Monthly Archives: February 2012

Project Baby #2

…in IVF land is a complicated thing.

On one hand, this should be a cake walk. I’ve gone through the motions. I know the drill. I know that I CAN get pregnant. And the stakes shouldn’t  be as high since I already have a healthy, happy beautiful baby. Right? So basically, if it does not work out we can shrug our shoulders and say, “oh well”,  and then go out for ice cream.

As much I as I would like to say that and mean it, I can’t. It still hurts. My heart is full of love for my daughter and I don’t take for granted for a second the fact that I have been given such a precious gift. She is a miracle. But I guess I must be a selfish person because I think I deserve another one. If most people can decide to reproduce on a wimb, or in the midst of passion, or to try for a specific sex,,,, why should I feel guilty for desiring one more? If the fucking Duggers can have 20 kids why can’t I have TWO? Why do I have to feel guilty for that, just because I am in IVF land?

Before I had Lily I felt a huge void in my life and in my heart that only a child could fill. It’s not as big, but it’s still there. Before I got pregnant with Lily I was on the ledge, and she saved me. She saved me from drowning in such deep sorrow and from losing my sense of purpose. So now, I am whole. I am basking in  this sweet, perfect love but my biological/maternal instincts are making me crave more. More for me, but also for my whole family.

If I had read this post pre-pregnancy I would have hated me. I would have been sickened by my selfishness and ungratefulness. I would have thought that I was fucking nuts and would wonder why I couldn’t just be satisfied with one baby, given that so many never even get to experience that.  I can hear it in some friends’ voices as I tell them what I’ve been going through each week with the needles, medications, doctor’s visits, etc. They’ll never say it, but I know they think Im nuts and maybe a bit obsessed.

But Im not obsessed. Im 36 and I am infertile. The only way I can potentially get pregnant is through medical intervention. It requires months and months of preparation, planning, waiting, probing, medicating, more medicating, more waiting, testing, failing and then doing it all over again. So for all of you well meaning fertile friends,  do NOT tell me to fucking relax. Do NOT tell me not to rush it. And do NOT tell me that maybe I should just be happy with one. Because YOU are in control of your reproductive systems and can choose to fulfill or not to fulfill all of your maternal desires . I am not so lucky.


Transfer Day (posted a week later..)

Wow. I had  2 embryos transferred today. One 8 cell Grade B and one 4 cell grade B. I was so relieved to know that they survived the thaw this morning, and was so nervous that the doctor was going to tell me upon arrival and that the embryos had spontaneously arrested and that I could turn around and go home with an empty uterus.

I am  more nervous than excited. I won’t let myself be too excited because unfortunately I feel defeated and jaded after our BFN last month.  Even though I was blessed enough to have my first IVF result in a successful pregnancy,  I still feel scared and depressed as I go through this process. I’m not thinking about baby names or decorating a nursery. I just feel the dark, heaviness of infertility creeping its way back into my life.

I remember looking at a picture in a magazine many years ago of a stunningly beautiful woman, lying down as her 3 young boys surrounded her. They were crawling on her like  little cubs. You could tell how much they loved her, and how deeply happy she was. I wanted that. I wanted to be the Mama Lion surrounded by my babies,  feeling their warmth and showering them with my love and protection. I hate that I might not have that. I know how lucky I am to have my one precious, perfect cub. But there is room in our den for one more, and more than enough room in our hearts

Back in the Saddle

Wow, it’s been a while. Oh, how I have missed writing, reading and commiserating with all of you! Unfortunately I just have not had much free time to write this past year. Along with the arrival of Baby Lily, we moved farther away from my job so my commute is between 2 1/2 -3 hours a day. It’s been pretty freaking crazy but I really can’t complain since Lily is here and she is amazing.

So amazing, in fact that we decided to try for another. We tried another IVF cycle in December. I took a leap of faith and went for it, even though I knew that it would make me a crazy person over Christmas. I went in on Christmas morning for the retrieval. 16 eggs! 3 days later they transferred a single 8 cell grade A embryo. 2 weeks later we found out it was a BFN. It was NOT a Christmas miracle.

We did end up with two frosties which we will transfer on 2/21. Im taking estrogen now and it is kicking my fucking ass. Speaking of ass, I also have to take shots of progesterone in my ass starting in a few days. I thought the FET prep was going to be easier! So far, not so much.

It is different this time around. Obviously I don’t have time to analyze every step and think about it 24/7. So, in that sense it is better because Im so busy with Lily that I can’t sit around being a Debbie Downer all day. Thankfully Lily decided to take a nice 2+ hour nap on the day I found out the IVF was a BFN. I laid in bed and cried my eyes out. But when she was up, it was over. I had to be strong for her.

It is different now. Lily is my miracle and my ultimate joy. I still am in disbelief that she is here and that she is mine. Life is so filled with details, so it is easy to get caught up in the constant every day planning ,and to forget to soak in the blessings in our lives. Even after 16 months, and after taking her on multiple vacations, having her Christened and celebrating her 1st Birthday, I still second guess myself when I say, “my daughter..”, because it is still so hard to believe it’s true.

Infertility is still real though and it is still fucking up my life. The process I am going through now makes me physically, mentally and emotionally weak- which affects my abilities to be the best mom to Lily. She deserves a sibling. She deserves someone who will be there for her , always. Someone to share a childhood with, life with and a future with.

In my heart, I really feel like there is another little soul floating out there, waiting to find life in me and with our family. I am positive and hopeful, but still scared.