Who reads your blog??

I started this blog as a way to vent. Since then I have only revealed it to two friends and my husband. There are times when I am so tempted to tell other friends about it but I always catch myself. It is such a private thing and can really only be shown to a trusted few. I am normally a very open person and would usually tell people anything about my life, but the detailed struggle of IF  is too personal to shout from the mountain tops. I refrain from telling acquaintances and colleagues not because of embarrassment, but mostly because I dont want to be judged or pitied.

Revealing my IF is one thing, but my  blog is another.  It is like your diary being open to the whole world, which can be so liberating but scary at the same time. I sent mine to one of my best and oldest friends right away (hi meg!) since she had a mommy blog of her own and needed something to read while she was on bed rest. Since then she has read every word and has supported me so immensely. She has been completely non-judgemental  and has been truly interested in every detail of my treatments. She is my biggest cheerleader and rides each wave of my emotions right along with me. Im so blessed to have her support. There is one other old cherished friend who has read it and has always been my true soul lifter- but is not online enough to follow along as much. Im almost ready to tell a third friend who shares my joy and sorrow each day, but Im a little scared to make it too public. Once 3 people in my life have access, there is a risk of more people reading it and that would not be good.

My mom and sister dont know about it. Right now, I cannot reveal to them the true pain I am going through. It would hurt them too much.

My husband knows I have a blog and that I “blog” each day but he hasnt read too much of it. I think he wants to preserve my  personal outlet because he sees how much it has helped me cope.

Im curious…who have you let read YOUR blog????

IUI#4 Complete.. I almost forgot

IUI#4 was completed yesterday morning and I almost forgot because it was so anti-climactic. Besides the fact that I had to pop a few Tylenol afterwards for some crampiness, I havent even thought about it that much. I even stupidly took Advil beforehand to ease cramping during the procedure. (Duh- you are only supposed to take Tylenol). I waited 45 minutes in the waiting room reading the same old magazines that I have read two times before.  The sample looked good–77 million spermies. Then back to work and back to mundane motherhood-free life as I know it.  Of course I’m already Im convinced that it didnt work. I know that I have vowed not to rush my life away during these treatments but  I do want to fast forward the next two weeks of nasty progesterone suppositories and their shitty side effects.

I just want to know for sure that I will be doing IVF. I need to mentally and emotionally prepare. Im already planning on it. DH was looking at vacation packages for mid-January and I told him we cant plan for that month since I might be doing IVF stuff. Im already wondering if I will be up for a bruins/rangers game with friends on Jan 9th since I’ll be in full fledged medication mode and definitely wont be in the mood to sit SOBER in some cold stadium surrounded by a bunch of drunk dudes in awful hockey jerseys.

Got a call this morning that my cousin had her 2nd baby. She is 3 years younger than me and is the only one in the family who has produced any members of the next generation. My aunt and uncle were giddy with excitement.. which only made me sad for my parents that they cannot experience this same joy. Christmas should be really fun as her 2 babies sit there cooing away, while everyone spies at my empty womb.  I have only one more birth to survive this year thank god–and it’s my “insensitive” friend. She has a C-section scheduled on the same day I get my beta results! Fucking Awesome.

New Look!

Isnt my new header awesome! Im so glad to finally have a personalized look. Alison from Privileged Infertility is a graphic artist and does a fantastic job at creating beautiful images to represent your blog’s message. She also created one for IF Crossroads. If you are interested email her at gigglygirlatheart@gmail.com

IUI#4 Tomorrow, Etc Etc

Why couldnt it have been scheduled for today? I was so looking forward to it being this weekend so I could spend the rest of the day on the couch. Nope, I’ll be rushing back to work for an 11am meeting, hopefully not sloshing all the eggs and sperm around with each step I take. Maybe it’s just as well that I dont think and obsesses about it all day long. It will probably be good to have some distraction since I have been playing mind games with myself during this cycle. I haven’t been totally emotionally invested in it, which makes me think it might end up working, which makes me think it wont.  This should be a fun 2ww!

