I survived the whirlwind weekend away at the baby shower and visits with two friends ready to give birth at any moment and two other friends with new babies. Thank the Lord that I was at THE perfect point in my cycle (just post ovulation) and was fertility hormone free–because I made it through without any tears! Actually, the hard part was not being around the pregos or the babies. Since I don’t see my oldest and best friends very often, seeing their babies and pregnant bellies was adorable and joyous. It was like I was completely removed from my own IF debbie downer-dom. Kind of like when I was single in my 20’s, picturing myself as a bride was hilarious and was so far from my reality at that point. This weekend I was Auntie Julie who was nervous carrying the new baby upstairs and didn’t know you had to stop feeding the baby mid-bottle to give her a burp. Diaper change? No thanks! Cranky? Go back to Mommy! The baby mania was as happy and cute as can be but weirdly my maternal instincts were kept at bay. I was enjoying my wine and being able to enjoy my meal without interruptions. (Hmm, maybe Im really not cut out for this mom stuff after all?)
The hardest part was talking about my IF Status, having to rehash the past year and worst, the past few months. Just saying it made me sad for myself–3 failed IUI’s. Probably moving on to IN VITRO. It sounds so awful. Summarizing it made it feel so powerful and real, and describing the details to people who know me so well and care about me so much was heartbreaking for me and them. There were questions about the process and procedures. “Yes, nightly injections, catheters, polyp surgery…. BFN BFN BFN……. IVF is where they retrieve your eggs and then fertilize them in a petri dish….. No, the risk for multiples is lower in IVF than IUI…… I dont know what the problem is, it’s “unexplained”….
As difficult as it was, it was also very comforting to feel their support and love. Without a doubt they all supported IVF for the next step. It felt good to have this reassurance because for some reason I feel guilty going through this procedure. I was reminded that just because it isn’t how it is “supposed to be” doesn’t mean it isn’t right or wont give me the same beautiful child I might have had naturally. One new mom friend I was with was recently divorced and had just moved in with her boyfriend when she got pregnant. Not how things are “supposed to be” but they could not be happier. It made me feel better about taking drastic measures and going the non-traditional route. Seeing old friends is so very good for the soul..and i needed a good soul boost.