Transferred

I wish I could say that I was elated right now, but I am not. I wish i could say that I am “PUPO”(Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise”), but I am not even that optimistic. I wish. I wish. I wish I felt better about my chances. I honestly cannot remember the last time I cried this much. I feel like my big balloon of excitement has been  just been popped and all that is left is a big ugly deflated piece of rubber on the floor.

We walked into the R.E. Office feeling very positive and excited. I sat there diligently drinking my 3 big glasses of water while DH just sat there smiling. Once we got into the procedure room, things just got overwhelming. I had my husband there next to me, along with a nurse, the ultrasound tech, the doctor and the embryologist who came in and out. The doctor was not my doctor and I couldn’t imagine that his specialty was infertility because he was anything but comforting. The first thing he said was ” I need to talk to you about your embryos.”. Um, yeah asshole, that is why I’m here so spit it out. He tells me that they are growing slowly and that I have 3-4 ( I forgot) at the 4 cell stage. There was a bunch of others but I guess the quality wasnt that great. Seriously, it all happens so fast that I couldn’t absorb everything that they were telling me. There was one 4 cell at grade “A” so they will implant that one. The other 2 or so will continue to grow and they will let me know if they make it to freeze. WHAT?! What happened to my 20 eggs? Where are all of my perfect 7-8 cell embryos I thought we were going to get? I also felt pressured into only transferring in 1. It felt like they didn’t give me a choice since my R.E. suggested transferring only 1 because of my age. The doctor that was there said “Now we don’t want twins…” Umm, would that be the worst thing in the world? What if the other few don’t even make it to freeze and their only chance for survival was in my uterus? What if this was my last chance? WHAT THE FUCK. I can’t believe my embryo, though high quality supposedly–is not at the optimal size. I cannot believe that I may indeed have to go through this process again, if not for my first baby but for my second. I really thought that I was done. After hearing that I had 20 eggs I thought they would end up being my kids. No more hormone injections and egg retrievals. No more of THIS.

During the transfer, we watched on the screen as the little embie went into the uterus. The nurse had to give me tissues because I had tears streaming down my face. My poor husband–so enamored with this embryo and optimistic for this cycle–felt heartbroken for me. I thought I was going to cry from happiness during the procedure but instead I cried from my sucky, disappointing results.

Another emotional factor was that they told me to come in for the pg test on Jan 26th–which is the day before my brother’s birthday who past away when I was 16. I always felt like his spirit would live on in my son one day. The timing of this just makes it more meaningful and of course more emotional no matter what the outcome is.

Well, here I am on the 2ww.  We have a picture of our little embie which my husband loves. I would post it here but unfortunately I’m just not feeling that celebratory right now. Maybe I just need to give it time.  I want to feel better but I cant help but feeling like my whole world is crashing down on me. My eggs must suck. My one dream in life of being a mom continues to elude me. I don’t even want to talk to anyone right now.  I am at a loss.

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18 responses to “Transferred

  1. Oh Julie, I am so sorry. To go in with such anticipation and excitement and then get hit with an asshole doctor and not such great news. It stinks. It really stinks.

    ((hugs))

  2. Oh gosh, I think any of us would feel the same disappointment. I am so sorry about your experience today! I am pretty shocked they didn’t give you more information- what the heck?! Maybe you can bring it up with your normal doctor next week (or, tomorrow, if you are as type-A as me). (And what about that testing date- no pressure! My heart would have already convinced itself that I’d be pregnant in rememberance of my brother!!) I will be praying for you for sure- be gentle with yourself (hug)

  3. Wow, that is disappointing. It’s not uncommon for only 50% of eggs to fertilize and then only a fraction of those to make the grade, so to speak.

    Let’s hope that the one little embryo sticks nicely and his/her brothers/sisters mature nicely for the freezer.

    Be good to yourself during this 2WW.

