Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post! The last 3 months have been the most joyous yet nerve-racking of my life. Thankfully, my pregnancy has been progressing wonderfully and I am just about 26 weeks! Although I haven’t had any problems since my threatened miscarriage in February, I have still not been exactly relaxed or carefree. I did order an at home heart beat monitor which I used 1-2 times a week just for piece of mind. I would panic at each ultrasound, so fearful that they would not be able to hear a heartbeat. I was too afraid to do much planning and couldn’t believe it when my sister-in-law wanted to start planning a shower last month. My SIL is a one of those girls who can get knocked up just looking a her husband, so in my crazy infertile brain, I felt like she was being a little presumptuous and was going to jinx it. I just went along with all of the excitement of family and friends, when inside I was still in such disbelief and so afraid that this miracle inside me was going to be to taken away.
Lately though, ever since we found out that we are having a baby girl, and ever since I have started to feel her move around, I have truly been enjoying the reality and am treasuring each moment. OK, so I already have started baby clothes shopping. I just finally decided to go for it since this may be my only pregnancy and I might as well enjoy it. My little (Lily, Annabelle, Madeline??) punches and kicks me every day and I love every second of it. But the worry is still there.
Just this week while vacationing in Florida, I was sure that something was wrong because I wasnt feeling her move that much. I had been sitting by the pool in 90++ degree weather and was convinced that she was overheated. Stupid me didn’t realize how dangerous it is for a pregnant lady to be overheated or dehydrated since the baby is always around 1 degree hotter than mom and has no way of cooling off. I immediately moved into the A/C and contemplated going to the ER. I was in tears, feeling so irresponsible and selfish. Thankfully, I knew she was fine after I drank some OJ and laid down for a while. All she needed was a little sugar boost.
While the panic of losing the pregnancy has subsided, there is still so much more to panic about. It hit me really hard last night that I am responsible for this little baby’s life. I was trying to lean over a table to plug in a lamp and couldn’t because my belly was in the way. I was being careful of my stomach by not leaning too much but finally had to give up and call hubby for help. I sat there, feeling so helpless and terrified that I had just crushed my baby’s head on the table’s edge. I sat there in tears, holding my belly as the immense responsibility of motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks. Can I do this? Am I going to be able to care for this baby? I can’t even plug a damn lamp in without feeling like I’m hurting her, how the hell am I going to care for this little one when she is here? Holy. Shit. The worry continues.
I’m honestly not sure where this blog will go from here, because I obviously have lost my blogger mojo and feel a little strange sometimes writing about the joys and fears of pregnancy on my infertility blog. I do know that I am still so interested in all of your stories and journeys and will continue to follow along with you. I will also post updates here and there, because writing and sharing always helps to put things into perspective.