I went to church today. It was the first time in about 15 years that Ive gone voluntarily without it being Easter, a wedding or funeral. I had been meaning to go for some time now, thinking that since eventually Id want to get my child baptized, I had better find a nice local church and start to actually show my face there. But actually, I went today not looking for a church membership, but because I needed to pray for strength and for the blessing of a child. Crying and complaining arent going to get me anywhere. I need a sense of peace, spirituality.. and that there is something out there bigger than me.
I sat down in a pew towards the back, trying to look inconspicuous. I didnt want to look like the new girl, or the person who has forgotten the words to songs and prayers. At first I thought, what the F am I doing here? I should be at the gym or home cleaning my house. I read through the program for the day’s service and it seemed long but I told myself to relax and give it a chance. Im glad I did, because the day’s sermon just happened to be about faith. There is something about church that does make me teary eyed and i dont know if it’s nostalgia or because it makes me feel close to family that I’ve lost. Today it was both of those things combined with hormones, infertility frustration and possible PMS. Let’s just say I was glad I had tissues since i had more than a few tears streaming down my face. The minister talked about what it means to have faith, and that it really means to BELIEVE. Faith not only gives you hope, but it gives you power. He also referenced the story of Abraham and Sarah, which tells of a barren woman finally being blessed with children. Funny that he would mention this on this random day.
OK, so I left a little early since it was going over an hour and I was hungry. I have to admit though that I feel better now and that I will return. I realized that my prayers for a baby were actually very brief. I found myself praying more for my husband, parents, sister and friends. I am reminded that I am not the only one suffering or struggling, and that I have to believe that this is going to happen. I have always known in my heart and soul that it was in God’s plan for me to be a mom. So for now, no matter how sad, disappointed and heartbroken I might be, Im going to try harder to be patient and have faith that my time WILL come…..