Why couldnt it have been scheduled for today? I was so looking forward to it being this weekend so I could spend the rest of the day on the couch. Nope, I’ll be rushing back to work for an 11am meeting, hopefully not sloshing all the eggs and sperm around with each step I take. Maybe it’s just as well that I dont think and obsesses about it all day long. It will probably be good to have some distraction since I have been playing mind games with myself during this cycle. I haven’t been totally emotionally invested in it, which makes me think it might end up working, which makes me think it wont. This should be a fun 2ww!
I don’t know if it’s because it’s been raining non-stop here for 24 hours, but I can feel the blues creeping their way in. I did take my Ovidril shot last night so Im assuming there are some side effects from that. I knew that my resiliency the past few weeks wouldn’t last forever. It didnt even bother me when my Korean Dry Cleaner looked at my stomach the other day and said “Baby?”. He has been waiting for me to get pregnant ever since I got married 2 1/2 years ago. Since he is adorable and good intentioned, and because I was wearing an unflattering shirt that day–I brushed it off. Then I was totally fine when one of my BF’s from college had her baby . She had a high risk pregnancy and had lost her first pregnancy at 4 months, so I was too happy for her to feel sorry for myself. She is one of those thoughtful, selfless friends who, as she laid there in her hospital bed holding her new baby just hours after a c-section, took time to ask how I was doing with all the treatments. She also told me that I will be the best mom in the world. I knew I had to divert the attention back to her to avoid a breakdown, but it was sweet of her to mention. She’s good like that.
It is frustrating that because our sadness in IF is about something we dont actually have, it is somehow less real. Unfortunately for me this year has been a fucking baby boom amongst my friends, but fortunately they have been amazingly supportive. There is though the one who I have mentioned in recent posts who is missing a sensitivity chip. I understand that she is over the moon right now awaiting the arrival of her first child and I do share her joy deeply and truly. BUT, I also realized that she must not recognize my heartache as being as significant as her happiness, because my desire and need is not tangible. Because I never had anything to lose, miss or LOVE, I shouldnt have any REAL feelings about. Of course I know that you cannot compare the love of a child with anything else, but I just wish she could signify my experience.
Because she got pregnant accidently, she will never know what it really feels like to want a baby or the true natural instinct and need to be a mother. Her heart will always be whole and her identity will always be defined. Her life will always have purpose and her love is never-ending. She will never know what it feels like to be incomplete and to have to go through every day life not only with a piece missing from her heart, but from her as a person and from her whole life. She doesn’t understand that just because I dont know what it feels like to have a pregnancy, that I dont know love for my child. I do, it’s there. I’ve been waiting for him my whole life. It’s like each month I drive hours to the airport in a blizzard to greet him and he’s not there. Each trip I take, I love him even more..