I don’t know if it’s because it’s been raining non-stop here for 24 hours, but I can feel the blues creeping their way in. I did take  my Ovidril shot last night so Im assuming there are some side effects from that. I knew that my resiliency the past few weeks wouldn’t last forever. It didnt even bother me when my Korean Dry Cleaner looked at my stomach the other day and said “Baby?”. He has been waiting for me to get pregnant ever since I got married 2 1/2 years ago. Since he is adorable and good intentioned, and because I was wearing an unflattering shirt that day–I brushed it off. Then I was totally fine when one of my BF’s from college had her baby . She had a high risk pregnancy and had lost her first pregnancy at 4 months, so I was too happy for her to feel sorry for myself. She is one of those thoughtful, selfless friends who, as she laid there in her hospital bed holding her new baby just hours after a c-section, took time to ask how I was doing with all the treatments. She also told me that I will be the best mom in the world. I knew I had to divert the attention back to her to avoid a breakdown, but it was sweet of her to mention.  She’s good like that.

It is frustrating that because our sadness in IF is about something we dont actually have, it is somehow less real. Unfortunately for me this year has been a fucking baby boom amongst my friends, but fortunately they have been amazingly supportive. There is though the one who I have mentioned in recent posts who is missing a sensitivity chip. I understand that she is over the moon right now awaiting the arrival of her first child and I do share her joy deeply and truly. BUT, I also realized that she must not recognize my heartache as being as significant as her happiness, because my desire and need is not tangible. Because I never had anything to lose, miss or LOVE, I shouldnt have any REAL feelings about. Of course I know that you cannot compare the love of a child with anything else, but I just wish she could signify my experience.

Because she got pregnant accidently, she will never know what it really feels like to want a baby or the true natural instinct and need to be a mother. Her heart will always be whole and her identity will always be defined. Her life will always have purpose and her love is never-ending.  She will never know what it feels like to be incomplete and to have to go through every day life not only with a piece missing from her heart, but from her as a person and from her whole life.  She doesn’t understand that just because I dont know what it feels like to have a pregnancy, that I dont know love for my child. I do, it’s there. I’ve been waiting for him my whole life. It’s like each month I drive hours to the airport in a blizzard to greet him and he’s not there.  Each trip I take, I love him even more..

More on IVF

I have to say that I must be losing it a little bit. Either that or I have been overcome by a weird force of positivity. How could I go from crying about IVF to being excited about it? DH and I were even cracking jokes in the waiting room at RE’s office this morning. I was giddy from nerves and excitement and thought it was hilarious that he had major hat-head and that he was reading a children’s “Clifford” book since the only other reading material was Parents magazines. Im still waiting for the medication side effects to rear their ugly heads to send me into Debbie Downer Mode. Im guessing it will come once the progesterone comes into play. For now, I will just focus on my IVF plan. Here are my highlights:

• RE was adamant about transferring ONLY ONE embryo. Being the all business doc that she is (let’s call her A.B.R.E), she is super anti-multiples.  She wants no part of them. She has no desire to play with fate and drop two in just to increase the odds for success.  This is a good thing that she is so strict about this because I can totally see DH & I irresponsibly asking for two just for the gamble. ABRE does not gamble!!
• We decided to definitely freeze our extras. I never realized all of the legal issues that can come with this! We decided that if we were to get a divorce, the embryos would get destroyed. I said that if I didnt want DH around I didnt think I would want any more of his kids running around! If one of us dies or “disappears” (??!) the other will decide what happens with the rest. Ugly scenario but I guess anything could happen.
• Hooray! I somehow got out of taking the pill for 20 days! ABRE said it wasnt absolutely necessary if I really felt that the side effects were that serious. Honestly, they really do make me super depressed and emotional. I’m one of the few women over 30 that never really took the pill. I really always thought that the “rhythm method” really worked or that I was really just lucky that I never got knocked up. (Haha!!)
• Im very pleased that there is no bed rest involved. ABRE said this is an old school practice and is not necessary. Besides taking it easy the day of the transfer, I can go on from there as normal. 
• Overall, my chances for success are very good (50-60%) so that is what I am focusing on. For ABRE to say that chances are good, it must mean REALLY good.  I’ll take that over the crappy 20% success rate of IUI.  

So if I get the dreaded BFN from IUI#4 it will be on Thanksgiving weekend (“Umm, can you please pass EVERYTHING including the bottle of wine? No need for a glass , thank you. I’ll just take the bottle..”) . That will put my IVF transfer around mid-January.  Looking forward to a BFP in 2010!

