A New Year…A New Beginning

Happy New Year! I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. These last few months have been very eventful to say the least. Lily is now 13 weeks and is such a joy. Being a mommy to her is definitely the best job I have ever had and the most rewarding. Honestly, it is hard to sum up new parenthood in few words. It goes without saying that she is my life, my heart and darn right adorable. We have been blessed with a healthy, good and happy baby and I feel like I have hit the lottery. I do have more thoughts on parenthood that I plan to elaborate on in future posts but for now I’ll just share some entertaining details about my life.

Overall, my time with Lily has been great, but it certainly could have been better if not for the shit-show that was my maternity leave. Let’s itemize the crap for a brief summary:

• A few weeks before my due date, we moved into our new home which we were buying from my Mother-in-Law. She was still living here, but it made sense to “overlap” residences since our old house sold so quickly and we were both scheduled to close on our new mortgages in a few short weeks. Due to several stupid closing complications, those 3 weeks turned into 3 MONTHS. Yes, you read that correctly. We had been living with my Mother in Law from September 6th until Dec 10th. Most of my friends can barely stand their MIL’s for a weekend, let alone 3 months..with a newborn! My MIL is also a compulsive talker, which only made for a more exhausting and stressful living experience. I feel like I could have created a blog devoted to that living situation alone.
• When Lily was 2 weeks old, DH had to have emergency back surgery. He had two bulging discs which were causing pressure on his sciatic nerve-and he could barely walk, let alone drive. I know it wasn’t his fault, but I had very little sympathy for him. To top it off, MIL was more annoying than helpful. Fucking nightmare. At that point I seriously thought I was being Punked.
• I was also having major difficulty breastfeeding. Lily was chomping away on my nipples and the pain was excruciating. I tried special healing creme (Apno) and then started using nipple guards. These caused even more problems because baby would just suck on the guard without getting enough milk. I didn’t realize this until her 2nd weight check when she hadn’t gained any weight. Cue the tears, guilt and devastation. I became good friends with formula and my breast pump after that. (*She is now in the 75th percentile for size..yippee!)
• Throughout all of this ridiculousness, the health of our long time companion and family member, Timber , was plummeting. He was unable to walk upstairs and was slowly wasting away. Finally, 2 weeks before Christmas, we had to say goodbye. It was so heartbreaking to lose such a loyal and loving pet, but at the same time it was a huge relief to know that he was no longer in pain.

It has been quite the whirlwind!  I didn’t think I could handle the stress of the holidays after all of that but we ended up having such a special Christmas with Lily. Right now, I am just so ready to start this new year with a new beginning. I’ll be starting my new life as a working mom, in our new (pet-free) home. Our new family.  I am really looking forward to enjoying my time with Lily without all of the craziness.

Despite it all though, 2010 was still my best year yet.

Next Post: Thoughts on motherhood, Working, etc

 

My Sweet Lily

She’s here! We welcomed Lily into the world on Saturday, Oct 2nd at 3pm. She is just perfect! It is totally surreal, amazing, wonderful and terrifying. I just cant believe that this precious little creature is mine! Or how much your life can change in a matter of days.  All of a sudden I am a proud and worried mommy, and so many things that mattered before don’t anymore. It scares me at how much I love this baby and how much she has a hold of my heart.

As far as labors go, mine was not that bad. I started feeling light cramping on Saturday morning and wasn’t even sure if I was even in labor. We decided to go to the hospital but stopped on the way so that DH could get a hair cut! I was giggling on the way to the hospital and thought that they might send me home since I wasn’t in too much pain. But the moment I stepped out of the car, my water broke and the contractions weren’t so funny anymore! Even though I was 10 centimeters dilated by the time I got to the labor room (!!), they still had time to administer an epidural.. thank god. (In Homer Simpson Voice: Mmmm… epidural…) I pushed for a total of 30 minutes and out she came! I didn’t cry like I thought I would. I couldn’t even believe my eyes, and couldn’t comprehend where she got a full head of dark hair!!?! (My husband and I were both light haired kids)

We did both cry on the way home from the hospital, so overcome with joy that we were were finally bringing our daughter home. I find myself tearing up at random moments because I just cannot believe that I really have been given this precious gift. For example, moments like at the doctor’s office when the nurses were making a big fuss over her, if she is looking especially cute, or whenever I try to sing “You Are My Sunshine” and cant get through the whole thing because Im so choked up.

