucky that he has stayed with us so long. He still looks great though for an old man–this picture was taken just this past winter! He has been having some health issues lately though and it is very sad seeing him age. We love him so much and just hope he’ll have the opportunity to meet our “someday baby” so he can give him/her a big lick on the face!
So I was on the phone about three times this morning with my nurse trying to figure out the next steps. Since I hadnt heard anything since my polyp-check-procedure I wanted to call to make sure we were all set to start the IVF process..next week. I had remembered something about an “IVF Consult” where you and papa sperm sit with the doctor to go over all the risks and sign a bunch of forms, but didnt think would be that hard to set up. It turns out my doctor does not have a free appt until November 23rd! When I heard this my heart sank. I have had it in the back of my mind that I would be pregnant by Christmas. It was wishful thinking I guess, but it’s been a feeling Ive had all year. The thought of entering the new year still without a baby in my belly will be devasting. If I dont see the doctor until November 23rd, I wouldnt have the IVF procedure until January since you have to be on the pill for 20 days or so before starting hormone injections. Fucking Awesome. Spending Christmas, not pregnant, all jacked up hormones was not exactly what I had in mind. I guess this is just another one of the million disapointments you encounter with this process. You tell yourself to think positive, hope for the best and follow your “good feeling” instincts. I even believe my friends’ instincts. It makes me feel good for a while, but then it all comes crashing down and you realize what a dummy you have been even thinking that things would work out how you wanted them to.
The good thing is, I can do an IUI while Im waiting for my consult. I might as well, right?? I dont want to waste another fucking month. So I guess there is a chance I could have good news by the end of the year. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and one day we’ll look back and laugh about how we had a scheduled plan for IVF but didnt end up doing it because I got pregnant waiting to see my doctor. That would be nice.
So as frustrated as I am that I cant go full force and have my baby whipped up in time for the holidays, there is a part of me that is a little relieved. I dont have a choice but to put the IVF thing off a little longer, and in the meantime I can maybe have a successful IUI. Only time will tell……
I survived the whirlwind weekend away at the baby shower and visits with two friends ready to give birth at any moment and two other friends with new babies. Thank the Lord that I was at THE perfect point in my cycle (just post ovulation) and was fertility hormone free–because I made it through without any tears! Actually, the hard part was not being around the pregos or the babies. Since I don’t see my oldest and best friends very often, seeing their babies and pregnant bellies was adorable and joyous. It was like I was completely removed from my own IF debbie downer-dom. Kind of like when I was single in my 20’s, picturing myself as a bride was hilarious and was so far from my reality at that point. This weekend I was Auntie Julie who was nervous carrying the new baby upstairs and didn’t know you had to stop feeding the baby mid-bottle to give her a burp. Diaper change? No thanks! Cranky? Go back to Mommy! The baby mania was as happy and cute as can be but weirdly my maternal instincts were kept at bay. I was enjoying my wine and being able to enjoy my meal without interruptions. (Hmm, maybe Im really not cut out for this mom stuff after all?)
The hardest part was talking about my IF Status, having to rehash the past year and worst, the past few months. Just saying it made me sad for myself–3 failed IUI’s. Probably moving on to IN VITRO. It sounds so awful. Summarizing it made it feel so powerful and real, and describing the details to people who know me so well and care about me so much was heartbreaking for me and them. There were questions about the process and procedures. “Yes, nightly injections, catheters, polyp surgery…. BFN BFN BFN……. IVF is where they retrieve your eggs and then fertilize them in a petri dish….. No, the risk for multiples is lower in IVF than IUI…… I dont know what the problem is, it’s “unexplained”….
As difficult as it was, it was also very comforting to feel their support and love. Without a doubt they all supported IVF for the next step. It felt good to have this reassurance because for some reason I feel guilty going through this procedure. I was reminded that just because it isn’t how it is “supposed to be” doesn’t mean it isn’t right or wont give me the same beautiful child I might have had naturally. One new mom friend I was with was recently divorced and had just moved in with her boyfriend when she got pregnant. Not how things are “supposed to be” but they could not be happier. It made me feel better about taking drastic measures and going the non-traditional route. Seeing old friends is so very good for the soul..and i needed a good soul boost.
Tomorrow I leave to go away for the weekend to attend one of my best friends’ baby shower. This is the same friend I mention in a recent post, who hasn’t been the greatest support in my IF struggle. She got pregnant while planning her wedding this year and was really upset about it. She cried for the inconvenient timing and I cried too, but for myself. She rescheduled the wedding in June and was able to plan it just before she started to show. I haven’t seen her since the wedding, partly because I’ve been avoiding her. She is deeply entrenched in her pregnant world and cannot seem to realize or understand my current state of devastation and heartache. In fact, I know she’s disappointed that I dont call her enough–but doesnt get that I am in a state of depression and may not want to hear her gush and gush and gush about how amazing her pregnancy is, all the different food she is craving, how great it is feeling her baby move and how sad she will be when she delivers because she wont get to feel the baby inside her anymore. I know I sound uncaring to HER joyous experience, but oh well. I guess we’re just not going to see eye to eye right now. I do love my friend and I know she loves me dearly. She just doesnt get it. And I accept that not everyone will get it, or will always know what to say. Maybe someday when Im pregnant I will feel guilty for not making a bigger deal out of her pregnancy. Maybe not. I AM going to her baby shower and bought her a beautiful gift. I will sit through the shower and ooh and aah. I’ll do this because I do care for her and for her happiness. I’ll help her open the little clothes, socks, bottles, blankets, bjorns, lotions and bouncy seats. I’ll help her carry the gifts to her house and will compliment her nursery colors. I’ll suck it up. Because this is my life and I have to keep living it. As much as it sucks.
