The countdown is on. In 5-6 days I find out whether or not this last IUI worked and if I will join the IVF club. So far I feel normal, just a bit irritable which can be chalked up to pms, progesterone or just that fact that this holiday week is really going to blow. I need to get up at 5am tomorrow to ride 3 hours in the back seat of my aunt and uncle’s car to attend my great aunt’s funeral, and then return in the same day. We are going to hit THE worst traffic coming back since it is the busiest travel day of the year, especially in this area (Boston). WTF?!? Good thing I am only cooking turkey for 3 on Thursday because I might be a little unprepared and unmotivated to make a spectacular dinner.
I do need to go to this funeral ,#1 Because Aunt Phyllis was always very good to me and #2-Because I need to “represent” since I am the only niece who can attend. My sister oh-so-conveniently lives out of the country and my cousin is busy with her very new-newborn and 19 month old. Thankfully my schedule is wide open! I did go visit the new baby over the weekend and he is very cute. Sometimes when I am around newborns I question my ability to have one. They are SO small and floppy. I always feel so awkward picking them up and passing them off, like a teenage boy who has no maternal instinct whatsoever. He was farting away as I held him so passed him off for a diaper change. Not exactly something you might imagine a baby starved person would do.
Surprisingly I am ok after the visit. I really thought that after 4 (almost 5) births of friends’ babies over the past few months I would be put over the edge. I remember thinking that if I wasnt pregnant by November they would have to commit me because I would have a nervous breakdown. I thought that I would definitely be in a deep dark depression and would be curled up in a fetal position under the covers. But Im not hysterical. I am OK. I really believe that when the unimaginable happens we will always find strength to move ahead. Where this strength comes from Im not really sure. I do feel like a combination of forces is carrying me through this. I know that God is giving me amazing strength. I also believe that the spirit and love of those who are walking down this road with me are also giving me the courage to face each new day and each new cycle. While IF is isolating at times, I never feel alone. And while the future is unknown, I never feel scared. And in my heart, it feels as if as someone is always holding my hand each step of the way. And for that, I am so thankful.