I have decided that 2010 will be my year of good fortune. 2009 was a year of struggle, frustration and disappointment. Im so glad it’s over.
While I feel that my life is generally filled with good fortunes, 2009 did not bring me anything but crap. I realized this last night at a pre-holiday dinner as my family played a game called “Peppermint Pig.” Each person takes the candy pig, tells a story of good fortune from the past year and then hits the pig with hammer to break pieces off (there is more background to this game but I honestly wasnt paying attention to it). As the pig went around the table I became more and more nervous because I could not think of one damn story of good fortune this year. My cousin, aunt, uncle, etc. all had plenty to say since my cousin just had a baby last month. As I went through each month of 2009, all I could think of was heartache, tears, a bunch of fucking bullshit, crap and more bullshit. Finally, at my turn I emotionally said that my good fortune was that my Dad survived a horrible motorcycle accident in August. This was my one my true blessing this year. I do have one.
I will choose to believe that next Christmas, as the pig makes its way around to me, I will have lots to say. I will be overflowing with joy and gratefulness. I will be holding that pig, looking at my husband with tears in my eyes not knowing where to start. This will be my best year yet.
While I look forward to the outcome, I do step timidly to this next step of IVF. My mind has mostly been consumed with work and the holidays over these past few weeks and I think that I have been somewhat in denial about the process I am about to embark on. My box of IVF medications has been stuffed in a closet and I haven’t even spent much time looking at it or reading through it. I need to face it now because my blood draw is in two days and Lupron will start immediately after that.
I feel like I am getting on a roller coaster. I’m locked in and it’s starting to roll down the track. Im the most scared and excited as I’ve ever been…