Monthly Archives: December 2009

My Day 1 is January 1!

I hope this is a sign. I just got the results call from my baseline blood and ultrasound this morning and the nurse told me my “Day 1” of stims will be tomorrow-January 1st. I love that it coincides with the new year! She said my estradiol level was nice and low at 52 and that I had follicles which were less than 10 millimeters on each ovary. I take one more 10 unit dose of Lupron tonight, then decrease it to 5 units tomorrow along with 225 units of Gonal F. Then another baseline appt first thing Monday morning. Woohooo! This is getting exciting.

Happy New Year!

IVF Journey Day #7: Counting My Blessings

Things are going surprisingly well. I have this week off from work and had been grateful that at least I wouldn’t be sitting in my office  pulling my hair out and being an emotional basket case. But right now, I am in a good place. Tomorrow may be a different story but I’m taking this one day at a time. I have my week planned out in a perfect balance of productivity and relaxation. My agenda includes: shopping/returning gifts, spa facial, cleaning out closets, long wine lunch with a good friend, donating old clothes to charity, getting car serviced, etc.  I should be working out and dieting but once again, I’ll forgive myself for keeping these few extra pounds on. (Hey, I need some extra skin to take all these injections right??)  I’m just hoping that everything will go smoothly for this cycle and that there will be no surprises. For instance, having to postpone stims due to cysts or having to cancel the whole thing due to overstimulation. I’m trying not to think too much about all of the negative possibilities and am trying only to focus on the positive ones.

I have to say though that I must be the most clueless person ever to be doing IVF. I started spotting today and immediately thought that something was wrong. After a few google searches I realized that it is normal to get your period while on Lupron. For some reason, I figured I wouldn’t get it. Oh well, you learn something new everyday in the land of ART.

In my last post, I wrote about how self-destructive it is to compare your life to others, and how each individual’s journey is too unique to parallel with any other. Today, I realized this more than ever. I had a very long talk with an old college roommate who just had her first baby six weeks ago. I had called her several times over the past few weeks but hadn’t heard anything back from her, which was strange.  In college I was always a bit envious of her because she was so ambitious and came from an idyllic family. She never had to worry about money since her father was a prominent doctor in Manhattan and while she successfully worked her way through the nursing program,  I slacked off and had to change majors. It would still be easy for me right now to be a bit envious of her, as she enjoys her new healthy baby girl. But now that I see the big picture, I feel so lucky to be me………. infertile or not.

I always knew that her husband was a jerk, but I learned today that he is full-blown verbally and emotionally abusive. He calls her terrible names, belittles her and blames her for everything. Even on the way  to the hospital as she was starting labor he was yelling at her for something she forgot to do earlier that day. He threatens to divorce her and even threatened to take the baby. He told her she was emotionally unstable the week after she gave birth and told her she was unfit to care for her baby. I warned her that she needed to put her foot down and to not tolerate this anymore, but I’m not sure she’ll really ever stand up to him. I feel so sad for my friend and don’t know how to help her.

I do know that I would rather be childless than be abused.

I have been realizing more and more that the meaning in my life should not be measured solely based on baby or no baby. Life has so many layers and so many hidden blessings.  My journey has been bumpy but it makes me who I am. I love all of the quirky little pieces and layers and wouldn’t trade them  for the world. Even though I may not have reached motherhood yet, I know that I am on my way, and feel pretty damn fulfilled with ALL I have and WHO I have to take me there……

Hello Lupron….The IVF Adventure Begins

Today is day #2 of Lupron. So far so good. In fact, it’s pretty anticlimactic. Because this hormone actually suppresses your cycle I feel kind of like I’m going backwards instead of forwards, but I guess I should trust the experts and believe that I am actually working towards something. The nurse told me that it is better to start with a “clean slate”. Clean slate, dirty slate– whatever works. I feel normal so far….with no noticable side effects thankfully. I was worried that I would be a crazy bitch on Christmas so hopefully things don’t make a turn for the worse tomorrow.

I am so ready for this. I feel like a college freshman being dropped off on campus for the first time. It’s so scary but in a good way. The excitement of the unknown, of all of the wonderful possibilities and of knowing that as of this very moment–I will never be the same. After this process, no matter what the outcome, I will be forever changed. The actual procedure seems so far away right now, but actually it’s not. My biggest worry (aside from it not working) is what I will tell work as to why I will be out sporadically during the first week of the semester. I work in university administration and the first week of the semester is like christmas week for retailers. I can’t just call in with the sniffles, it has to be a serious issue. It’s going to be hell but hopefully well worth it.

It is nice having the distraction of the holidays right now. I am really enjoying them so far and am feeling genuinely happy about my life. I’m in a good place. Looking back on past cycles, Im realizing that I was not in the best state. I was feeling overwhelmed, impatient and angry. Right now, at this moment, I feel content, forgiving and accepting. Of course, it is easy to feel this way knowing I don’t have to go back to work until Jan 4th and because I’ve been off of meds for almost a month. At least I know that I am comfortable with myself and with my decision. I am fully present and feel totally satisfied. This is my journey and there is no turning back.

