Beta #3

Warning: This post contains whining from a pregnant person. Be prepared to be annoyed.

My third beta results yesterday were great at 3100! My progesterone level was also high enough that told me I could stop using the suppositories. Hooray! Those suppositories are a real drag. I opted to take them 3 times a day over the injections since I am such a needle wimp…..but they were pretty gross. God forbid I walked around my house in the morning getting ready for work in just a robe (sans undies), because I would end up leaking drops of melted suppository all over the house! So gross I know. My husband even asked me what those white spots were on the kitchen floor…and I told him I didn’t know! Haha. I haven’t been the biggest sex pot in the world lately so I didn’t think I needed to make it worse by telling him I was leaking white junk all over the place out of my hoohaa.

So I haven’t been blogging much lately because I don’t really have much to say. I think I am having a bit of an identity crisis. It is a strange feeling going from the deep dark depths of IF to all of a sudden being pregnant. It is not as easy as I had imagined. First of all, I am still not over the devastation of learning that out of 20 eggs, only one embryo was barely viable. Pregnant or not, that is really fucking bad.Whether or not this pregnancy sticks, that heartbreak will last with me forever. And now I fear that any future IVF attempt will be equally questionable. A week and a half ago I was in a very sad, dark place. Now I cannot simply turn around and be a gleeful pregnant lady. As much I would love to become a blissful prego beaming with pride, I still feel like the same worried, anxious, cautious person I have been for a year and a half.

But obviously, I AM happy. I am the happiest I have ever been about anything in my life. THIS is what I have been waiting for. This means more than anything. This would be a miracle. This IS and WILL be the greatest blessing I could imagine.

But….I cant totally let myself go to that happy place yet because if something were to go wrong, the fall would be even harder.

My “OB ultrasound” is on Feb 15th which will be at the 7 week mark. If all goes well they release me to the OB-GYN. (!!?) By then, I promise, I will allow myself to be more excited.


9 responses to “Beta #3

  1. Once my suppositories leaked through my underwear, through my pants, onto my desk chair at work. There is still a greasy stain, a couple of years later. After that, I only wore my bad underpants accompanied by a liner. It is a very happy milestone of pregnancy to be able to get rid of them.

    Congrats on the great beta!

  2. i totally hear you. take your time to come to terms with reality. IF is an unbelievably crappy thing to live through and its understandable to have mixed feelings.
    try to let yourself enjoy the process of pregnancy though. it is just as unbelievable, but in a completely opposite way.
    all my best to you and your little pumpkin seed!


  3. 3100? Holy beta numbers Batman!

    I so know where you are. It took me hearing the heartbeat before I could relax and start to look forward and be in a much more happy place.

    (Though I am still consider myself a much better IF person than a pregnant person. Today I described it in an email as having followed the yellow brick road, making it to the Emerald City and then not having a map or even a horse of a different color to follow.)


  4. Woohoo!!!! Great beta! I totally get where your head is. I remember thinking that I knew how to be infertile but I had no freakin clue how to be pregnant. Good luck and try to enjoy it all. I really regret not living in the moment and relishing the pregnancy

  5. That’s fantastic news…congrats!!! I have to say your post gave me hope that I really needed tonight, we had a very disappointing fertilization report today & then I saw that all you had was one, but that it was enough…thank you for giving me some hope.
    Also I so completely relate to “I cant totally let myself go to that happy place yet because if something were to go wrong, the fall would be even harder.” You said so perfectly what I am currently feeling. Praying things continue to progress well for you & baby:)

  6. Excellent beta! I’m sure it is (will be, for me!) hard to wrap your head around being pregnant and not having to deal with all the IF procedures/appts/etc anymore. Take it easy on yourself 🙂 You’re growing a baby!

  7. That’s a lovely, lovely, high number. Yippee!

    Just revel in it, girl. I’d switch places with you in a heartbeat.

  8. omg, i am so thrilled for you! julie, you did it! i’m so sorry the other eggs didn’t make it. hugs!

    your OB u/s is that day after valentines! what a sweet way to celebrate. xo!

  9. rainingblossoms

    Yippeee! What wonderful news! Those are some wonderful numbers! Enjoy it!

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