  4. Oh sweetie (((hugs)))
    I felt like the ET was such an emotional and overwhelming process with such overblown hype and unknown outcomes with enormous expectations. I can understand why you are feeling underwhelmed right now and the fact that it wasn’t YOUR RE doing the procedure made you feel less comfortable. I swear, I think it should be mandatory for RE’s to follow their patients through the process from start to finish. Hell, you have put your faith in this person only to be abandoned during crunch time. It’s the same way at my clinic … the luck of the draw if you will.
    Anyway, about your embie. I’m going to say many P&PT’s for a strong little embie that implants in your uterus all snug and tight. A 4 cell embie transfer is NOT impossible and you still have a chance 🙂
    As far as your day of beauty is concerned (aka getting your hair colored) I say go for it. Just tell your stylist that you would like to use a less harsh dye and all should be fine. I forget what the dye is called but it does exist.
    Sending you lots and lots of love.
    Mic

  5. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that your Dr’s bedside manor really sucks. I’m sorry you feel down. I just said a prayer for you and will keep checking in on you. I really hope this works out for you.

  6. I am sorry and I pray your miracle sticks like glue.

  7. Crossing my fingers for you! It only takes one.

  8. I’m here from LFCA. My last transfer, they put in 3 embryos on day 5. One was average and the other 2 were not that great. They didn’t give me much hope. I felt very discouraged and was sure it didn’t work. I am 11 weeks pregnant with quads now (one divided into identical twins). I know someone else who did a day-3 transfer of 3 poor quality embryos and now has triplets. So it CAN happen with poor-quality embryos. I know you’re devastated, but there IS still hope that your little embie will stick around.

    Thinking of you …

  9. Oh, Julie, my heart dropped when I read this! I know that feeling…not in relation to IVF, but crying during our IUI’s and feeling discouraged already. I’m sorry and am praying that embryo is your baby!

  10. Hi, I’m here from LFCA. I’m sorry your transfer felt like such a let down and wasn’t what you were hoping for. When you feel a bit stronger I would definitely talk to your regular doctor and explain your disappointment and concerns. I am hoping that you are able to get through the TWW without too much anxiety and am sending hope for that one embie to grow healthy and strong:)

  11. Sending you sticky vibes. I pray this works for you. Hang in there.

  12. I praying for you! Take care of yourself!

  13. when i read this, my heart sank for you. (huge hugs) it does seem quite craptastic that you were essentially told what was going to happen without any input from you. if they would have told you on the phone prior to your arrival, it would at least given you and your husband some time to discuss it. i’m so sorry. hang in there, because there is still hope. in regard to that insensitive doctor, you should definitely talk to your RE. if you don’t like what you hear back, you can shop around. but here’s to hoping (everything crossed!) you won’t need to. 🙂

    i’ll be thinking of you and your embie. (hugs) stick baby, stick!

  14. Oh, my word. That is just terrible that doctor did that to you. It should have been YOUR doctor that did the transfer, someone you already had a game plan with. The decision on how many to transfer should never be made at transfer. . . I am just furious for you! At the very least, they should have called you the morning of or the night before.

    I will not try to give you false hope, BUT I will tell you that I am praying that this one Grade A embryo will be your miracle.

  15. Dear Julie,

    I am so sorry that you had such a disappointing and heart-wrenching time.

    I’m brand new to your blog – via Stirrup Queens – and want to say that I had an almost identical experience with my first IVF. I was so convinced that it was going to work out – 14 eggs and all seemed to have gone smoothly. Then I ended up with just 4 embryos – and only one of good quality. Like you, I found this out at the last minute, in a cold, dark room with strangers and no idea what was happening. I cried like crazy, and then felt guilty that I was getting upset – some strange magical thinking that it would somehow badly effect my chances of a successful pregnancy.

    My second IVF was even more disappointing from the outset, but at least I had some awesomely nice women doing the transfer. By then I knew that I had only one decent embryo and wasn’t surprised like the first time, so I was just relieved to have warm, caring doctors and nurses there with me. Still, I cried because I just felt like it was all so not what was “supposed” to be happening.

    I’m about to start my third IVF cycle and things have gotten off to a slow start, but as there is nothing concrete known yet, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for this one.

    For you, I only wish beautiful success. The embryo won’t be effected by the coldness of your doctor, so here’s to it!

    EHR

  16. Here from LFCA…just wanted to let you know there is another person out here thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

  17. Here from LFCA. Thinking of you in your 2ww.

  18. here from LFCA. i am so sorry that doctor was such a jerk! the rest is hard, too, but it enrages me that he didn’t choose to show some freakin’ sensitivity. i hope you will talk to your regular doctor about that — maybe someone will keep him from acting like such a putz to the next patient.

    wishing you and your sweet 4-cell the best.

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