Monthly Archives: November 2009

IUI#4 is a BUST–IVF here I come

Well as suspected the results were negative. For some reason I am much better this time than last time.

My friend had her baby today and called me right after the delivery. It’s funny how I find out that I am going IVF on the day she has her baby. I guess that is just how life works sometimes. I do know that my life is just as blessed as hers so I am not going down the road of resentment or jealousy.

I told myself this morning that I wasnt going to cry and that I was just going to keep thinking everything will be ok. This is not the path that I would have ever imagined myself to be on but here I am at the crossroads, and I am choosing it for myself. I am choosing to be proactive and to do whatever it takes to be pregnant. While Im sure there will be plenty of anxiety and tears here and there, Im really going to try to not feel sorry for myself. This is not a death sentence, it is a bump in the road. I am (kind of) young and healthy and have a loving, supportive partner and friends who will walk with me every step of the way. I am not going to think of “have nots”, but only “haves”.

The medication has just been ordered. Holy fucking shit I am doing IVF.

Feeling Childless

This Christmas is going to be hard. Last Christmas wasn’t that bad because I was still in the earlier stages of trying. That was when I still thought we’d get pregnant the natural way.  I had joked about being that depressing childless person who looks longingly at the baby food in the grocery store and desperately travels to Siberia to adopt a 6-year-old. Haha, I thought. Good thing that will never be me.

And here I am, a year later. Friends have since gotten pregnant and have had their babies. We have celebrated another wedding anniversary, have turned another year older and are getting scary close to our mid-thirties. Not so funny anymore. We excitedly told some family and friends last year when we started trying;  now when we see them it’s feels like our childlessness is the big fucking elephant in the room.

Im trying to get into the Christmas spirit but feel like I am constantly surrounded by the joy of other families and everybody else’s kids.

I spent an hour in ToysRuS on the day after Thanksgiving shopping for my nieces and nephew. There were so may families in there sharing in their kid’s excitement together. I felt like throwing Legos at them all.

I know that soon we will begin receiving the Christmas cards. Endless pictures of babies and toddlers in their Christmas best sitting with Santa or the family dog.  Im not going to bother sending out cards this year. Signing generic cards with only my and my husband’s signature would just feel like such a reminder that we are still only a couple and not yet a family.

I thought that by this Christmas I would be waiting in line for a picture of my baby on Santa’s lap. I thought I’d be adding a new stocking on the mantle. I thought I would be putting a new ornament on the tree that says “Baby’s First Christmas”.

Im just feeling a little down right now. I just know that my beta on IUI#4 will be negative tomorrow. My digital HPT gave me a “NOT PREGNANT” almost instantly this morning, even before the 3 minute waiting time. I really thought I’d be pregnant by now. The holidays are only a reminder that Im not.

Emotional Songs. Emotional Day.

Im so happy to be home. I was up at 5am to be at my aunt’s by 6:30 so we could be at the funeral home in CT by 9:00. I knew the day was going to be physically exhausting but I had no idea how emotionally exhausting it would be. (Warning: this post will probably ramble about non-If related topics including references to songs from the Catholic  church, so it may not be interesting to some but I need to write this for myself)

Funerals are sad as is losing family members-no matter how old they were. Even if I wasn’t that close to the person who died I always feel sad for those left behind–children, spouses, siblings, friends, etc.  Aunt Phee had hardly been coherent this past year after a stroke, so her death was not a surprise. In fact it was more of a relief because she had suffered too much. Then why was I the only one there crying????

Seriously, I think I may have been on candid camera today in a prank to see how much they could make me cry. Im sure I am just majorly weepy from this progesterone and/or pms, but either way it was a tear jerking day. It all started in church as they played “Here I Am Lord“.  I started to well up because I think the song is beautiful and it also stirs up so many memories for me. Selfishly, I was not crying for my Aunt. I was crying for me. I felt like I just wanted to kneel there and sob for everything that I’ve been through this year. I felt like I wanted to let out all of the anger and hurt that Ive been bottling up for so long. But I couldnt. We were in a small church for Aunt Phee’s funeral and nobody else was crying.