So here I am.. awake at 3:30 in the morning, sitting and staring at my sleeping daughter, not caring that I probably wont be going back to bed until tomorrow night. It’s hard to let myself sleep because I feel like I should always be either feeding her, holding her or watching her. I just need to forget about the chores and my “to-do” list for a little while….and cherish every single second of being with this sweet, perfect little girl.

She is almost here!

I will be 40 weeks on Monday so am just about cooked! It is completely and utterly surreal. I have also been dilated at 3-4 cm for several weeks now, which puts us even more on edge than we would usually be. The baby’s room is ready, my bag is packed and I think I’ve got all of the “essential” products and materials stocked. Now all we need is a baby! I am using up my last free days of selfish time by relaxing, cooking, making trips to Target, getting my hair colored, toes pedicured and eyebrows waxed. Who knows when I will be able to get out to the spa again? My healthy eating habits have gone out the window over the past few weeks though, and I have been plowing through ice cream, cookies, etc with wild abandon. (It’s not fair that those of us who go to term or past term, naturally end up gaining more total weight than those who go earlier!) My total weight gain is creeping past my 35 lbs “max”, but since I feel good and baby is on track I’m not too worried. I’m ready to start taking some fall walks with the stroller as soon as we are feeling up to it.

Unfortunately, I have already used up one week of my maternity leave so hopefully she will arrive soon so I wont have to waste much more time.  I just couldn’t work right up to my due date being dilated for so long. The stress of possibly going into labor at work was too much for me and I also needed a break from the commute! Guess I am not one of those cool women of the millennium who work right up to their due dates. Kudos to them. I like the old-fashioned way of thinking… and just want to put my swollen feet up!

I am definitely feeling the baby’s larger size now as she is kicking, punching and squirming  around. As much as I have been in love with this belly and this pregnancy, I am ready to face the challenges ahead and meet this little person who I have been waiting all year for. Will she ever realize or understand just how loved, needed and wanted she is? She may, but not for a long time.

I feel like I am walking into a whole new world that I could never before comprehend and will never look back. Im ready. We’ve been through so much to get here and we’ve made it. Here we go…..

33 week Update

Here I am at 33 weeks pregnant. My latest goal is to make it to 34 weeks, which seems to be a safe time for delivery and when the vast majority of delivered babies “seem to do just fine with no long-term health issues.” The reality is still sinking in, as I feel her whole body shift and roll around inside me and I see her tiny limbs poke outside of my belly. I knew I would feel kicks, but had no idea that the movement would be this strong! I am so amazed at  this little creature and am so curious about what she will look like and what kind of person she will be.

Overall I feel great. Aside from a little anemia, swollen feet and uncomfortable sleep, the pregnancy has been pretty wonderful. (I must have already blocked out all of the nausea in my 1st trimester!) Since my weight was so f-ed up from IVF I don’t know for sure how much I have gained, but I guess I am about 30 pounds above my normal weight. I am using the excuse of undiagnosed anemia and RECORD BREAKING heat for my lack of exercise. It’s hard enough to make it up a flight of stairs with a laundry basket let alone survive  a 2-3 mile walk in 90 degree heat. My face and ass have not blown up thank goodness, but my ankles have disappeared! I wear flip-flops to work every day and I cannot stuff these swollen size 10′s in any of my cute heels OR flats.

We just accepted an offer on our house and I am trying to keep the stress level to a minimum. I still need to schedule the delivery of the nursery furniture, line up day care and find a pediatrician but cannot do this until we get this damn P&S contract signed. We are buying my MIL’s house and she still has not found a new place. Once again, I am taking deep breaths and trying not to get stressed out about the prospect of living with the MIL AND all of her stuff for a while. I decided that all I need is an organized and peaceful space for baby. Our stuff can be sorted out later.

After much indecisiveness, we decided to take the one day child-birth class. I had heard conflicting opinions about these classes but figured that we might as well go since we are pretty clueless first time parents. I am really glad we went because our teacher was amazing and I left with a great sense of confidence and excitement. She wasn’t biased towards “natural” delivery , was very informative about the labor process and also had a good sense of humor. My eyes welled up as she described the delivery and the moment when they put your baby on your chest. I still cant believe this is all really happening.

I can feel myself changing. My existence of daughter, wife and sister is already shifting to a much bigger role: mother.  I can also see the shift in my husband as he drives 30 minutes after work to our new house to strip wall paper, paint and prepare a room for his daughter. I washed my first load of baby clothes in Dreft  and carefully folded each little item while picturing her in each one. Already, we just want to protect this little baby and keep her clean, safe and warm.

