Coming Out of the Fog

I finally feel a little bit more like myself today. For the 2nd time in 5 days, I was able to get dressed out of my pajamas, leave the house and do something productive. I ran some errands, did some laundry and cleaned up the house a bit. I feel like I can finally join the world again after literally checking out for a few days. The results of the embryo transfer were shocking, devastating and traumatizing. It felt as if the most important dream and purpose in my life was being ripped away. I was hopeless and sure that my abilities to produce my own biological child were nonexistent.

Trying to wrap my head around a life without children is just far too painful of a reality. I’m just not that interesting or glamorous to pull it off. My spare room is not used for some really cool hobby like painting, photography, fashion design or even fitness; it is totally bare and only has a bed and a shelf full of my old childhood books. My “nightlife” days have also dwindled down significantly and now consists of dinner out with friends or a Red Sox game. We indulge in some nice vacations a few times a year, but generally my schedule is pretty much clear. Another year, or two or three without a child is unfathomable. How would I be able to find any meaning in my life? I even went online to browse donor egg profiles, sure that it would eventually be a necessary step (either that or adoption).

My R.E. Office has not quite redeemed itself, but my R.E. did finally call me today to ease my worries. I totally felt like a boob though after crying on the phone with the nurse, which actually prompted the immediate call from the R.E. So there must have been some dialogue between those calls that went something like: “Um, Dr. X, you better call this patient, she is an absolute basket case.”  Anyway, R.E. feels confident that based on my age, fertilization rates and response to stim drugs, they will be able to adjust to a protocol that will produce some better eggs & embies. I guess the problem was the slow growth of the embryos(duh), and she said that this may even be a good thing because we know what the “unexplained” problem is and focus on fixing it. She sounded very confident that she could whip up another protocol concoction to improve the results next time so I’m choosing to believe her.  What else can I do? I asked her about the issue of not putting 2 embryos in given their size and she basically gave me the answer I suspected, that based on my age they didnt want to take the risk of both of them taking. Uh, yeah whatever. You are the brilliant fucking doctor, you supposedly know everything so I guess I’ll take your word for it. (Little does she know that next time if she tries to pull the “one and done”  thing again on iffy results….. Im going against her wishes!)

Im still praying so hard for this the little embie. If it grows into a baby- we can always tell him/her what a fighter they were and that they will always be our little miracle.

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6 responses to “Coming Out of the Fog

  1. My RE tweaked the meds on every cycle – so it’s encouraging that they aren’t going to keep using the same protocol.

    But I really hope it isn’t necessary because your one embie sticks and grows into a beautiful healthy baby.

  2. well i think you won’t even need a new meds cocktail, but its good to know she has a plan in case you do. but you won’t. 🙂

    i know that void in life with no baby all too well. especially after trying for so long, we cut out more and more of our old lives making more and more space for what’s to come. but that won’t be the case for long. it will happen. it WILL!

    glad you’re starting to feel better. hugs! xo!

  3. Oh wow, I can understand why you are upset girlie. I really can. It’s like you NEED to have a plan B even while waiting to see if Plan A worked. I don’t understand for the life of me why they are still refusing to allow you to transfer 2 embies! Especially if quality was the issue in the first place. Even given your age, 2 isn’t unrealistic.

    …. I hope you don’t need to think about all of this but if you do, I can understand your hesitation about this clinic …

  4. how are you doing? thinking of you! xo.

  5. “Trying to wrap my head around a life without children is just far too painful of a reality.” This. Exactly.

    Glad the fog is lifting. I’m thinking of you!

  6. Many, many hugs to you.

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