Category Archives: Random Thoughts

Heartbeat…check!

OB Ultrasound was on Friday and everything looked “perfect”! And there is only ONE! I was officially discharged from the RE Office and set free to the real world/fertile land at the OB Office. I called to make an appointment today and the receptionist told me that they might not do an ultrasound at the 2nd appt. since I just had one at 7 weeks. Umm, excuse me???? Does she realize who she is talking to? She obviously has no idea what is on my reproductive resume, or that I am “accustomed” to regular ultrasounds.. or that I am consumed with fear that I will lose this pregnancy. This may be a deal breaker, seriously. If they do not want to do one at 10 weeks I just might have to go to another OB.

As I write I am feeling a wave of nausea, which gives me such peace of mind. I had been feeling SO incredibly sick over the past couple weeks and then woke up the other day feeling perfectly fine. Loss of symptoms = loss of pregnancy, so of course I’ve been panicking.

I think I may be more nervous with this pregnancy than with my first. It just feels too good to be true. Once you consider yourself “infertile”, it is hard to imagine that you would be so lucky to have 2 successful pregnancies and 2 healthy babies.

It doesnt help that I have been reading about Bethany Frankel’s recent miscarriage at 8 weeks, AFTER they had a normal ultrasound. ?!?

I know, I really just need to relax!

Another Shocker!

It looks like 4 is my lucky number because Ive got myself a BFP! I’m totally floored and in disbelief. What are the chances that I would get pregnant TWICE from 4 cell (3 day) embryos and have NO luck with 8 cells?! I cant believe it. The beta numbers are also ridiculously high so I’m wondering if there could be two in there…?! Today was 23 days post transfer and it is at 12, 249!! WTF!? I looked at some charts online and that number is basically off the charts. I have no idea what that means but I’m nervous as hell. I asked the R.E Nurse if this was unusually high but as usual she was useless.

My mind is mush right now. After getting back from vacation on Sunday, my car broke down and I had a job interview the next morning. So don’t ask me to concentrate on anything because my head is spinning like crazy.

Ive never wanted anything so much in my life. ONE baby was a dream come true. TWO would be a miracle. I feel like the luckiest girl alive.

 

IVF #2 (For Baby #2)

I had high hopes for this cycle. We tried a different protocol. We successfully retrieved 16 eggs and 11 of them fertilized. Transfer day was Mother’s Day… happy thoughts and high hopes all around!

Those ended as soon as the doctor walked in as I sat bottomless in the cold, dim transfer room. I was able to peer down on his paper before he started his schpele and saw the 2 embryos listed: 4BF and 4BF. WTF??!!!

Nothing left to freeze.

What happened?? Am I really here again? Yes, I did get pregnant before from a 4 cell embryo but I feel like we hit the lottery on that cycle. Im not sure what the chances are that we will hit the lottery twice.

My husband doesn’t understand my sadness. He thinks I should be looking at the positive side of things. Yes, we did transfer 2 embryos and I could end up  pregnant. Yes, we do have a beautiful baby girl who amazes us every day and has captured out hearts.

But, it STILL HURTS. I still feel like a failure and like my life has been derailed. Im not ready to give away the baby clothes and crib. I have saved my bjorn and breast pump and intend to use them again. I have a “Big Sister” Tshirt for Lily  to wear for when we make the big announcement. My family is not yet complete.

God whispered to me when I was very young and he told me that I was going to have children...(plural).  He told me this. I have always known it in my heart and have looked forward to it my entire life. So when do I stop trying?

 

Sunshine

I found myself breaking down in tears this morning at 3am as I rocked Lily back to sleep as we listed to a pretty version of “You are My Sunshine” on one of her many CD’s. These lyrics have always made me emotional, for those I love who are here, were here…. and are not here yet. 

The other night dear as I laid sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear I was mistaken and I hung my head and cry
You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies’re grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you please don’t take my sunshine away

5 weeks: It’s OVER

I started writing a post on Saturday about how everything was going fine and how excited I was to be putting this infertility bullshit behind me. I also wrote about still having fear that something was going to go wrong, and also some weird feelings of sadness of knowing this would definitely me my last and final pregnancy. I never finished the post.

