Monthly Archives: May 2012

IVF #2 (For Baby #2)

I had high hopes for this cycle. We tried a different protocol. We successfully retrieved 16 eggs and 11 of them fertilized. Transfer day was Mother’s Day… happy thoughts and high hopes all around!

Those ended as soon as the doctor walked in as I sat bottomless in the cold, dim transfer room. I was able to peer down on his paper before he started his schpele and saw the 2 embryos listed: 4BF and 4BF. WTF??!!!

Nothing left to freeze.

What happened?? Am I really here again? Yes, I did get pregnant before from a 4 cell embryo but I feel like we hit the lottery on that cycle. Im not sure what the chances are that we will hit the lottery twice.

My husband doesn’t understand my sadness. He thinks I should be looking at the positive side of things. Yes, we did transfer 2 embryos and I could end up  pregnant. Yes, we do have a beautiful baby girl who amazes us every day and has captured out hearts.

But, it STILL HURTS. I still feel like a failure and like my life has been derailed. Im not ready to give away the baby clothes and crib. I have saved my bjorn and breast pump and intend to use them again. I have a “Big Sister” Tshirt for Lily  to wear for when we make the big announcement. My family is not yet complete.

God whispered to me when I was very young and he told me that I was going to have children...(plural).  He told me this. I have always known it in my heart and have looked forward to it my entire life. So when do I stop trying?

 

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