Even as we approach and reach all of these milestones and go through the motions of preparation, it is all still so surreal.  I wake up every morning a little surprised at this belly and in disbelief that I have been given this gift.  It feels like I am dreaming or living someone else’s life. The ride is still a scary one though, and I realize that it has only just begun.

Just Checking In…

Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post! The last 3 months have been the most joyous yet nerve-racking of my life.  Thankfully, my pregnancy has been progressing wonderfully and I am just about 26 weeks! Although I haven’t had any problems since my threatened miscarriage in February, I have still not been exactly relaxed  or carefree.   I did order an at home heart beat monitor which I used 1-2 times a week just for piece of mind.  I would panic at each ultrasound, so fearful that they would not be able to hear a heartbeat. I was too afraid to do much planning and couldn’t believe it when my sister-in-law wanted to start planning a shower last month.  My SIL is a one of those girls who can get knocked up just looking a her husband, so in my crazy infertile brain, I felt like she was being a little presumptuous and was going to jinx it. I just went along with all of the excitement of family and friends, when inside I was still in such disbelief and so afraid that this miracle inside me was going to be to taken away.

Lately though, ever since we found out that we are having a baby girl, and ever since I have started to feel her move around, I have truly been enjoying the reality and am treasuring each moment. OK, so I already have started baby clothes shopping. I just finally decided to go for it since this may be my only pregnancy and I might as well enjoy it. My little (Lily, Annabelle, Madeline??) punches and kicks me every day and I love every second of it. But the worry is still there.

Just this week while vacationing in Florida, I was sure that something was wrong because I wasnt feeling her move that much. I had been sitting by the pool in 90++ degree weather and was convinced that she was overheated. Stupid me didn’t realize how dangerous it is for a pregnant lady to be overheated or dehydrated since the baby is always around 1 degree hotter than mom and has no way of cooling off. I immediately moved into the A/C and contemplated going to the ER. I was in tears, feeling so irresponsible and selfish. Thankfully, I knew she was fine after I drank some OJ and laid down for a while. All she needed was a little sugar boost.

While the panic of losing the pregnancy has subsided, there is still so much more to panic about. It hit me really hard last night that I am responsible for this little baby’s life.  I was trying to lean over a table to plug in a lamp and couldn’t because my belly was in the way. I was being careful of my stomach by not leaning too much  but finally had to give up and call hubby for help. I sat there, feeling so helpless and terrified that I had just crushed my baby’s head on the table’s edge. I sat there in tears, holding my belly as the immense responsibility of motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks.  Can I do this? Am I going to be able to care for this baby? I can’t even plug a damn lamp in without feeling like I’m hurting her, how the hell am I going to care for this little one when she is here? Holy. Shit. The worry continues.

I’m honestly not sure where this blog will go from here, because I obviously have lost my blogger mojo and feel a little strange sometimes writing about the joys and fears of pregnancy on my infertility blog. I do know that I am still so interested in all of your stories and journeys and will continue to follow along with you. I will also post updates here and there, because writing and sharing always helps to put things into perspective.

Almost Out of the Woods!

I can’t believe how close I am to being out of my first trimester. On Monday I will 11 weeks! It’s hard to believe.

Our trip to Grand Cayman was amazing and much needed! It was so great to escape the cold weather, feel my toes in the sand and just relax. I read a couple books and was able to “just be” for a little while. Although, I must say that I know now why it is not recommended to travel in your first trimester, especially if you are experiencing morning sickness (A.K.A Morning/Noon/Night Sickness). Umm, hello, turbulence!!! This turbulent flight did not bode well for me and I ended up running to the (thankfully) vacant plane lavatory and vomiting in the pathetic, gross, silver toilet. Blue toilet water splashed in my face and stained my white linen jacket. This was while my dear husband was back in his seat enjoying a few cocktails. So not fair.

Eating out is one of my all time favorite things to do (especially on vacation!) and I love trying new foods. But but choosing a safe entree these days has been a very challenging task. A made an early mistake of sucking down a seemingly innocent virgin strawberry daiquiri, only to run to the bathroom to throw my guts up 5 minutes later. Must have been the sugar (?).  While I normally would have been enjoying fresh fish, fruits, vegetables and chicken dishes—I instead ordered a burger and fries almost every night!  Am I already failing as a mother? I really want to nourish myself and growing baby with more nutrients but can only seem to eat things that are white and generally not healthy.

