So AF decided to come for a visit last night as I was passing out Halloween candy to all the adorable neighborhood munchkins. It was a week early, which is just as well since it eases another week of anxiety and false hope, and also just enables me to get started on the next cycle sooner. Hell, Im not getting any younger over here. I had been having a fine night up until AF’s arrival. I had made a delicious lasagna for the family and enjoyed taking pictures of our little nieces and nephew (ages 1-5) as they excitedly and awkwardly trudged around in their costumes. But after I realized that I had yet again another failure (and that I had to get a tampon from my sister in law), I was just annoyed and tired of the whole night. I didn’t care that I was answering the door and handing out candy with my glass of wine in hand. It was possible that some parents were offended by this but if they knew, they might understand. If they knew that I didnt WANT to be the childless aunt, boozing it up and passing out candy to other people’s kids, and that I too wanted to have my own little baby Lady Bug in a Bjorn, and a little Darth Vader to hold my and Daddy’s hand. They would then understand that I needed that wine and that I was in fact a real trooper for even participating. Oh well. A few glasses of wine and 4 Kit Kats later, it was thankfully all over.
Now I am back to my world of the cycle calendar-CD1. Im at least glad that I’ll get in an IUI before Thanksgiving and that I wont have to miss any out-of-state family gatherings because of it. I’m disappointed that this month was a failure, but I knew it would be for some reason all along. In fact, I didnt even try that hard for some reason. I didnt even bother buying OPK’s since I didn’t feel like spending $40 and figured I would just wing it. What is it about human nature that makes us complain about the circumstances but not do enough to change them? It’s just like how I complain that Im not skinny or fit enough, but continue to skip the gym and stuff my face with mini snickers bars. I should have been trying full court press this month but instead I just rebelled. I said “fuck you infertilty, I dont have the time or fucking energy to deal with you right now”. I did what so many (fertile) people tell you to do but not what any RE would advise….which was just relax, have sex a few times when you think you’re ovulating and hope that –god forbid–your body will cooperate. No such luck.
Well I guess it’s back to the meds this week. I wish I could just hit fast forward for the next few months….so I wouldnt have to deal with the holidays and my hectic job with hormones coming out of my ears and emotions causing me to cry on my turkey. But then again, as I said in a recent post, I wont let this Bitch named IF cause me to waste a minute of my life. OK. maybe a few, but that’s it.