I woke up this morning feeling very down in the dumps. My eyes opened at 6:30am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind was racing with anxiety and fear of the upcoming months and the potentials of failed cycles. My boobs didn’t feel as sore so I was convinced the whole thing was big fat failure.
I decided to POAS. I immediately noticed some faint spotting and thought, “fucking awesome, Im getting my period.” I reached down to put the stick in the line of pee and literally, only about 5 drops came out. WTF?!? Now I’ve wasted a test. But then, I saw it. Two lines. I’ve never seen them before. I just laughed and didnt really believe it. After a few glasses of water I tested again. They’re still there.
I’m happy but I am too scared to be excited. IF has robbed me of what should be a joyful experience. I should be crying, dancing and cheering but instead, Im just going about my day. What is wrong with me? If I am pregnant, when will I ever allow myself to feel excited? Probably not until they put the baby in my arms. I am so scared that this will be a chemical pregnancy. I find out Tuesday.
I feel like someone needs to shake me right now and say, ” You are pregnant god dammit, the test was positive! Cant you stop being such a downer and just be happy?!?” Well, if I had perfect embryos I might be able to enjoy this more. But mine was a slow developer and the odds werent high.
Say a prayer for my little fighter!!!