Last night I stopped at Whole Foods to grab something for dinner. (Cooking anything other than boxed macaroni and cheese lately just isn’t an option.) I staggered through the aisles so exhausted from the trip and the work week with barely any energy to carry a basket around. I picked up a roasted chicken and fresh bread for hubby. Because chicken has been grossing me out, I decided to peruse the dreamy salad/prepared foods bar. My mind and heart were pulling me towards the vegetables but my sour stomach pulled me towards the pasta, and then the fried foods section. On top of the pasta I added 4 big french fries and a few onion rings. Im so sorry little baby. I promise to feed you better soon!

9 week ultrasound

Wow, another huge milestone has passed! I had my very first OBGYN appt this morning and got to see my little gummy bear’s heartbeat on the ultrasound. Sweet relief! I had been getting very nervous because all of a sudden last week my boobs stopped hurting.  Google was not my friend in this situation because with “loss of symptoms” comes miscarriage. Since I was still nauseous I felt a little reassured but then read somewhere on an evil website that “sometimes hormones continue to cause symptoms even after the heartbeat has stopped”. OK, I really need to stop with the googling!!

I must say though that the OB ultrasound was not nearly as fun as ultrasounds at my R.E’s office. The ultrasound tech was a total biatch. I thought I was at the freaken RMV with the attitude she was giving me. She was not happy with me that I didn’t remember exactly when my LMP was. Sorry, lady but it doesn’t matter!? Have you ever heard of Lupron, egg retrievals or embryo transfers?  Well they completely negate your good old LMP. I was totally wrong when  I thought I would get some extra love being an IVF patient. No love, just attitude.

It’s OK though because the most important thing was seeing that heartbeat. It was my first jelly belly ultrasound which also felt very “real pregnant person like.” The heartbeat was 158 bpm which is very good. My husband and I were thrilled.

More good news to share. It turns out that not everyone in my OB Office has an attitude. The OB herself is amazing AND the nurse told me that I can come in anytime to hear the heartbeat on the doppler!!! Heaven to an infertile’s ears!  I just know I will become an addict!

So now I am off to sit on the beach on Grand Cayman for 6 days. This trip could not have come at a better time. I need to escape this raw cold weather, soak in some sun and soak all of this in….  Virgin Pina Colada in hand…

Awards

Happy weekend! I am so honored to be the recipient of 4 blogger awards! Venting Vagina has graciously awarded me with the Lemonade Award and A from Remember All the Way awarded me with 3 others (!)–The Sunshine Award, Your Going Places and The Happy 101 Award. Thank you so much! I actually received the Lemonade award back in January, but unfortunately it fell right around my IVF week which turned out to be heartbreaking and disappointing (little did I know!). Ever since then I feel like I have been in a haze of confusion and disbelief, and was feeling more like a sour lemon than lemonade. But now I think I can finally formally accept this award with confident, positive attitude!

So I am going to cheat a little bit and only pass on 2 of these awards. The Sunshine and the Happy Award. The Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blog world.The Happy Award, similarly, is given to those with “sweet thoughts and kind words.” When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award.

Here are 10 things that make my day:

1.) Warm and inspiring comments from blogger friends

2.) A long conversation with an old cherished friend

3.) Smoothies

4.) Jack Bauer

5.) Going to my favorite little Italian restaurant with my hubby

6.) Good wine and good company

7.) Hugging and kissing my big (old) puppy

8.) Tai food

9.) When my Dad calls me Julie Pie

10.) Imagining the greatest blessing we will soon have , and all of the joy that will bring

I would like to nominate and honor the following, not only for their  inspiring and motivating blogs but also for the supportive and heartfelt comments they have left for me..

1.) Venting Vagina

2.) IF Crossroads

3.) Wait, What?

4.) Making me Mom

5.) Ambivalent Womb

6.) Below Average Athlete

7.) Does this Suit your Copperosity?

8.) Peanut Noodle

9.) Build in Birth Control

10.) Baby on Mind

Have  great weekend. I’m off to get a bikini wax and pedicure in preparation for the vaca. Whoo hoo…

P.S. Have you ever spent time looking for something and the whole time it was right in front of your face? I am embarrassed to admit that I cannot figure out how to add pdf images to my side bar. Blame it on my foggy pregnancy brain. Can anyone with a WordPress blog help me with this? The “Image” Widget does not appear to have an upload feature….

