Waiting and More Waiting

Waiting for another call from the doctor. The ultrasound this morning was positive and exciting–showing a large amount of follicles. The technician was different from yesterday and much friendlier. We chatted about the weather and how we enjoy seat warmers in our cars. It’s always nice to have pleasant small talk to distract you from the awkwardness of her shoving the jelly covered wand up your wahoo and then pushing it around for 5 minutes looking at your ovaries. She said she thought it looked like I had too many follicles for an IUI and that they would possibly convert the cycle into an IVF. Yikes. I wanted to cry when she said this because it was both scary and thrilling to imagine having an IVF right now. The chances of a successful pregnancy are much higher, but at the same time it would the last stop. If IVF doesn’t work- we’ll  really be that depressing couple who cant have kids. After the first couple months of “trying” I had joked about being that pathetic, sad infertile woman who looks longingly at the baby items in the grocery store and who desperately travels to Russia to adopt a 6-year-old. Now that I am faced with this reality it’s not so funny anymore.

The other option right now would be to just cancel the cycle to reduce the chance of multiples. As much as IVF is scary and extreme, I would rather just go for it than wait another long, unsuccessful and depressing month to start over again. Admittedly, I know how lucky I am to even have these options and feel somewhat guilty about it. I look at IVF as a luxury of sorts, an extremely expensive mechanism to get pregnant using the best medical technology available in the world. Not to mention the fact that growing up Catholic has made me feel guilty about taking these non-traditional steps to conceive. Ethically, is it the right thing to do? I know couples try for years before even considering taking these drastic measures and then cannot afford them even if they wanted to. And then there is me, living in a state where insurance foots the bill. I dont even know how much it costs, 10K, 12K? It feels decadant..and almost like cheating a little bit.

But actually, I know Im not cheating. Ive done everything right. I fell in love with the right guy and was careful not to get pregnant during the 7 years of sleeping together pre-marriage. We waited another year after just to make sure we were ready– emotionally and financially. We wanted to be the best parents we could be and to have the best environment possible for our baby. Ever since then Ive been charting my cycle, taking my temperature, taking ovulation tests and having lots of sex.. even on nights when I was exhausted and in a bad mood, just because I was ovulating. Then it was the painful fertility evaluations,the polypectomy, 7:00 am ultrsasounds&blood draws, nightly hormone injections and 2 failed IUIs.  The waiting, hoping and hurting..again and again.  I’ve done more for a baby than most, although there are so many more women going through more. While it’s not about “earning” anything or being self righteous…. I just know I deserve this.

I feel like a single girl right now waiting for a guy to call as I keep checking my phone to make sure the ringer is on and the battery is still charged…..


One response to “Waiting and More Waiting

  1. wow, you made me change how i perceive IVF. i’m about to have my 3rd IUI this week too and i am getting really anxious about it working. i think i need to see IVF as farther off than i’ve been imagining it. there’s only 20% chance with each IUI but, it’s way less invasive (and less expensive; no insurance for me). i will keep focused positively on IUI for a bit, so thank you!

    good luck with either path! i’ll be following along to see what you decide!

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