MORE Disbelief……TWO lines???

I woke up this morning feeling very down in the dumps. My eyes opened at 6:30am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind was racing with anxiety and fear of the upcoming months and the potentials of failed cycles. My boobs didn’t feel as sore so I was convinced the whole thing was big fat failure.

I decided to POAS. I immediately noticed some faint spotting and thought, “fucking awesome, Im getting my period.” I reached down to put the stick in the line of pee and literally, only about 5 drops came out. WTF?!? Now I’ve wasted a test. But then, I saw it. Two lines. I’ve never seen them before. I just laughed and didnt really believe it. After a few glasses of water I tested again. They’re still there.

I’m happy but I am too scared to be excited. IF has robbed me of what should be a joyful experience. I should be crying, dancing and cheering but instead, Im just going about my day. What is wrong with me? If I am pregnant, when will I ever allow myself to feel excited? Probably not until they put the baby in my arms. ย I am so scared that this will be a chemical pregnancy. I find out Tuesday.

I feel like someone needs to shake me right now and say, ” You are pregnant god dammit, the test was positive! Cant you stop being such a downer and just be happy?!?”ย Well, if I had perfect embryos I might be able to enjoy this more. But mine was a slow developer and the odds werent high.

Say a prayer for my little fighter!!!


24 responses to “MORE Disbelief……TWO lines???

  1. HOLY CRAP!!!!! omg omg omg!!! i’m am crying tears of joy for you! yaaaaay! YOU ARE PREGNANT! honey, hugs hugs hugs!!!! now let the old you come back. she’s waiting for you to let her in. do it! celebrate and be happy! xoxoxoxo!

  2. Congratulations!! I hope you can find some calm and are able to actually enjoy this amazing miracle! I remember when I got my bfp, I just stared at it and was in shock. I always imagined that I’d be jumping up and down and so excited, but it just didn’t seem real.

    Lots of prayers for you and your sweet baby!!

    the subfertile frugalista

  3. That’s wonderful!!! Congrats! I will be thinking positive thoughts for you. Enjoy the moment, if you can. It’s filled with such wonderful potential.

  4. Yay! Just goes to show you that doctors can’t tell everything from what an embryo looks like on day 3. I know how you feel about not being excited though. IF does rob you of all the good things that fertile people don’t think twice about experiencing. Keep trying to think positive thoughts. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. Oh my! Congratulations!! I know I’d probably feel worried, too, but so many people encourage newly-pregnant IF’ers to just take things day by day- and today you got your BFP!!

  6. Congratulations on your wonderful news!! Could you call tomorrow and get your beta moved up? Best wishes to you! I know the fear of chem pg all too well and hope that your bean is snuggled in there very tightly!! Lots of ++ thoughts for you!!!

  7. Yippee! Congratulations! Mazeltov!

    That’s fabulous news! When are you going to have a beta to confirm?

  8. woo hoo!
    let me be excited for you!!!
    can’t wait to hear what happens next ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. There is nothing wrong with you. IF is a bastard thief – first stealing the “normal” way to get pregnant, and then stealing the excitement you want to feel when you do see those two lines, or plus, or “pregnant”.

    I will be sending good thoughts your way that you get great results on Tuesday and that little embryo keeps on fighting.

  10. Awww Julie ๐Ÿ™‚ YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAY! I’m so excited for you girlie! SOO excited ๐Ÿ™‚
    Don’t worry about your emotions (or lack thereof) = IMHO, it’s completely normal to feel ambivalence towards a BFP after IVF and IF.
    Sending you lots of prayers for your fighter embie!

  11. Pingback: Sunday Catch-Up « IF Crossroads …

  12. Congratulations! Wishing you all the best for an uneventful and stress free pregnancy!

  13. Congratulations!!!!!! I was hoping and praying that little 4-cell embie would hang on, and I am so happy that it did!

  14. Congrats, Julie!!!

  15. Congratulations!!!

  16. Congrats!! Stopping by from IF Crossroads… I’ll be honest with you, I’m 15 weeks today and I still haven’t relaxed. Good luck with the beta and I’m hoping this is it for you!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. thinking about you! and smiling really big! did you test again today? xo!

    • Thanks! Hell ya I tested again! I’ve done 4 just to make sure.
      I must say, those 2 lines are the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life. You know I am the queen of metaphors, but I feel like I’m almost (finally) “HOME” and that I have found my pot of gold. (so corny, I know)
      Problem is, finding out if it will last. Ahhh!

      Hope you are doing well and that you get an awesome report today!!

  18. Here from IF Crossroads… I’m not joking when I tell people that I won’t relax until my 39th week and probably not even then. For an IFer, totally normal to expect there to be a scary clown ready to jump out of the bushes and tell you it’s all a trick, but it really sounds like you’re pregnant mama! I’ll be looking for that beta later today!

  19. YEAH!! Wonderful, wonderful news ๐Ÿ™‚ Congrats!

  20. Yay! Yay! Yay! All I can say, is one day at a time!

  21. OMG!!! That is the best news I’ve heard all day!!! I’m so excited for you. I know the anxiety that you must feel right now…but take it one day at a time. Be yourself, keep living normally and we will all pray for stickiness for you! Keep us posted!

  22. Baby vibes are on their way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s