IVF #2 (For Baby #2)

I had high hopes for this cycle. We tried a different protocol. We successfully retrieved 16 eggs and 11 of them fertilized. Transfer day was Mother’s Day… happy thoughts and high hopes all around!

Those ended as soon as the doctor walked in as I sat bottomless in the cold, dim transfer room. I was able to peer down on his paper before he started his schpele and saw the 2 embryos listed: 4BF and 4BF. WTF??!!!

Nothing left to freeze.

What happened?? Am I really here again? Yes, I did get pregnant before from a 4 cell embryo but I feel like we hit the lottery on that cycle. Im not sure what the chances are that we will hit the lottery twice.

My husband doesn’t understand my sadness. He thinks I should be looking at the positive side of things. Yes, we did transfer 2 embryos and I could end up  pregnant. Yes, we do have a beautiful baby girl who amazes us every day and has captured out hearts.

But, it STILL HURTS. I still feel like a failure and like my life has been derailed. Im not ready to give away the baby clothes and crib. I have saved my bjorn and breast pump and intend to use them again. I have a “Big Sister” Tshirt for Lily  to wear for when we make the big announcement. My family is not yet complete.

God whispered to me when I was very young and he told me that I was going to have children...(plural).  He told me this. I have always known it in my heart and have looked forward to it my entire life. So when do I stop trying?

 

Sunshine

I found myself breaking down in tears this morning at 3am as I rocked Lily back to sleep as we listed to a pretty version of “You are My Sunshine” on one of her many CD’s. These lyrics have always made me emotional, for those I love who are here, were here…. and are not here yet. 

The other night dear as I laid sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear I was mistaken and I hung my head and cry
You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies’re grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you please don’t take my sunshine away

5 weeks: It’s OVER

I started writing a post on Saturday about how everything was going fine and how excited I was to be putting this infertility bullshit behind me. I also wrote about still having fear that something was going to go wrong, and also some weird feelings of sadness of knowing this would definitely me my last and final pregnancy. I never finished the post.

On Sunday morning I woke up to see blood clots in the toilet. I rushed in for a beta test and had to wait around all day to get the results that the beta #s were not as high as they should be and that I should come back on Tuesday for another blood test. Really?! So you want me to go along with my normal routine thinking I am still pregnant?! I basically asked the nurse to please just rip off the fucking band-aid and tell me that this is fucking over and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. She told me to prepare for the worst. So. Fucking. Awesome.

So my Christmas IVF was a total bust. The only 3 “good” embryos were actually no good after all. I am in disbelief.

And now we start over. It’s beginning to feel like a way of life now. But the hardest part is not the process of IVF. It’s not the needles, medications and endless doctor’s visits. That part is easy in comparison. The truly heart-wrenching , exhausting, miserable and terrifying part of this is the unknown. You have no idea if any of it is going to work. There are no guarantees. And in the meantime, your friends get pregnant with their 2nd and 3rd babies. You might put your career on hold, because who wants to start a new job with more responsibilities when you are an emotional and physical wreck?  You save the baby clothes and maternity clothes and you wait. You wait and you hope.

I look ahead at 2012 and wonder what it has in store. IVF#3, IVF #4, IVF#5? Will I turn into a joyful mother of two, or a heartbroken mother who didn’t have the chance to have a second child because her body failed her?

In the end, we have Lily who is perfect. I am already joyful. She brings us more joy than we ever could have imagined and I would always consider myself blessed to have her as my only baby.

I would be OK with one. I would just like the power to decide.

Two Lines!! (Unromanticized)

I heard a story on the radio last month on Valentines Day, about a woman who wrapped up a positive pregnancy test and gave it to her husband as a gift. I thought that was really sweet, but knew I could never do it. A positive pregnancy test to me is just that, a positive (at home) result.  There are so many things that could go wrong at this point and the fear of not being able to get pregnant (again) is too great. 

This morning, I got a positive result and wish so badly that I could celebrate. I thought about taking a picture of the test and texting it to my husband, but didn’t want to get his hopes up. 

OK, Im excited. We’ll see what the blood test says!

 

Project Baby #2

…in IVF land is a complicated thing.

On one hand, this should be a cake walk. I’ve gone through the motions. I know the drill. I know that I CAN get pregnant. And the stakes shouldn’t  be as high since I already have a healthy, happy beautiful baby. Right? So basically, if it does not work out we can shrug our shoulders and say, “oh well”,  and then go out for ice cream.

As much I as I would like to say that and mean it, I can’t. It still hurts. My heart is full of love for my daughter and I don’t take for granted for a second the fact that I have been given such a precious gift. She is a miracle. But I guess I must be a selfish person because I think I deserve another one. If most people can decide to reproduce on a wimb, or in the midst of passion, or to try for a specific sex,,,, why should I feel guilty for desiring one more? If the fucking Duggers can have 20 kids why can’t I have TWO? Why do I have to feel guilty for that, just because I am in IVF land?

