Wow. I had 2 embryos transferred today. One 8 cell Grade B and one 4 cell grade B. I was so relieved to know that they survived the thaw this morning, and was so nervous that the doctor was going to tell me upon arrival and that the embryos had spontaneously arrested and that I could turn around and go home with an empty uterus.
I am more nervous than excited. I won’t let myself be too excited because unfortunately I feel defeated and jaded after our BFN last month. Even though I was blessed enough to have my first IVF result in a successful pregnancy, I still feel scared and depressed as I go through this process. I’m not thinking about baby names or decorating a nursery. I just feel the dark, heaviness of infertility creeping its way back into my life.
I remember looking at a picture in a magazine many years ago of a stunningly beautiful woman, lying down as her 3 young boys surrounded her. They were crawling on her like little cubs. You could tell how much they loved her, and how deeply happy she was. I wanted that. I wanted to be the Mama Lion surrounded by my babies, feeling their warmth and showering them with my love and protection. I hate that I might not have that. I know how lucky I am to have my one precious, perfect cub. But there is room in our den for one more, and more than enough room in our hearts