IVF Consult

The IVF Consultation went really well today.  In fact, Im really excited about it (only a fellow IF sister would understand that bizarre type of excitement). First of all, my RE is awesome. In the beginning I thought that she wasnt so great because she was SO clinical and all business and therefore couldnt tell me what she “thought” or “felt” about my odds. Kind of like when your best friend tells you that she has a “really good feeling about this cycle.” I understand now that she has to be all business and by telling someone she “feels” really good about their cycle or situation as a whole would only be giving them false hope. Specifically, I had wanted her to tell me after my polypectomy that she thought THAT was the real problem and I was crushed when she didnt. Looking back, Im so glad she didnt make any assumptions because they would have turned out to be wrong. Telling patients what they want to hear doesnt do anyone any good.  I know that now and realize  just how much I have changed since my first visit.  For example, RE had a big smile on her face today as she told us that many patients in my position (IVF consult while mid IUI cycle) end up being successful and therefore dont go through the IVF procedure. I would have wanted to hear this 10 months ago but not now. Im done with all of the cutesy stories about other people getting pregnant on their off cycles and when they least expected it. Great for them, but Im not counting on any cute little surprises. Just give me the cold hard facts and statistics!  Anyway, I will elaborate more later, but I just had to post my little bout of excitement…

IF Diet? Ha Ha

OK so I am sitting here watching the Biggest Loser and feeling really guilty about my caloric intake the past few weeks..and months. I should note that while I have basically maintained a normal weight since high school, I was a fat kid and feel that that my former fatty self is always still there, begging me to give in.  Some who dont know this may tease me for being a salad girl or think that I am true health nut at heart for snacking on edamame or tasteless flaxseed/mega-fiber pitas.  The reality is that Chips Ahoy, Doritos, pizza and pasta all make me weak in the knees and that I am an emotional eater.  My frustration lately over this IF situation has definitely caused me to eat a lot more than usual and in fact, it’s been no holds barred. I’d just like to review a few recent highlights:

Since Halloween I have been surrounded by candy at work. It is OK to eat an entire (regular size)candy bar every day for 3 days straight? I think not.

For dinner tonight I ate an entire box of Annie’s Mac&Cheese. (700 calories) It is just way too delicious to stop eating.

Every once in a while I get a McDonald’s McFlurry as a special treat and didnt think that they were that bad for you.  I once even ate two in one day. I just found out they are 600 calories–more than a large fry!

Pizza. I just cannot get enough. If you asked me what food I would take with me on a deserted island this would be it.  Catch me on a day when Im hung over or have PMS and you’ll be going home hungry because I will have eaten all the pizza! Seriously though,  I recently ate 4 slices in one night… but in my defense it was of the thin crust variety. (MA Chain–”Uppercrust”. Yumm!)

It is especially hard to deny the extra flesh on my abdomen every night when DH gives me my shot. But Im okay with it right now. I know I wont let myself get completely out of control, so Im going to forgive myself for some extra treats here and there. I deserve it god dammit!

Too much Time to Ponder Time

So much about enduring IF treatments is waiting. God did an outstanding job at creating us women but unfortunately did a poor job at the whole 28 day cycle thing. This long ass cycle might mean nothing to the lucky fertile but for us it means waiting weeks and weeks between treatments, and god forbid you have to skip one…there goes two months down the drain. This idle time can only be spent trying to live a normal life and trying not to think, worry, or analyze yourself to death.  It is beyond frustrating.  I realized the other day that not only has IF affected my life, but it has also indirectly affected my parents lives. They are in their early 60’s and are thankfully healthy at the moment, but certainly will not be forever. My Dad has been a smoker on and off for pretty much his whole life and I have always been terrified of him getting cancer.  It is just so sad to me that my fucked up fertility issues are robbing my parents time with their grandchildren. 

On another note, I was thankfully able to get an IVF consult appt with my RE this Thursday. I had them put me on a waiting list and fortunately it worked out. The less waiting the better!   I just want to put this plan into place so that if IUI#4 is a bust and can move forward immediately. Onward and Upward!