Before I had Lily I felt a huge void in my life and in my heart that only a child could fill. It’s not as big, but it’s still there. Before I got pregnant with Lily I was on the ledge, and she saved me. She saved me from drowning in such deep sorrow and from losing my sense of purpose. So now, I am whole. I am basking in  this sweet, perfect love but my biological/maternal instincts are making me crave more. More for me, but also for my whole family.

If I had read this post pre-pregnancy I would have hated me. I would have been sickened by my selfishness and ungratefulness. I would have thought that I was fucking nuts and would wonder why I couldn’t just be satisfied with one baby, given that so many never even get to experience that.  I can hear it in some friends’ voices as I tell them what I’ve been going through each week with the needles, medications, doctor’s visits, etc. They’ll never say it, but I know they think Im nuts and maybe a bit obsessed.

But Im not obsessed. Im 36 and I am infertile. The only way I can potentially get pregnant is through medical intervention. It requires months and months of preparation, planning, waiting, probing, medicating, more medicating, more waiting, testing, failing and then doing it all over again. So for all of you well meaning fertile friends,  do NOT tell me to fucking relax. Do NOT tell me not to rush it. And do NOT tell me that maybe I should just be happy with one. Because YOU are in control of your reproductive systems and can choose to fulfill or not to fulfill all of your maternal desires . I am not so lucky.

Transfer Day (posted a week later..)

Wow. I had  2 embryos transferred today. One 8 cell Grade B and one 4 cell grade B. I was so relieved to know that they survived the thaw this morning, and was so nervous that the doctor was going to tell me upon arrival and that the embryos had spontaneously arrested and that I could turn around and go home with an empty uterus.

I am  more nervous than excited. I won’t let myself be too excited because unfortunately I feel defeated and jaded after our BFN last month.  Even though I was blessed enough to have my first IVF result in a successful pregnancy,  I still feel scared and depressed as I go through this process. I’m not thinking about baby names or decorating a nursery. I just feel the dark, heaviness of infertility creeping its way back into my life.

I remember looking at a picture in a magazine many years ago of a stunningly beautiful woman, lying down as her 3 young boys surrounded her. They were crawling on her like  little cubs. You could tell how much they loved her, and how deeply happy she was. I wanted that. I wanted to be the Mama Lion surrounded by my babies,  feeling their warmth and showering them with my love and protection. I hate that I might not have that. I know how lucky I am to have my one precious, perfect cub. But there is room in our den for one more, and more than enough room in our hearts

Back in the Saddle

Wow, it’s been a while. Oh, how I have missed writing, reading and commiserating with all of you! Unfortunately I just have not had much free time to write this past year. Along with the arrival of Baby Lily, we moved farther away from my job so my commute is between 2 1/2 -3 hours a day. It’s been pretty freaking crazy but I really can’t complain since Lily is here and she is amazing.

So amazing, in fact that we decided to try for another. We tried another IVF cycle in December. I took a leap of faith and went for it, even though I knew that it would make me a crazy person over Christmas. I went in on Christmas morning for the retrieval. 16 eggs! 3 days later they transferred a single 8 cell grade A embryo. 2 weeks later we found out it was a BFN. It was NOT a Christmas miracle.

We did end up with two frosties which we will transfer on 2/21. Im taking estrogen now and it is kicking my fucking ass. Speaking of ass, I also have to take shots of progesterone in my ass starting in a few days. I thought the FET prep was going to be easier! So far, not so much.

It is different this time around. Obviously I don’t have time to analyze every step and think about it 24/7. So, in that sense it is better because Im so busy with Lily that I can’t sit around being a Debbie Downer all day. Thankfully Lily decided to take a nice 2+ hour nap on the day I found out the IVF was a BFN. I laid in bed and cried my eyes out. But when she was up, it was over. I had to be strong for her.

It is different now. Lily is my miracle and my ultimate joy. I still am in disbelief that she is here and that she is mine. Life is so filled with details, so it is easy to get caught up in the constant every day planning ,and to forget to soak in the blessings in our lives. Even after 16 months, and after taking her on multiple vacations, having her Christened and celebrating her 1st Birthday, I still second guess myself when I say, “my daughter..”, because it is still so hard to believe it’s true.

Infertility is still real though and it is still fucking up my life. The process I am going through now makes me physically, mentally and emotionally weak- which affects my abilities to be the best mom to Lily. She deserves a sibling. She deserves someone who will be there for her , always. Someone to share a childhood with, life with and a future with.

In my heart, I really feel like there is another little soul floating out there, waiting to find life in me and with our family. I am positive and hopeful, but still scared.