Then my fear came true. The organ started to play “On Eagles Wings” as I had suspected it would. It is hard to describe the feelings that this song evokes. Basically the first time I heard it was at my little brother’s funeral 16 years ago. I cant hear it and not think of my father sitting next to me and sobbing. My father, who I love and adore more than life. He is as dashing as he is cool, and charming as he is strong. He is always been my hero. Seeing him in such pain forever changed me and was one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life (right up there with IF). We dont talk about my brother ever because I think we both dont want to make each other sad by bringing him up. Strangely, my father was sitting 2 rows behind me. As soon as the choir sang, ” And he will raise him up on eagles wings“,  I lost it. I dont think many people noticed thankfully since they were in line for Communion. I sat there, trembling and wanting so badly to look back at my Dad. I just couldnt. I knew he must have been upset too but I couldnt bear to see it. I started to turn my head and just froze. I knew if I saw his sad eyes it would make me inconsolable. And if he saw mine, it would only break his heart more. So I didnt look back. Later, his girlfriend told me that he too broke down during the song. I wish I could have been there next to him holding his hand. But through the years we have gotten so good at  putting smiles on for each other, being strong and remaining composed. I know it’s not necessarily good, but we’ll just have to continue to cry privately for now.

The Recessional song was “Be Not Afraid”. Another tough one and with another beautiful message.

Aunt Phee’s burial plot was shared with both of my grandparents. I had not been expecting to see their graves today too so it only caused more chin trembling and more tears to stream down my face. Thank god I didn’t wear mascara today.

After we left the luncheon, I thought I was done. That was until my aunt threw in the Josh Grobin CD and proceeded to play it twice in a row. “You Raise Me Up” just kills me and always makes me think of my Dad, which only made me want to sob my eyes out. But not in the back seat of my aunt and uncles car. Instead I just sat there as tears streamed down feeling a lump in my throat so big I thought I was going to choke.  When “Time to Say Goodbye” came on I really thought I was on a hidden camera show.

And the 2ww Continues

The countdown is on. In 5-6 days I find out whether or not this last IUI worked and if I will join the IVF club. So far I feel normal, just a bit irritable which can be chalked up to pms, progesterone or just that fact that this holiday week is really going to blow. I need to get up at 5am tomorrow to ride 3 hours in the back seat of my aunt and uncle’s car to attend my great aunt’s funeral, and then return in the same day. We are going to hit THE worst traffic coming back since it is the busiest travel day of the year, especially in this area (Boston). WTF?!? Good thing I am only cooking turkey for 3 on Thursday because I might be a little unprepared and unmotivated to make a spectacular dinner.

I do need to go to this funeral ,#1 Because Aunt Phyllis was always very good to me and #2-Because I need to “represent” since I am the only niece who can attend. My sister oh-so-conveniently lives out of the country and my cousin is busy with her very new-newborn and 19 month old. Thankfully my schedule is wide open! I did go visit the new baby over the weekend and he is very cute. Sometimes when I am around newborns I question my ability to have one. They are SO small and floppy. I always feel so awkward picking them up and passing them off, like a teenage boy who has no maternal instinct whatsoever. He was farting away as I held him so passed him off for a diaper change. Not exactly something you might imagine a baby starved person would do.

Surprisingly I am ok after the visit. I really thought that after 4 (almost 5) births of friends’ babies over the past few months I would be put over the edge. I remember thinking that if I wasnt pregnant by November they would have to commit me because I would have a nervous breakdown. I thought that I would definitely be in a deep dark depression and would be curled up in a fetal position under the covers. But Im not hysterical. I am OK. I really believe that when the unimaginable happens we will always find strength to move ahead. Where this strength comes from Im not really sure. I do feel like a combination of forces is carrying me through this. I know that God is giving me amazing strength. I also believe that the spirit and love of those who are walking down this road with me are also giving me the courage to face each new day and each new cycle. While IF is isolating at times, I never feel alone. And while the future is unknown, I never feel scared. And in my heart, it feels as if as someone is always holding my hand each step of the way. And for that, I am so thankful.

