Feeling Childless

This Christmas is going to be hard. Last Christmas wasn’t that bad because I was still in the earlier stages of trying. That was when I still thought we’d get pregnant the natural way.  I had joked about being that depressing childless person who looks longingly at the baby food in the grocery store and desperately travels to Siberia to adopt a 6-year-old. Haha, I thought. Good thing that will never be me.

And here I am, a year later. Friends have since gotten pregnant and have had their babies. We have celebrated another wedding anniversary, have turned another year older and are getting scary close to our mid-thirties. Not so funny anymore. We excitedly told some family and friends last year when we started trying;  now when we see them it’s feels like our childlessness is the big fucking elephant in the room.

Im trying to get into the Christmas spirit but feel like I am constantly surrounded by the joy of other families and everybody else’s kids.

I spent an hour in ToysRuS on the day after Thanksgiving shopping for my nieces and nephew. There were so may families in there sharing in their kid’s excitement together. I felt like throwing Legos at them all.

I know that soon we will begin receiving the Christmas cards. Endless pictures of babies and toddlers in their Christmas best sitting with Santa or the family dog.  Im not going to bother sending out cards this year. Signing generic cards with only my and my husband’s signature would just feel like such a reminder that we are still only a couple and not yet a family.

I thought that by this Christmas I would be waiting in line for a picture of my baby on Santa’s lap. I thought I’d be adding a new stocking on the mantle. I thought I would be putting a new ornament on the tree that says “Baby’s First Christmas”.

Im just feeling a little down right now. I just know that my beta on IUI#4 will be negative tomorrow. My digital HPT gave me a “NOT PREGNANT” almost instantly this morning, even before the 3 minute waiting time. I really thought I’d be pregnant by now. The holidays are only a reminder that Im not.

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2 responses to “Feeling Childless

  1. I’m sorry to hear about the BFN. I think this is a hard time of year for so many people and for so many reasons. And I can empathize with the fear of getting older and not getting pregnant, because you just don’t know when it’s going to happen for you or what sacrifices you will have to make to get that positive test.

    Hopefully if you give it a couple of days, you’ll feel better. It’s always so hard to focus on a particular date for so long and then find out that once again, you’ve got a negative result and will need to try again. I always find that it takes a couple of days to regain my grounding.

  2. I’m feeling blue as well – maybe it is all the reminders of our infertility that another year of holidays bring. I am so, so sorry for the negative HPT. Thinking of you.

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