IUI#4 Tomorrow, Etc Etc

Why couldnt it have been scheduled for today? I was so looking forward to it being this weekend so I could spend the rest of the day on the couch. Nope, I’ll be rushing back to work for an 11am meeting, hopefully not sloshing all the eggs and sperm around with each step I take. Maybe it’s just as well that I dont think and obsesses about it all day long. It will probably be good to have some distraction since I have been playing mind games with myself during this cycle. I haven’t been totally emotionally invested in it, which makes me think it might end up working, which makes me think it wont.  This should be a fun 2ww!

I don’t know if it’s because it’s been raining non-stop here for 24 hours, but I can feel the blues creeping their way in. I did take  my Ovidril shot last night so Im assuming there are some side effects from that. I knew that my resiliency the past few weeks wouldn’t last forever. It didnt even bother me when my Korean Dry Cleaner looked at my stomach the other day and said “Baby?”. He has been waiting for me to get pregnant ever since I got married 2 1/2 years ago. Since he is adorable and good intentioned, and because I was wearing an unflattering shirt that day–I brushed it off. Then I was totally fine when one of my BF’s from college had her baby . She had a high risk pregnancy and had lost her first pregnancy at 4 months, so I was too happy for her to feel sorry for myself. She is one of those thoughtful, selfless friends who, as she laid there in her hospital bed holding her new baby just hours after a c-section, took time to ask how I was doing with all the treatments. She also told me that I will be the best mom in the world. I knew I had to divert the attention back to her to avoid a breakdown, but it was sweet of her to mention.  She’s good like that.

It is frustrating that because our sadness in IF is about something we dont actually have, it is somehow less real. Unfortunately for me this year has been a fucking baby boom amongst my friends, but fortunately they have been amazingly supportive. There is though the one who I have mentioned in recent posts who is missing a sensitivity chip. I understand that she is over the moon right now awaiting the arrival of her first child and I do share her joy deeply and truly. BUT, I also realized that she must not recognize my heartache as being as significant as her happiness, because my desire and need is not tangible. Because I never had anything to lose, miss or LOVE, I shouldnt have any REAL feelings about. Of course I know that you cannot compare the love of a child with anything else, but I just wish she could signify my experience.

Because she got pregnant accidently, she will never know what it really feels like to want a baby or the true natural instinct and need to be a mother. Her heart will always be whole and her identity will always be defined. Her life will always have purpose and her love is never-ending.  She will never know what it feels like to be incomplete and to have to go through every day life not only with a piece missing from her heart, but from her as a person and from her whole life.  She doesn’t understand that just because I dont know what it feels like to have a pregnancy, that I dont know love for my child. I do, it’s there. I’ve been waiting for him my whole life. It’s like each month I drive hours to the airport in a blizzard to greet him and he’s not there.  Each trip I take, I love him even more..


13 responses to “IUI#4 Tomorrow, Etc Etc

  1. “Each trip I take, I love him even more.” – love this. goosebumps.

    it sounds like you have a great network of friends, except for that one. i have a friend who got accidentally pregnant and all she did was complain about the pregancy. since the baby was born, she complains about not getting any sleep and how difficult it is. blah, blah, blah. sometimes people just don’t understand how luck they really are. HUGS!

    i know how hard it is to shrug off, but just remember: it will happen.

    good luck tomorrow. i’ll be thinking of you! out of my 4 IUIs, i rested at home for 2 of them and worked for 2 of them. i have to say that the ones i worked for, really helped the day pass. but it is nice to relax at home. don’t worry about sloshing. if it were an issue, doctors woudl put us on bedrest, right?

  2. Yah, people who get pregnant accidentally often don’t recognize the gift they’ve been given. My best friend from college is the same way- had a honeymoon baby that was definitely NOT, oh what would you say, particularly wanted, and ever since he was born, my friend and her husband have alot of complaints about being parents so fast. (WAH, WAH, right?) I think we all have at least one friend like that!

    I will be praying for your IUI today!! Still have about a week to find out if ours worked 😉 And heck, maybe if they’re sloshed around a little, they’ll bump into each other more easily!! Hehe!

  3. wow. you have totally summed up how I feel.

  4. Here from Kirsty. Love your last paragraph…that’s pretty much EXACTLY how I felt going through treatments. I’m guessing you are near the end of your 2ww now….good luck!

  5. Thank you.
    The last paragraph had me in tears.
    I found out on sunday that not only am I definatly not pregnant this cycle (“Hi AF!”), but that a friend of ours IS. They’ve been married just over a year now, and if they’ve been ‘trying’, it has only been for a month or two. Part of me is indeed happy for them, but that phone call broke another piece off of my heart, it feels like.

  6. That is so true, we started loving our babies and sacrificing for them a long time ago.

  7. Wow, you’re post really touched me. My husband and I are going through our first IUI this month. I needed your post. I’m so afraid of needles and for the last month I’ve been dreading this whole process.

    But you’re right. If I knew my baby was waiting for me — I would drive through a blizzard to pick him up! And, of course that means that I will endure the pain of shots and blood draws to get him here as well!

    I wish you the best of luck in your baby journey.

  8. What a beautiful metaphor. Having literally driven through blizzards to get to the RE for IF treatments that didn’t work, your metaphor resonates even more for me.

    Best of luck with this cycle and everything else.

  9. The last paragraph is amazingly touching!!!!

  10. Oh, wow. You said it, just right- that’s exactly how it is. Beautiful post. Thank you.

    Best wished on your cycle. I hope this drive, this time, is the one (*hugs*)

  11. Popped over from the Crème de la Crème list.

    People who haven’t been there will never fully understand. I’ve learned that the hard way. What I’m trying to learn is to accept support in the form in which it is offered, even if it doesn’t always come across well.

    The people that don’t even try to understand, for whatever reason, I’ve given myself permission to take my distance.

    Best of luck!

  12. Here from Creme de la Creme…

    Your post made me cry. Literally sitting at my desk in tears…I love your analogy of the airport and the blizzard. “Each trip I take, I love him even more”…that will stay with me today.


  13. Here from Creme, and WOW… I’m so glad I read this! Coming out of 2 weeks in Hades over pregnancy @ work, that I was only informed of when she lost the baby, in a series of texts. Yesterday was my first tear-free day. Thanks for this post!

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