So I have just read through many other infertility blogs for the start of ICLW week and feel humbled to be a part of this new world. I am in awe of your strength, faith and the support that you have for each other. Thank you for welcoming me, sharing your journeys and your most private thoughts and emotions. Reading your experiences and comments reminds me that I am not alone in this battle and that finally, there are people who understand.
My current status: Planning on going for IVF#1 next month if this natural cycle is unsuccessful. 3 previous failed medicated IUI’s. I have so many mixed emotions about IVF at this point that it leaves me speechless. I just keep thinking of the end goal and that doing whatever will increase the chances is the right decision. Im just so sick of walking around with this dark cloud over me and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want this to go on any longer than it has to. I already fear that a piece of me is broken–although I hope that it will be healed someday when I finally have a family. I try not to think about what will happen if this doesn’t work, because that reality is beyond comprehension.
Im just trying to enjoy my life in the meantime and hoping my journey will soon lead me to my dream of being a mom. And all the while, following along with my fellow bloggers..
Today was my hysteroscopy to see if any polyps had come back. For what seemed like a serious procedure took literally about 10 minutes from knickers off to knickers back on. (Speaking of pants off, can we please have a more dignified place to put our pants and underwear, like maybe a drawer or little closet? Just leaving them in a heap on a chair or the floor is so cheap and embarrassing–like a hook up in a dorm room. ) So anyway, the camera was inserted into my cervix and I uncomfortably got to see the inside of my uterus. Icck–it’s not pretty but it wasn’t so terrible either. It was smooth, cozy and simple–and if I were an embryo I wouldnt mind camping out there. No polyps. I guess that’s good news, although I was secretly hoping that they would discover something–that way they could fix it. Like maybe they would see some underwear fuzz in there or a hairball that they could just easily remove and everything would be fine. No more “unexplained” mystery. That way I would know that my eggs weren’t all rotten or poisonous.
I must say that I have been enjoying this month off. Im pretending like I am a normal person not under an infertility cloud. It’s like being on vacation from an extremely intense and stressful job. My blackberry and lap top are off, my toes are in the sand and Im dozing off listening to the waves crash. No worries! Only after today’s procedure I can feel the vacation ending. It’s time to pack up, change out of my bathing suit and back into my winter clothes. Time to face the music and start planning for the next cycle. While we will try naturally this month, I will just assume that it wont work. This means IVF is in our near future and it is both exciting and terrifying.
I received one of the most thoughtful gifts ever this week. It was my supervisee’s last day, and as she was leaving she handed me a card and little box. Inside was ONE little crocheted baby booty. I was confused at first, thinking it was a holder of some kind, with maybe a doggie treat inside since we typically would get each other funny gifts for each other’s dogs. This must show how clueless I am and how removed I have become from the reality of having a real baby–because the booty was actually intended for my future baby. She said she made me two, but that she would hold on to the other one until I had some good news for her. It was also assurance for her that I would keep in touch, because she really wanted to know when it finally happened. She was actually the only one at work that knew, and had been really supportive through the ups and downs. In her card she wrote that was both blessed and humbled to have had me for a boss, thanked me for all of my support and that she couldn’t wait to hear that I was finally pregnant.
I was taken aback by this gift. First, because as a boss I sometimes wondered if she secretly hated me, and this obviously proved otherwise. It also showed such genuine thoughtfulness, support and caring. It was a beautiful gift of hope.
It’s funny how some people can surprise you when you are going through difficult times. Im so lucky to have friends who are beyond amazing in they way they have supported me through this. But there is one who should have been better. I can understand that she has been preoccupied with her first pregnancy, and would never want to make things “all about me”, but I have been astounded at her lack of sensitivity. It’s to the point that I have been avoiding her phone calls, and we used to talk 2-3 times a week. Im also realizing that I cannot completely trust her with such private and personal information, after finding out she blabbed to multiple people that I was going through fertility treatments. It’s really disappointing, but I guess Im not really all that shocked. She has always been this way, only I had never dealt with anything so private and painful for her to exploit the way she has done with others.
Im going to her baby shower this weekend and am bracing myself. I will be the enthusiastic and dutiful friend, and will pretend that everything is great. I am truly happy for her and will enjoy being there to share in the joy and excitement. But deep down I’ll know that, along with other things in my life lately, things will be a little different. And that isnt necessarily a bad thing….