…in IVF land is a complicated thing.
On one hand, this should be a cake walk. I’ve gone through the motions. I know the drill. I know that I CAN get pregnant. And the stakes shouldn’t be as high since I already have a healthy, happy beautiful baby. Right? So basically, if it does not work out we can shrug our shoulders and say, “oh well”, and then go out for ice cream.
As much I as I would like to say that and mean it, I can’t. It still hurts. My heart is full of love for my daughter and I don’t take for granted for a second the fact that I have been given such a precious gift. She is a miracle. But I guess I must be a selfish person because I think I deserve another one. If most people can decide to reproduce on a wimb, or in the midst of passion, or to try for a specific sex,,,, why should I feel guilty for desiring one more? If the fucking Duggers can have 20 kids why can’t I have TWO? Why do I have to feel guilty for that, just because I am in IVF land?
Before I had Lily I felt a huge void in my life and in my heart that only a child could fill. It’s not as big, but it’s still there. Before I got pregnant with Lily I was on the ledge, and she saved me. She saved me from drowning in such deep sorrow and from losing my sense of purpose. So now, I am whole. I am basking in this sweet, perfect love but my biological/maternal instincts are making me crave more. More for me, but also for my whole family.
If I had read this post pre-pregnancy I would have hated me. I would have been sickened by my selfishness and ungratefulness. I would have thought that I was fucking nuts and would wonder why I couldn’t just be satisfied with one baby, given that so many never even get to experience that. I can hear it in some friends’ voices as I tell them what I’ve been going through each week with the needles, medications, doctor’s visits, etc. They’ll never say it, but I know they think Im nuts and maybe a bit obsessed.
But Im not obsessed. Im 36 and I am infertile. The only way I can potentially get pregnant is through medical intervention. It requires months and months of preparation, planning, waiting, probing, medicating, more medicating, more waiting, testing, failing and then doing it all over again. So for all of you well meaning fertile friends, do NOT tell me to fucking relax. Do NOT tell me not to rush it. And do NOT tell me that maybe I should just be happy with one. Because YOU are in control of your reproductive systems and can choose to fulfill or not to fulfill all of your maternal desires . I am not so lucky.