Today is day #2 of Lupron. So far so good. In fact, it’s pretty anticlimactic. Because this hormone actually suppresses your cycle I feel kind of like I’m going backwards instead of forwards, but I guess I should trust the experts and believe that I am actually working towards something. The nurse told me that it is better to start with a “clean slate”. Clean slate, dirty slate– whatever works. I feel normal so far….with no noticable side effects thankfully. I was worried that I would be a crazy bitch on Christmas so hopefully things don’t make a turn for the worse tomorrow.
I am so ready for this. I feel like a college freshman being dropped off on campus for the first time. It’s so scary but in a good way. The excitement of the unknown, of all of the wonderful possibilities and of knowing that as of this very moment–I will never be the same. After this process, no matter what the outcome, I will be forever changed. The actual procedure seems so far away right now, but actually it’s not. My biggest worry (aside from it not working) is what I will tell work as to why I will be out sporadically during the first week of the semester. I work in university administration and the first week of the semester is like christmas week for retailers. I can’t just call in with the sniffles, it has to be a serious issue. It’s going to be hell but hopefully well worth it.
It is nice having the distraction of the holidays right now. I am really enjoying them so far and am feeling genuinely happy about my life. I’m in a good place. Looking back on past cycles, Im realizing that I was not in the best state. I was feeling overwhelmed, impatient and angry. Right now, at this moment, I feel content, forgiving and accepting. Of course, it is easy to feel this way knowing I don’t have to go back to work until Jan 4th and because I’ve been off of meds for almost a month. At least I know that I am comfortable with myself and with my decision. I am fully present and feel totally satisfied. This is my journey and there is no turning back.
I had a great long talk today on the phone with an old friend. She lives a life many would be envious of–she is brilliantly talented, lives on the ocean in California, has a great career and travels the world. She has not yet married her live in boyfriend and is not sure she wants children. She was talking about how frustrating it is sometimes talking to her sister, whose life seemed so easy sometimes. Her sister is getting ready to have a baby and has a husband who makes a good enough living so that she doesn’t have to go back to work. Understandably, my friend felt a bit jealous that while she was toiling away at her stressful job, her sister was home trying new recipes and knitting baby clothes. My friend could not see how amazing her life was at that moment, but instead just how lucky her sister was for not having to work. I told her that that was HER journey and that you can never compare others to yours. Each one is so different and is filled with its own blessings and heartbreaks–just in different forms.
This of course made me realize how important it is that I look at this the same way. This is MY journey. It is mine alone and it will bring me to where I am meant to be.