Things are going surprisingly well. I have this week off from work and had been grateful that at least I wouldn’t be sitting in my office pulling my hair out and being an emotional basket case. But right now, I am in a good place. Tomorrow may be a different story but I’m taking this one day at a time. I have my week planned out in a perfect balance of productivity and relaxation. My agenda includes: shopping/returning gifts, spa facial, cleaning out closets, long wine lunch with a good friend, donating old clothes to charity, getting car serviced, etc. I should be working out and dieting but once again, I’ll forgive myself for keeping these few extra pounds on. (Hey, I need some extra skin to take all these injections right??) I’m just hoping that everything will go smoothly for this cycle and that there will be no surprises. For instance, having to postpone stims due to cysts or having to cancel the whole thing due to overstimulation. I’m trying not to think too much about all of the negative possibilities and am trying only to focus on the positive ones.
I have to say though that I must be the most clueless person ever to be doing IVF. I started spotting today and immediately thought that something was wrong. After a few google searches I realized that it is normal to get your period while on Lupron. For some reason, I figured I wouldn’t get it. Oh well, you learn something new everyday in the land of ART.
In my last post, I wrote about how self-destructive it is to compare your life to others, and how each individual’s journey is too unique to parallel with any other. Today, I realized this more than ever. I had a very long talk with an old college roommate who just had her first baby six weeks ago. I had called her several times over the past few weeks but hadn’t heard anything back from her, which was strange. In college I was always a bit envious of her because she was so ambitious and came from an idyllic family. She never had to worry about money since her father was a prominent doctor in Manhattan and while she successfully worked her way through the nursing program, I slacked off and had to change majors. It would still be easy for me right now to be a bit envious of her, as she enjoys her new healthy baby girl. But now that I see the big picture, I feel so lucky to be me………. infertile or not.
I always knew that her husband was a jerk, but I learned today that he is full-blown verbally and emotionally abusive. He calls her terrible names, belittles her and blames her for everything. Even on the way to the hospital as she was starting labor he was yelling at her for something she forgot to do earlier that day. He threatens to divorce her and even threatened to take the baby. He told her she was emotionally unstable the week after she gave birth and told her she was unfit to care for her baby. I warned her that she needed to put her foot down and to not tolerate this anymore, but I’m not sure she’ll really ever stand up to him. I feel so sad for my friend and don’t know how to help her.
I do know that I would rather be childless than be abused.
I have been realizing more and more that the meaning in my life should not be measured solely based on baby or no baby. Life has so many layers and so many hidden blessings. My journey has been bumpy but it makes me who I am. I love all of the quirky little pieces and layers and wouldn’t trade them for the world. Even though I may not have reached motherhood yet, I know that I am on my way, and feel pretty damn fulfilled with ALL I have and WHO I have to take me there……