Hangin’ in at 8 1/2 weeks

It’s been a while since my last post. It’s weird because you might think that I would have a lot to say being a newly pregnant person. But other than discussing what food and beverages best cure nausea, I really don’t have anything interesting, entertaining, insightful or creative to write. I’m slowly grasping this new   reality, and need to reassure myself every morning that it is still real. Ridiculously vivid dreams? Check! Sore boobs? Check! Nausea and food aversions? Check! Extreme fatigue? Check! Constipation? Check!

My focus each day is finding something to  wear that I still fit into and something to eat that will settle my stomach. When I get home from work I wrap myself in a blanket and watch all of the quality shows that cable TV has to offer. Bedtime is around 9pm. While I haven’t been up for posting, I have still been thinking about all of you and have been trying to stay updated on all of your latest events. I have been feeling disconnected and guilty for neglecting my blog and have been unsure about where to take it from here. I want my blog to be meaningful, not filled with the mundane details of pregnancy symptoms. I also want to feel connected  and to be supportive of others. I hope that I will still be able to do this, but right now the road ahead is completely unknown . I guess I will just have to wait and see how things go.

So I have officially graduated from the R.E and have my first OB appt this Monday!! Because I had a threatened miscarriage and because I am getting on a plane next Wednesday to head to the Caribbean, I was able to schedule an ultrasound! Woohoo! So psyched about that.   If things look good at 9 weeks, I can finally relax right?

P.S. I have 4 awards to give out!! These are coming soon…..

Still Preggers!!

Holy crap!! I went into the R.E. office this morning with a bad crying hangover thinking it was over. I expected to be told that the embryo was no more and that I needed to stay for a D&C. I even told the ultrasound tech as I took my pants off to expect a lot of tears. But then, we saw AND heard the heartbeat. 119.5 beats per minute!!! This is what they normally see at 8 weeks!! Holy shit. If this ride hasn’t been a fucking emotional roller coaster I don’t know what is.  Everything was measuring as normal and the gestational sac is in the right place. They did see the area on the ultrasound where the bleeding was coming from but couldn’t really explain what was causing it. Honestly, there was a lot more information but I was too in shock to absorb it all. Another good thing is that the bleeding has almost stopped and the blood is dark, as opposed to bright red.  This means it’s old blood (so gross I know).

We met with the R.E. afterwards and he called it a “threatened miscarriage”. He said that I should stay on bed rest until the bleeding stops. So here I am home from work again, seriously considering coming clean to my boss so he doesn’t think I’m either a.) making it up for days off or b.) dying from a terrible disease.

Thank you to everyone who posted such thoughtful and encouraging words yesterday. I really needed them!!

Crashing Down???!!!

This morning I woke up pregnant. Now, I fear it is all crashing down. About an hour after I posted my 6 week update, I felt a little gush, and hoped that it was just discharge or urine. Nope, it was blood. I ran to the bathroom and felt another gush. Bright red blood. I immediately started crying and called my R.E. nurse. She told me she would see if she could get me in today for an ultrasound but if not I should go to the emergency room. She said she ‘d call me right back. Tears. Called my  husband to come home. More sobs. The nurse finally called back after a half hour and told me they could get me in at 8:00am tomorrow (bullshit) and that I should stay calm and try not to worry too much. She said a lot of women experience bleeding in pregnancy and that everything could still be OK. She told me to stay off my feet for the rest of the day and to call back if I experienced a fever, bad cramping or clotting. My husband and I cried together.

So now I have to spend the rest of the day laying on the couch wondering if this pregnancy is over or not. I’m not feeling too positive and I’m scared shitless about what comes next. Ever since I got back my IVF results I have stared down a path of more heartache, despair and failure. I was ready to close the door on that but it looks like it is still wide open.  I just don’t know how I would survive this.

Well, tomorrow I’ll know. At least I don’t have to wait 5 more days for my ultrasound.

6 Weeks and Counting

Wow, it’s been a week since my last post. I’m sorry that I have been so neglectful to my blog and loyal blogger friends. It’s just that I don’t have a lot to say right now. Everyday I wake up still in disbelief that I am pregnant and have experienced so many conflicting emotions.  As soon as I start to feel any joy or excitement, the infertile in me tells me to be worried, scared and cautious. The negative, nagging infertile reminds me of all the things that could still go wrong and that I don’t know if this pregnancy is even viable. We still have not told our families because I’m not quite in the “Hooray, we’re pregnant!” mode yet. Right now, it’s just not real to me. My few friends that know are beyond thrilled for me and have already started giving me baby books.  One even bought me a Bella Band which was so incredibly sweet. While their joy for me is a true blessing in itself, it is also a bit overwhelming because I can not share in the celebration. As soon as I started reading a chapter about “birthing options” in “What to Expect…”, I closed the book and put it right back down.