Who reads your blog??

I started this blog as a way to vent. Since then I have only revealed it to two friends and my husband. There are times when I am so tempted to tell other friends about it but I always catch myself. It is such a private thing and can really only be shown to a trusted few. I am normally a very open person and would usually tell people anything about my life, but the detailed struggle of IF  is too personal to shout from the mountain tops. I refrain from telling acquaintances and colleagues about my issues not because of embarrassment, but mostly because I dont want to be judged or pitied.

Revealing my IF is one thing, but my  blog is another.  It is like your diary being open to the whole world, which can be so liberating but scary at the same time. I sent mine to one of my best and oldest friends right away since she had a mommy blog of her own and also needed something to read while she was on bed rest. Since then she has read every word and has supported me so immensely. I knew that she would be completely non-judgemental  and would truly be interested in every detail of my treatments. She is my biggest cheerleader and rides each wave of my emotions right along with me. Im so blessed to have her support. (thanks meg! xox)

Since we unfortunatly live in different states and dont get to  talk very often, letting these 2 friends read my blog has allowed them to stay updated on my daily ups and downs. My other old & cherished friend who has read my blog lives on the other side of the country and has always been my true soul lifter, but actually is not online enough to follow along as much. Im tempted to tell a third friend who shares my joy and sorrow each day, but Im scared that this would make it too public. Once 3 people in my life have access, there is a risk of more people reading it and that would not be good.

My mom and sister dont know about it. Right now, I cannot reveal to them the true pain I am going through. It would hurt them too much and they wouldn’t know how to help me.

My husband knows I have a blog and that I “blog” each day but hasnt read it. I think he wants me to preserve my  private, personal outlet because he sees how much it has helped me cope.

Im curious…who have you let read YOUR blog????

IUI#4 Complete.. I almost forgot

IUI#4 was completed yesterday morning and I almost forgot because it was so anti-climactic. Besides the fact that I had to pop a few Tylenol afterwards for some crampiness, I havent even thought about it that much. I even stupidly took Advil beforehand to ease cramping during the procedure. (Duh- you are only supposed to take Tylenol). I waited 45 minutes in the waiting room reading the same old magazines that I have read two times before.  The sample looked good–77 million spermies. Then back to work and back to mundane motherhood-free life as I know it.  Of course I’m already Im convinced that it didnt work. I know that I have vowed not to rush my life away during these treatments but  I do want to fast forward the next two weeks of nasty progesterone suppositories and their shitty side effects.

I just want to know for sure that I will be doing IVF. I need to mentally and emotionally prepare. Im already planning on it. DH was looking at vacation packages for mid-January and I told him we cant plan for that month since I might be doing IVF stuff. Im already wondering if I will be up for a bruins/rangers game with friends on Jan 9th since I’ll be in full fledged medication mode and definitely wont be in the mood to sit SOBER in some cold stadium surrounded by a bunch of drunk dudes in awful hockey jerseys.

Got a call this morning that my cousin had her 2nd baby. She is 3 years younger than me and is the only one in the family who has produced any members of the next generation. My aunt and uncle were giddy with excitement.. which only made me sad for my parents that they cannot experience this same joy. Christmas should be really fun as her 2 babies sit there cooing away, while everyone spies at my empty womb.  I have only one more birth to survive this year thank god–and it’s my “insensitive” friend. She has a C-section scheduled on the same day I get my beta results! Fucking Awesome.

New Look!

Isnt my new header awesome! Im so glad to finally have a personalized look. Alison from Privileged Infertility is a graphic artist and does a fantastic job at creating beautiful images to represent your blog’s message. She also created one for IF Crossroads. If you are interested email her at gigglygirlatheart@gmail.com