Too much Time to Ponder Time

So much about enduring IF treatments is waiting. God did an outstanding job at creating us women but unfortunately did a poor job at the whole 28 day cycle thing. This long ass cycle might mean nothing to the lucky fertile but for us it means waiting weeks and weeks between treatments, and god forbid you have to skip one…there goes two months down the drain. This idle time can only be spent trying to live a normal life and trying not to think, worry, or analyze yourself to death.  It is beyond frustrating.  I realized the other day that not only has IF affected my life, but it has also indirectly affected my parents lives. They are in their early 60’s and are thankfully healthy at the moment, but certainly will not be forever. My Dad has been a smoker on and off for pretty much his whole life and I have always been terrified of him getting cancer.  It is just so sad to me that my fucked up fertility issues are robbing my parents time with their grandchildren. 

On another note, I was thankfully able to get an IVF consult appt with my RE this Thursday. I had them put me on a waiting list and fortunately it worked out. The less waiting the better!   I just want to put this plan into place so that if IUI#4 is a bust and can move forward immediately. Onward and Upward!

I am realizing that looking ahead is the best way of dealing with this and so many other issues in life. I’ll never forget some simple words of advice my Dad gave me 15 years ago as we were driving away in a packed car headed for college my freshmen year.  Our house had just been sold so I knew I would never return to life as I knew it.  I was leaving my youth in a sense and life would never be the same.  After I had just tearfully said goodbye to my mother and sobbed as we drove away from the house, my Dad simply told me, “Don’t look back, Julie. Don’t look back.”  These are very simple words but it was some of the best advice Ive ever received.  My family and I had also endured a few major painful experiences through the years so it was an especially poignant statement.  In a way it means hitting the “reset” button on your life and starting from scratch. Dwelling on disappointments of the past can only make you more frustrated , cynical and can make you lose hope.  And while it’s easier said than done, Im going to try not to look back at the this past year + of BFNs.  Im going to try to focus more on all the opportunities that lie ahead. ( Note to self: Dispose of the medical waste container under the kitchen sink filled with used gonal f injection needles…!)


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