If  we had better fertilization results from my IVF, I wouldn’t be so scared. If I had a few frozen embabies waiting for me I might feel a little more relaxed. But I dont. This could be my only chance since any future IVF attempts may have the same abysmal results. This pregnancy is EVERYTHING. I have everything to lose and everything to gain. So no, I’m not quite relaxed yet. I still cannot believe that this miracle has occurred.

5 more days until my 7 week ultrasound and it cannot come soon enough! I also made an app with an OB but was very disappointed to find out that they don’t do an ultrasound at the first appointment! WTF!? Going from 3-4 ultrasounds a week during stims to ONE throughout my whole first trimester is a little unnerving! I am seriously considering just begging my doctor to do another one and saying that I will pay out of pocket. (Hopefully I will get some extra sympathy at the OB as an IVF patient!) I dont care if it costs a couple hundy because it is so worth my peace of mind.

So now, I wait and go about my days as usual. I experienced my first bout of nausea yesterday which was uncomfortable but comforting at the same time. I actually had to get out of the shower covered in suds just so I could sit down on the toilet and put my head down. My boobs are still sore thank goodness and I have definitely been feeling fatigued and moody (can you say road rage?!). All good signs I guess. I just want to see it to believe it!!

Beta #3

Warning: This post contains whining from a pregnant person. Be prepared to be annoyed.

My third beta results yesterday were great at 3100! My progesterone level was also high enough that told me I could stop using the suppositories. Hooray! Those suppositories are a real drag. I opted to take them 3 times a day over the injections since I am such a needle wimp…..but they were pretty gross. God forbid I walked around my house in the morning getting ready for work in just a robe (sans undies), because I would end up leaking drops of melted suppository all over the house! So gross I know. My husband even asked me what those white spots were on the kitchen floor…and I told him I didn’t know! Haha. I haven’t been the biggest sex pot in the world lately so I didn’t think I needed to make it worse by telling him I was leaking white junk all over the place out of my hoohaa.

So I haven’t been blogging much lately because I don’t really have much to say. I think I am having a bit of an identity crisis. It is a strange feeling going from the deep dark depths of IF to all of a sudden being pregnant. It is not as easy as I had imagined. First of all, I am still not over the devastation of learning that out of 20 eggs, only one embryo was barely viable. Pregnant or not, that is really fucking bad.Whether or not this pregnancy sticks, that heartbreak will last with me forever. And now I fear that any future IVF attempt will be equally questionable. A week and a half ago I was in a very sad, dark place. Now I cannot simply turn around and be a gleeful pregnant lady. As much I would love to become a blissful prego beaming with pride, I still feel like the same worried, anxious, cautious person I have been for a year and a half.

But obviously, I AM happy. I am the happiest I have ever been about anything in my life. THIS is what I have been waiting for. This means more than anything. This would be a miracle. This IS and WILL be the greatest blessing I could imagine.

But….I cant totally let myself go to that happy place yet because if something were to go wrong, the fall would be even harder.

My “OB ultrasound” is on Feb 15th which will be at the 7 week mark. If all goes well they release me to the OB-GYN. (!!?) By then, I promise, I will allow myself to be more excited.

Beta #2

So I’m still pregnant..hooray! My beta results yesterday showed levels that more than doubled to 510! This is great news, but I’m still terrified that something will go wrong because this is too good to be true. What are the chances that this lone survivor from 20 eggs, an itty bitty 4 cell embryo, would actually turn into a pregnancy?!? It is truly a miracle. Every morning I wake up and check to see if my boobs are still sore just to give myself peace of mind that I’m still pregnant.

I’m pregnant. I still haven’t really used those word yet. I have instead been describing my current state in the form of beta levels. Although, I did  say them yesterday as I was getting my H1N1 shot. I figured I should make them aware just in case. The nurse didn’t seem to care though and only reassured me that the shot was safe. If she only knew what this pregnancy meant and what a huge deal it was for me to say those words. Last week, I didn’t know if I ever would.

So Monday I go back for another beta and if that looks good we schedule an ultrasound. I could have sworn the nurse said “OB ultrasound” but it’s way too early for that, right? What a huge leap that will be. In the meantime, I’m taking it day by day, sore boob by sore boob…..

