Wow, it’s been a week since my last post. I’m sorry that I have been so neglectful to my blog and loyal blogger friends. It’s just that I don’t have a lot to say right now. Everyday I wake up still in disbelief that I am pregnant and have experienced so many conflicting emotions. As soon as I start to feel any joy or excitement, the infertile in me tells me to be worried, scared and cautious. The negative, nagging infertile reminds me of all the things that could still go wrong and that I don’t know if this pregnancy is even viable. We still have not told our families because I’m not quite in the “Hooray, we’re pregnant!” mode yet. Right now, it’s just not real to me. My few friends that know are beyond thrilled for me and have already started giving me baby books. One even bought me a Bella Band which was so incredibly sweet. While their joy for me is a true blessing in itself, it is also a bit overwhelming because I can not share in the celebration. As soon as I started reading a chapter about “birthing options” in “What to Expect…”, I closed the book and put it right back down.
If we had better fertilization results from my IVF, I wouldn’t be so scared. If I had a few frozen embabies waiting for me I might feel a little more relaxed. But I dont. This could be my only chance since any future IVF attempts may have the same abysmal results. This pregnancy is EVERYTHING. I have everything to lose and everything to gain. So no, I’m not quite relaxed yet. I still cannot believe that this miracle has occurred.
5 more days until my 7 week ultrasound and it cannot come soon enough! I also made an app with an OB but was very disappointed to find out that they don’t do an ultrasound at the first appointment! WTF!? Going from 3-4 ultrasounds a week during stims to ONE throughout my whole first trimester is a little unnerving! I am seriously considering just begging my doctor to do another one and saying that I will pay out of pocket. (Hopefully I will get some extra sympathy at the OB as an IVF patient!) I dont care if it costs a couple hundy because it is so worth my peace of mind.
So now, I wait and go about my days as usual. I experienced my first bout of nausea yesterday which was uncomfortable but comforting at the same time. I actually had to get out of the shower covered in suds just so I could sit down on the toilet and put my head down. My boobs are still sore thank goodness and I have definitely been feeling fatigued and moody (can you say road rage?!). All good signs I guess. I just want to see it to believe it!!