On Sunday morning I woke up to see blood clots in the toilet. I rushed in for a beta test and had to wait around all day to get the results that the beta #s were not as high as they should be and that I should come back on Tuesday for another blood test. Really?! So you want me to go along with my normal routine thinking I am still pregnant?! I basically asked the nurse to please just rip off the fucking band-aid and tell me that this is fucking over and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. She told me to prepare for the worst. So. Fucking. Awesome.

So my Christmas IVF was a total bust. The only 3 “good” embryos were actually no good after all. I am in disbelief.

And now we start over. It’s beginning to feel like a way of life now. But the hardest part is not the process of IVF. It’s not the needles, medications and endless doctor’s visits. That part is easy in comparison. The truly heart-wrenching , exhausting, miserable and terrifying part of this is the unknown. You have no idea if any of it is going to work. There are no guarantees. And in the meantime, your friends get pregnant with their 2nd and 3rd babies. You might put your career on hold, because who wants to start a new job with more responsibilities when you are an emotional and physical wreck?  You save the baby clothes and maternity clothes and you wait. You wait and you hope.

I look ahead at 2012 and wonder what it has in store. IVF#3, IVF #4, IVF#5? Will I turn into a joyful mother of two, or a heartbroken mother who didn’t have the chance to have a second child because her body failed her?

In the end, we have Lily who is perfect. I am already joyful. She brings us more joy than we ever could have imagined and I would always consider myself blessed to have her as my only baby.

I would be OK with one. I would just like the power to decide.

Two Lines!! (Unromanticized)

I heard a story on the radio last month on Valentines Day, about a woman who wrapped up a positive pregnancy test and gave it to her husband as a gift. I thought that was really sweet, but knew I could never do it. A positive pregnancy test to me is just that, a positive (at home) result.  There are so many things that could go wrong at this point and the fear of not being able to get pregnant (again) is too great. 

This morning, I got a positive result and wish so badly that I could celebrate. I thought about taking a picture of the test and texting it to my husband, but didn’t want to get his hopes up. 

OK, Im excited. We’ll see what the blood test says!

 

Project Baby #2

…in IVF land is a complicated thing.

On one hand, this should be a cake walk. I’ve gone through the motions. I know the drill. I know that I CAN get pregnant. And the stakes shouldn’t  be as high since I already have a healthy, happy beautiful baby. Right? So basically, if it does not work out we can shrug our shoulders and say, “oh well”,  and then go out for ice cream.

As much I as I would like to say that and mean it, I can’t. It still hurts. My heart is full of love for my daughter and I don’t take for granted for a second the fact that I have been given such a precious gift. She is a miracle. But I guess I must be a selfish person because I think I deserve another one. If most people can decide to reproduce on a wimb, or in the midst of passion, or to try for a specific sex,,,, why should I feel guilty for desiring one more? If the fucking Duggers can have 20 kids why can’t I have TWO? Why do I have to feel guilty for that, just because I am in IVF land?

Before I had Lily I felt a huge void in my life and in my heart that only a child could fill. It’s not as big, but it’s still there. Before I got pregnant with Lily I was on the ledge, and she saved me. She saved me from drowning in such deep sorrow and from losing my sense of purpose. So now, I am whole. I am basking in  this sweet, perfect love but my biological/maternal instincts are making me crave more. More for me, but also for my whole family.

If I had read this post pre-pregnancy I would have hated me. I would have been sickened by my selfishness and ungratefulness. I would have thought that I was fucking nuts and would wonder why I couldn’t just be satisfied with one baby, given that so many never even get to experience that.  I can hear it in some friends’ voices as I tell them what I’ve been going through each week with the needles, medications, doctor’s visits, etc. They’ll never say it, but I know they think Im nuts and maybe a bit obsessed.

But Im not obsessed. Im 36 and I am infertile. The only way I can potentially get pregnant is through medical intervention. It requires months and months of preparation, planning, waiting, probing, medicating, more medicating, more waiting, testing, failing and then doing it all over again. So for all of you well meaning fertile friends,  do NOT tell me to fucking relax. Do NOT tell me not to rush it. And do NOT tell me that maybe I should just be happy with one. Because YOU are in control of your reproductive systems and can choose to fulfill or not to fulfill all of your maternal desires . I am not so lucky.