Beta #1

My beta results were pretty good at 194. Hooray! At least I know it wasn’t a chemical pregnancy. So now I can admit that I am pregnant, even though it sounds ridiculously absurd. It sounds as absurd as me saying “I am an acrobat” or “I speak Swahili”. Other people get pregnant, not me. I just get BFN after BFN and buy presents for other people’s babies. Who knew that my body was even capable of this. I still don’t believe it. When I got the call today, it was honestly like any other results call (except a BFN call of course). The nurse congratulated me, told me my number and told me to come back Thursday for Beta #2. I asked her if my pregnancy is at any higher risk because of the intial low cell number of the embryo and she said no. She said it should have caught up by now. Phew! I was worried he would always be a little behind the 8 ball but I guess not. I hung up and went back to work. Weird, huh? I would have pictured myself being hysterical at this point. I did cry this morning, but since then I’ve been very calm. I just feel like I am not out of the woods yet. It is so early and so much can happen. All I know is disapointment and heartbreak so it is really difficult to absorb these results and the reality of it all. I want to ask God, why now? Why have you been withholding this from me for so long and now suddenly allow me to have it? It’s too good to be true. Is there a catch? It’s just a lot to take in.
OK, so I did leave work a little early. I just wasn’t focusing and needed to make a few calls. Only a few close friends know since they knew about the IVF, but we are really going to try not to tell our families for at least 8 weeks. (IF it sticks of course)
I canceled my WTF appt with the RE on Thursday. I was so sure that this wasn’t going to work that I made sure to book an appt right after the results. Canceling that appt was a good feeling. I really hope I dont have to reschedule it.
How do I feel right now? I have lots of twinges and some random cramping in my belly and engorged boobs. Other than that I feel pretty normal. If I wasn’t TTC I would be expecting AF any minute now. So for all of you ladies on your 2ww-dont bother analyzing your symptoms! It will only drive you nuts. I know, I’ve done it a million times.

Still Waiting….and Just a Little Bit Pregnant

There IS such thing as being just a little bit pregnant. Some stupid fertile must have said there wasn’t such thing–thinking he/she was really clever. A positive (or four) pregnancy tests = pregnant. Nope, sorry pal. You’re wrong. There IS such thing as being “kinda” pregnant , and it’s no fun. OK, so it’s a little fun. But mostly torture. All I can do is take it day by day, and today was a good day:

• POAS=still two lines
• My dog is walking around feeling great and begging for food as usual.
• I stepped on the scale this morning and lost 2 lbs.
• My cleaning lady came this afternoon and folded two baskets of laundry

Tomorrow is another day so we’ll have to deal with it as it comes. I think I may leave work early since I wont be able to deal with anything but my cell phone after getting the results–good or bad.

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful comments, support and prayers. They really mean a lot!

MORE Disbelief……TWO lines???

I woke up this morning feeling very down in the dumps. My eyes opened at 6:30am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind was racing with anxiety and fear of the upcoming months and the potentials of failed cycles. My boobs didn’t feel as sore so I was convinced the whole thing was big fat failure.

I decided to POAS. I immediately noticed some faint spotting and thought, “fucking awesome, Im getting my period.” I reached down to put the stick in the line of pee and literally, only about 5 drops came out. WTF?!? Now I’ve wasted a test. But then, I saw it. Two lines. I’ve never seen them before. I just laughed and didnt really believe it. After a few glasses of water I tested again. They’re still there.

I’m happy but I am too scared to be excited. IF has robbed me of what should be a joyful experience. I should be crying, dancing and cheering but instead, Im just going about my day. What is wrong with me? If I am pregnant, when will I ever allow myself to feel excited? Probably not until they put the baby in my arms.  I am so scared that this will be a chemical pregnancy. I find out Tuesday.

I feel like someone needs to shake me right now and say, ” You are pregnant god dammit, the test was positive! Cant you stop being such a downer and just be happy?!?” Well, if I had perfect embryos I might be able to enjoy this more. But mine was a slow developer and the odds werent high.

Say a prayer for my little fighter!!!

Can this month get any worse?

Yesterday was the day from hell. I was rear ended on my way to work. Gotta love pedestrians who don’t pay attention to moving cars! Some girl walked right in front of my car as I was making a U turn so I slammed on my brakes and the car behind me smashed into me. Awesome.

