Monthly Archives: February 2010

Awards

Happy weekend! I am so honored to be the recipient of 4 blogger awards! Venting Vagina has graciously awarded me with the Lemonade Award and A from Remember All the Way awarded me with 3 others (!)–The Sunshine Award, Your Going Places and The Happy 101 Award. Thank you so much! I actually received the Lemonade award back in January, but unfortunately it fell right around my IVF week which turned out to be heartbreaking and disappointing (little did I know!). Ever since then I feel like I have been in a haze of confusion and disbelief, and was feeling more like a sour lemon than lemonade. But now I think I can finally formally accept this award with confident, positive attitude!


So I am going to cheat a little bit and only pass on 2 of these awards. The Sunshine and the Happy Award. The Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blog world.The Happy Award, similarly, is given to those with “sweet thoughts and kind words.” When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award.

Here are 10 things that make my day:

1.) Warm and inspiring comments from blogger friends

2.) A long conversation with an old cherished friend

3.) Smoothies

4.) Jack Bauer

5.) Going to my favorite little Italian restaurant with my hubby

6.) Good wine and good company

7.) Hugging and kissing my big (old) puppy

8.) Tai food

9.) When my Dad calls me Julie Pie

10.) Imagining the greatest blessing we will soon have , and all of the joy that will bring

I would like to nominate and honor the following, not only for their  inspiring and motivating blogs but also for the supportive and heartfelt comments they have left for me..

1.) Venting Vagina

2.) IF Crossroads

3.) Wait, What?

4.) Making me Mom

5.) Ambivalent Womb

6.) Below Average Athlete

7.) Does this Suit your Copperosity?

8.) Peanut Noodle

9.) Build in Birth Control

10.) Baby on Mind

Have  great weekend. I’m off to get a bikini wax and pedicure in preparation for the vaca. Whoo hoo…

P.S. Have you ever spent time looking for something and the whole time it was right in front of your face? I am embarrassed to admit that I cannot figure out how to add pdf images to my side bar. Blame it on my foggy pregnancy brain. Can anyone with a WordPress blog help me with this? The “Image” Widget does not appear to have an upload feature….

Hangin’ in at 8 1/2 weeks

It’s been a while since my last post. It’s weird because you might think that I would have a lot to say being a newly pregnant person. But other than discussing what food and beverages best cure nausea, I really don’t have anything interesting, entertaining, insightful or creative to write. I’m slowly grasping this new   reality, and need to reassure myself every morning that it is still real. Ridiculously vivid dreams? Check! Sore boobs? Check! Nausea and food aversions? Check! Extreme fatigue? Check! Constipation? Check!

My focus each day is finding something to  wear that I still fit into and something to eat that will settle my stomach. When I get home from work I wrap myself in a blanket and watch all of the quality shows that cable TV has to offer. Bedtime is around 9pm. While I haven’t been up for posting, I have still been thinking about all of you and have been trying to stay updated on all of your latest events. I have been feeling disconnected and guilty for neglecting my blog and have been unsure about where to take it from here. I want my blog to be meaningful, not filled with the mundane details of pregnancy symptoms. I also want to feel connected  and to be supportive of others. I hope that I will still be able to do this, but right now the road ahead is completely unknown . I guess I will just have to wait and see how things go.

So I have officially graduated from the R.E and have my first OB appt this Monday!! Because I had a threatened miscarriage and because I am getting on a plane next Wednesday to head to the Caribbean, I was able to schedule an ultrasound! Woohoo! So psyched about that.   If things look good at 9 weeks, I can finally relax right?

P.S. I have 4 awards to give out!! These are coming soon…..

Still Preggers!!

Holy crap!! I went into the R.E. office this morning with a bad crying hangover thinking it was over. I expected to be told that the embryo was no more and that I needed to stay for a D&C. I even told the ultrasound tech as I took my pants off to expect a lot of tears. But then, we saw AND heard the heartbeat. 119.5 beats per minute!!! This is what they normally see at 8 weeks!! Holy shit. If this ride hasn’t been a fucking emotional roller coaster I don’t know what is.  Everything was measuring as normal and the gestational sac is in the right place. They did see the area on the ultrasound where the bleeding was coming from but couldn’t really explain what was causing it. Honestly, there was a lot more information but I was too in shock to absorb it all. Another good thing is that the bleeding has almost stopped and the blood is dark, as opposed to bright red.  This means it’s old blood (so gross I know).

We met with the R.E. afterwards and he called it a “threatened miscarriage”. He said that I should stay on bed rest until the bleeding stops. So here I am home from work again, seriously considering coming clean to my boss so he doesn’t think I’m either a.) making it up for days off or b.) dying from a terrible disease.

Thank you to everyone who posted such thoughtful and encouraging words yesterday. I really needed them!!

Crashing Down???!!!

