Im waiting for the call. Each time I go for bloodwork and ultrasound the nurse calls me that afternoon to report what my estrogen levels are, how many follicles I have and what size. They changed my medication this month to Gonal-F injectibles so Im hoping that the report is positive. Supposedly this medication is stronger and is what is used to create lots of eggs for IVF retrievals, although that they need much less follicles for an IUI than an IVF. I reminded myself of this after the unfriendly ultrasound technician told me this morning that she’s “certainly seen a lot more” after I asked her if the number of follicles looked good.
In a nutshell: I have unexplained Infertility. Trying for a little over a year. Had surgery to have polyps removed. 3rd IUI next week. I know that the odds are on my side at this point: we have just begun treatment and I am under 35. But it is still very difficult not knowing why this is happening and if I will ever be pregnant. Not being able to get pregnant..all of a sudden it’s a real thing that I cant laugh off anymore. This has become a significant part of me, my marriage and my journey into motherhood. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of being a mom and knew it was the most important thing you could ever do and that it would be my primary purpose in life. I never even considered this not being an option.
This past year has felt like limbo….a year in between. Im post the exploratory phase of my 20’s and the carefree newlywed phase. Im ready for the next phase but cant reach it. I’ve been telling myself to enjoy the freedom, sleep in, stay out late and to enjoy romantic evenings with my husband. Ive been trying to savour all of these pleasures knowing that they are fleeting, but the novelty isnt there. At 33, I look back at my teens and twenties and feel satisfied that they were lived with a free spirit, countless wild nights full of adventure. My husband and I have also enjoyed countless nights filled with spontaneity and passion. Now Ive turned the corner. Im ready for the wonder, sacrifice, life alteration, exhaustion and unexplainable love. My child free existence is not eccentric or fabulous. Its more like a lay over between flights that turns into Groundhog Day. It’s being on the edge of life, going around and around in a revolving door but never finding a way out to enter your destination.