Then at about 9pm, just as I am all cozy in my pajamas, reading some interesting blogs from the ICLW list, I hear  commotion outside. I peek out and see two cars pulled over in front of my house. They say, “Is this your Husky??” Uh Oh. I immediately told myself that he probably just wandered into a neighbor’s yard and got lost. But no. They tell me they think he has been hit by a car. I run over to see my sweet puppy laying on the ground shaking like a leaf. He can’t get up but I don’t see any blood or trauma so I don’t think he got hit. They help me carry him inside and I frantically call my husband who is not picking up his phone. (He was playing cards with the boys and turned his ringer off…figures). Then the cops come since someone called 911 and yelled at me for letting my dog out without a leash. Thanks, insensitive prick.   I sat there for a while with my dog,  just holding him while he shook from fear and anxiety that he could not use his back legs. This had happened once before but only lasted a few minutes.

Finally, husband comes home and we take him to the 24 hour emergency veterinary hospital where they wheeled him in on a doggie stretcher. After seeing this, I lost it. We both did. We thought this was the end for our boy Timber.  We were devastated. When the Vet came out see us she didn’t have any real answers, but if we wanted to leave him for the night for testing it was cost anywhere between  $1,500-$2,000. Um, lady he is 13 years old. Unless you can prolong his life another 10 years I don’t think we should make that kind of investment.

He was able to wobble out with the help of a body sling and we took him home thinking he would see his own Vet this morning. When I got up, he was walking better but  was definitely not himself. 

As all of this was happening, I was wondering how I would possibly survive losing my dog and failing an IVF within the same week. I just don’t think we could handle it. Is this where my life is taking me? Down a road of despair and sadness? I feel like things could easily spiral out of control if I dont hang on tight. What happened to my happy life? Lately, I look at pictures of myself smiling, looking carefree and truly joyful, and longing for that person to come back. Maybe next week, she will. Please, please……..

Quote of the Day from a Stupid Fertile

Said by a good-intentioned friend today after I tried to explain to her the process of IVF and all of the variables that need to work for a healthy embryo to implant:

“I just don’t understand how you CAN’T get pregnant. I mean, I am so fucking fertile that I got pregnant accidently three times–oh yeah, I never did tell you about that abortion I had back in 1999. I mean, I just cannot comprehend how this isn’t working for you.”

Coming Out of the Fog

I finally feel a little bit more like myself today. For the 2nd time in 5 days, I was able to get dressed out of my pajamas, leave the house and do something productive. I ran some errands, did some laundry and cleaned up the house a bit. I feel like I can finally join the world again after literally checking out for a few days. The results of the embryo transfer were shocking, devastating and traumatizing. It felt as if the most important dream and purpose in my life was being ripped away. I was hopeless and sure that my abilities to produce my own biological child were nonexistent.

Trying to wrap my head around a life without children is just far too painful of a reality. I’m just not that interesting or glamorous to pull it off. My spare room is not used for some really cool hobby like painting, photography, fashion design or even fitness; it is totally bare and only has a bed and a shelf full of my old childhood books. My “nightlife” days have also dwindled down significantly and now consists of dinner out with friends or a Red Sox game. We indulge in some nice vacations a few times a year, but generally my schedule is pretty much clear. Another year, or two or three without a child is unfathomable. How would I be able to find any meaning in my life? I even went online to browse donor egg profiles, sure that it would eventually be a necessary step (either that or adoption).

My R.E. Office has not quite redeemed itself, but my R.E. did finally call me today to ease my worries. I totally felt like a boob though after crying on the phone with the nurse, which actually prompted the immediate call from the R.E. So there must have been some dialogue between those calls that went something like: “Um, Dr. X, you better call this patient, she is an absolute basket case.”  Anyway, R.E. feels confident that based on my age, fertilization rates and response to stim drugs, they will be able to adjust to a protocol that will produce some better eggs & embies. I guess the problem was the slow growth of the embryos(duh), and she said that this may even be a good thing because we know what the “unexplained” problem is and focus on fixing it. She sounded very confident that she could whip up another protocol concoction to improve the results next time so I’m choosing to believe her.  What else can I do? I asked her about the issue of not putting 2 embryos in given their size and she basically gave me the answer I suspected, that based on my age they didnt want to take the risk of both of them taking. Uh, yeah whatever. You are the brilliant fucking doctor, you supposedly know everything so I guess I’ll take your word for it. (Little does she know that next time if she tries to pull the “one and done”  thing again on iffy results….. Im going against her wishes!)

Im still praying so hard for this the little embie. If it grows into a baby- we can always tell him/her what a fighter they were and that they will always be our little miracle.