This morning I woke up pregnant. Now, I fear it is all crashing down. About an hour after I posted my 6 week update, I felt a little gush, and hoped that it was just discharge or urine. Nope, it was blood. I ran to the bathroom and felt another gush. Bright red blood. I immediately started crying and called my R.E. nurse. She told me she would see if she could get me in today for an ultrasound but if not I should go to the emergency room. She said she ‘d call me right back. Tears. Called my  husband to come home. More sobs. The nurse finally called back after a half hour and told me they could get me in at 8:00am tomorrow (bullshit) and that I should stay calm and try not to worry too much. She said a lot of women experience bleeding in pregnancy and that everything could still be OK. She told me to stay off my feet for the rest of the day and to call back if I experienced a fever, bad cramping or clotting. My husband and I cried together.

So now I have to spend the rest of the day laying on the couch wondering if this pregnancy is over or not. I’m not feeling too positive and I’m scared shitless about what comes next. Ever since I got back my IVF results I have stared down a path of more heartache, despair and failure. I was ready to close the door on that but it looks like it is still wide open.  I just don’t know how I would survive this.

Well, tomorrow I’ll know. At least I don’t have to wait 5 more days for my ultrasound.

6 Weeks and Counting

Wow, it’s been a week since my last post. I’m sorry that I have been so neglectful to my blog and loyal blogger friends. It’s just that I don’t have a lot to say right now. Everyday I wake up still in disbelief that I am pregnant and have experienced so many conflicting emotions.  As soon as I start to feel any joy or excitement, the infertile in me tells me to be worried, scared and cautious. The negative, nagging infertile reminds me of all the things that could still go wrong and that I don’t know if this pregnancy is even viable. We still have not told our families because I’m not quite in the “Hooray, we’re pregnant!” mode yet. Right now, it’s just not real to me. My few friends that know are beyond thrilled for me and have already started giving me baby books.  One even bought me a Bella Band which was so incredibly sweet. While their joy for me is a true blessing in itself, it is also a bit overwhelming because I can not share in the celebration. As soon as I started reading a chapter about “birthing options” in “What to Expect…”, I closed the book and put it right back down.

If  we had better fertilization results from my IVF, I wouldn’t be so scared. If I had a few frozen embabies waiting for me I might feel a little more relaxed. But I dont. This could be my only chance since any future IVF attempts may have the same abysmal results. This pregnancy is EVERYTHING. I have everything to lose and everything to gain. So no, I’m not quite relaxed yet. I still cannot believe that this miracle has occurred.

5 more days until my 7 week ultrasound and it cannot come soon enough! I also made an app with an OB but was very disappointed to find out that they don’t do an ultrasound at the first appointment! WTF!? Going from 3-4 ultrasounds a week during stims to ONE throughout my whole first trimester is a little unnerving! I am seriously considering just begging my doctor to do another one and saying that I will pay out of pocket. (Hopefully I will get some extra sympathy at the OB as an IVF patient!) I dont care if it costs a couple hundy because it is so worth my peace of mind.

So now, I wait and go about my days as usual. I experienced my first bout of nausea yesterday which was uncomfortable but comforting at the same time. I actually had to get out of the shower covered in suds just so I could sit down on the toilet and put my head down. My boobs are still sore thank goodness and I have definitely been feeling fatigued and moody (can you say road rage?!). All good signs I guess. I just want to see it to believe it!!

Beta #3

Warning: This post contains whining from a pregnant person. Be prepared to be annoyed.

My third beta results yesterday were great at 3100! My progesterone level was also high enough that told me I could stop using the suppositories. Hooray! Those suppositories are a real drag. I opted to take them 3 times a day over the injections since I am such a needle wimp…..but they were pretty gross. God forbid I walked around my house in the morning getting ready for work in just a robe (sans undies), because I would end up leaking drops of melted suppository all over the house! So gross I know. My husband even asked me what those white spots were on the kitchen floor…and I told him I didn’t know! Haha. I haven’t been the biggest sex pot in the world lately so I didn’t think I needed to make it worse by telling him I was leaking white junk all over the place out of my hoohaa.

So I haven’t been blogging much lately because I don’t really have much to say. I think I am having a bit of an identity crisis. It is a strange feeling going from the deep dark depths of IF to all of a sudden being pregnant. It is not as easy as I had imagined. First of all, I am still not over the devastation of learning that out of 20 eggs, only one embryo was barely viable. Pregnant or not, that is really fucking bad.Whether or not this pregnancy sticks, that heartbreak will last with me forever. And now I fear that any future IVF attempt will be equally questionable. A week and a half ago I was in a very sad, dark place. Now I cannot simply turn around and be a gleeful pregnant lady. As much I would love to become a blissful prego beaming with pride, I still feel like the same worried, anxious, cautious person I have been for a year and a half.

But obviously, I AM happy. I am the happiest I have ever been about anything in my life. THIS is what I have been waiting for. This means more than anything. This would be a miracle. This IS and WILL be the greatest blessing I could imagine.

But….I cant totally let myself go to that happy place yet because if something were to go wrong, the fall would be even harder.

My “OB ultrasound” is on Feb 15th which will be at the 7 week mark. If all goes well they release me to the OB-GYN. (!!?) By then, I promise, I will allow myself to be more excited.