I had a great long talk today on the phone with an old friend. She lives a life many would be envious of–she is brilliantly talented, lives on the ocean in California, has a great career and travels the world. She has not yet married her live in boyfriend and is not sure she wants children. She was talking about how frustrating it is sometimes talking to her sister, whose life seemed so easy sometimes. Her sister is getting ready to have a baby and has a husband who makes a good enough living so that she doesn’t have to go back to work. Understandably, my friend felt a bit jealous that while she was toiling away at her stressful job, her sister was home trying new recipes and knitting baby clothes. My friend could not see how amazing her life was at that moment, but instead just how lucky her sister was for not having to work. I told her that that was HER journey and that you can never compare others to yours. Each one is so different and is filled with its own blessings and heartbreaks–just in different forms.

This of course made me realize how important it is that I look at this the same way. This is MY journey. It is mine alone and it will bring me to where I am meant to be.

The Year of Good Fortune

I have decided that 2010 will be my year of good fortune. 2009 was a year of struggle, frustration and disappointment. Im so glad it’s over.

While I feel that my life is generally filled with good fortunes, 2009 did not bring me anything but crap. I realized this last night at a pre-holiday dinner as my family played a game called “Peppermint Pig.” Each person takes the candy pig, tells a story of good fortune from the past year and then hits the pig with hammer to break pieces off (there is more background to this game but I honestly wasnt paying attention to it). As the pig went around the table I became more and more nervous because I could not think of one damn story of good fortune this year. My cousin, aunt, uncle, etc. all had plenty to say since my cousin just had a baby last month. As I went through each month of 2009, all I could think of was heartache, tears, a bunch of fucking bullshit, crap and more bullshit. Finally, at my turn I emotionally said that my good fortune was that my Dad survived a horrible motorcycle accident in August. This was my one my true blessing this year. I do have one.

I will choose to believe that next Christmas, as the pig makes its way around to me, I will have lots to say. I will be overflowing with joy and gratefulness. I will be holding that pig, looking at my husband with tears in my eyes not knowing where to start. This will be my best year yet.

While I look forward to the outcome, I do step timidly to this next step of IVF. My mind has mostly been consumed with work and the holidays over these past few weeks and I think that I have been somewhat in denial about the process I am about to embark on. My box of IVF medications has been stuffed in a closet and I haven’t even spent much time looking at it or reading through it. I need to face it now because my blood draw is in two days and Lupron will start immediately after that.

I feel like I am getting on a roller coaster. I’m locked in and it’s starting to roll down the track. Im the most scared and excited as I’ve ever been…

Dear Baby

Dear Son/Daughter,

Someday when you grow up, you may realize and understand just how excited mommy and daddy were for  you to join our family. We had been dreaming about you our entire lives and couldn’t wait for you to arrive. While we haven’t met you yet, we already love you so much.

Unfortunately we needed to wait a little longer than we had thought for your arrival. While we waited, we did our best to grow as individuals and in our marriage so that we could be the best mommy and daddy we could be. We prepared ourselves mentally, emotionally and spiritually and knew that being parents to YOU would be the most important thing we would ever do. We made lists of all of the places where we want to take you and all of the things we wanted to show you. I made lists of names for you and saved my childhood books so that someday I could read them to you. Daddy couldn’t wait to take you camping, and to teach you how to ski and ride a bike. I couldn’t wait to hold you in my arms and experience every bit of life with you. Mostly, we just wanted to finally see you, know you and love you.

We promise and hope to be the best parents we can be. You will always know that you are loved.  We have already made sacrifices for you and will continue to do so to make sure that you will always have everything you need. We want you to be confident, happy and to follow your dreams. We will do our best to teach you how to be a good friend and a good person. Each time your heart is broken we will be there to hold you and comfort you. We will love you for who you are.  You will always have our support and guidance, and with everything you do, we will be there in the front row cheering you on.

Right now, we are missing a piece and that piece is you. We are so excited to be your mommy and daddy and hope that by next Christmas you will finally be here with us, filling our hearts with joy. You will be the greatest blessing of our lives.

Nothing to Bring to the Table

I have been M.I.A because I have “blogger-block”. If I was a real “writer” I would have writers block, but since I am a mere “blogger” I will call it blogger-block. Nothing to bring to the table. Somehow I got out of taking the pill in preparation for IVF so I am acting like a medication-free normal person until Lupron starts on the 22nd.

I have been doing a lot of Christmas shopping, visiting friends and even got schnickered at a Xmas party on Saturday night. I went to see two new babies of close friends and didnt feel sorry for myself at all. Work has been ridiculously busy which is also a great distraction.

My 13 year old dog has also been sick so hubby and I are spending time taking care of him and wondering if we will soon be faced with the dreaded decision. It is good to at least spend my emotional energy on someone other than myself.

There are so many things that I am unsure of right now. I dont know whether to be excited for this next step or to dread it. I cant tell if I am really strong right now, or if I am just numb. I dont know if I have truly accepted the journey I am about to embark on, or if I am in denial. I dont know if it is right to truly believe that this will happen for me or if that is just being naive and overly optimistic. I dont know what my life would be like if this does not work, but it is also hard to actually picture the reality that it will.