Back in the Saddle

Wow, it’s been a while. Oh, how I have missed writing, reading and commiserating with all of you! Unfortunately I just have not had much free time to write this past year. Along with the arrival of Baby Lily, we moved farther away from my job so my commute is between 2 1/2 -3 hours a day. It’s been pretty freaking crazy but I really can’t complain since Lily is here and she is amazing.

So amazing, in fact that we decided to try for another. We tried another IVF cycle in December. I took a leap of faith and went for it, even though I knew that it would make me a crazy person over Christmas. I went in on Christmas morning for the retrieval. 16 eggs! 3 days later they transferred a single 8 cell grade A embryo. 2 weeks later we found out it was a BFN. It was NOT a Christmas miracle.

We did end up with two frosties which we will transfer on 2/21. Im taking estrogen now and it is kicking my fucking ass. Speaking of ass, I also have to take shots of progesterone in my ass starting in a few days. I thought the FET prep was going to be easier! So far, not so much.

It is different this time around. Obviously I don’t have time to analyze every step and think about it 24/7. So, in that sense it is better because Im so busy with Lily that I can’t sit around being a Debbie Downer all day. Thankfully Lily decided to take a nice 2+ hour nap on the day I found out the IVF was a BFN. I laid in bed and cried my eyes out. But when she was up, it was over. I had to be strong for her.

It is different now. Lily is my miracle and my ultimate joy. I still am in disbelief that she is here and that she is mine. Life is so filled with details, so it is easy to get caught up in the constant every day planning ,and to forget to soak in the blessings in our lives. Even after 16 months, and after taking her on multiple vacations, having her Christened and celebrating her 1st Birthday, I still second guess myself when I say, “my daughter..”, because it is still so hard to believe it’s true.

Infertility is still real though and it is still fucking up my life. The process I am going through now makes me physically, mentally and emotionally weak- which affects my abilities to be the best mom to Lily. She deserves a sibling. She deserves someone who will be there for her , always. Someone to share a childhood with, life with and a future with.

In my heart, I really feel like there is another little soul floating out there, waiting to find life in me and with our family. I am positive and hopeful, but still scared.

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One response to “Back in the Saddle

  1. “In my heart, I really feel like there is another little soul floating out there, waiting to find life in me and with our family.” Wow. Powerful words. That is exactly how I feel. In fact, I can relate to many of your sentiments. I’m in the middle of a 2 week wait after an IUI 2/6/12. Like you, I already have a 3 year old sweet wonderful little girl who is my life and my joy, and I would love to give her a sibling. I wish you all the best and I will be following your progress. You are not alone.

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