I am realizing that looking ahead is the best way of dealing with this and so many other issues in life. I’ll never forget some simple words of advice my Dad gave me 15 years ago as we were driving away in a packed car headed for college my freshmen year.  Our house had just been sold so I knew I would never return to life as I knew it.  I was leaving my youth in a sense and life would never be the same.  After I had just tearfully said goodbye to my mother and sobbed as we drove away from the house, my Dad simply told me, “Don’t look back, Julie. Don’t look back.”  These are very simple words but it was some of the best advice Ive ever received.  My family and I had also endured a few major painful experiences through the years so it was an especially poignant statement.  In a way it means hitting the “reset” button on your life and starting from scratch. Dwelling on disappointments of the past can only make you more frustrated , cynical and can make you lose hope.  And while it’s easier said than done, Im going to try not to look back at the this past year + of BFNs.  Im going to try to focus more on all the opportunities that lie ahead. ( Note to self: Dispose of the medical waste container under the kitchen sink filled with used gonal f injection needles…!)

On My Way to IUI #4: Why Do I Feel So Normal?

So Im at CD7 and went for my first monitoring ultrasound and blood draw this morning. I love it when these appts land on Saturdays. I feel so purposeful and productive going in first thing in the morning with my coffee, wearing jeans and sneakers. It’s less depressing for some reason than going before work at 7:15 and seeing all of the other women with their work clothes on. It’s just a reminder of how inconvenient this all is and how hard it is going on with our daily lives with this dark cloud over us.  Anyway, I must be a weirdo because I dont mind as much going on weekend mornings.

Since it is still so early the ultrasound was pretty boring. We saw two follicles at around 10mm and about 20 other little ones floating around. Pretty anti-climactic. This cycle feels different from the last for some reason. Maybe Im just so used to the routine that it’s not as exciting or emotional. Even though Ive been on the Gonal-F injections all week I dont even feel it’s evil effects consuming my body and mind. In fact,  I have a ton of energy and am in what my good friend and I call “Solving World Peace” mode. Im doing laundry, cleaning the house. staining a table and raking leaves. I also plan to go out to buy some new curtains. Maybe Im just nesting. I also havent been bothered by my insensitive pregnant friend’s phone calls lately either. She felt it was necessary to call me this week to tell me that HER friend just had her baby.  Great, just what I was dying to hear on a Wednesday night as Im preparing my shot.  Im glad that these things arent really affecting me much right now. I must be subconsciously numbing myself.

But I know the flood of emotions are coming though. Over the next couple weeks Im sure the hormones will kick in full force and I’ll be back down in the dumps, feeling sorry for myself and not wanting to bother with anyone or anything. My house will be a mess again and I’ll be screening my calls. The reality of being here at IUI #4 and of the possibility of it not working will sink in and I’ll be feeling like shit. At least I’m expecting it this time.

Well one good thing I can look forward to is that my IUI appt will probably fall on the weekend. I can lay around all day and not worry about going back to work and pretending Im having a normal day. (These days, it doesnt take much….)

Happy Hallo-Failure

So AF decided to come for a visit last night as I was passing out Halloween candy to all the adorable neighborhood munchkins. It was a week early, which is just as well since it eases another week of anxiety and false hope, and also just enables me to get started on the next cycle sooner. Hell, Im not getting any younger over here. I had been having a fine night up until AF’s arrival. I had made a delicious lasagna for the family and enjoyed taking pictures of our little nieces and nephew (ages 1-5) as they excitedly and awkwardly trudged around in their costumes. But after I realized that I had yet again another failure (and that I had to get a tampon from my sister in law), I was just annoyed and tired of the whole night. I didn’t care that I was answering the door and handing out candy with my glass of wine in hand. It was possible that some parents were offended by this but if they knew, they might understand. If they knew that I didnt WANT to be the childless aunt, boozing it up and passing out candy to other people’s kids, and that I too wanted to have my own little baby Lady Bug in a Bjorn, and a little Darth Vader to hold my and Daddy’s hand. They would then understand that I needed that wine and that I was in fact a real trooper for even participating. Oh well. A few glasses of wine and 4 Kit Kats later, it was thankfully all over.

Now I am back to my world of the cycle calendar-CD1. Im at least glad that I’ll get in an IUI before Thanksgiving and that I wont have to miss any out-of-state family gatherings because of it. I’m disappointed that this month was a failure, but I knew it would be for some reason all along. In fact, I didnt even try that hard for some reason. I didnt even bother buying OPK’s since I didn’t feel like spending $40 and figured I would just wing it. What is it about human nature that makes us complain about the circumstances but not do enough to change them? It’s just like how I complain that Im not skinny or fit enough, but continue to skip the gym and stuff my face with mini snickers bars. I should have been trying full court press this month but instead I just rebelled. I said “fuck you infertilty, I dont have the time or fucking energy to deal with you right now”. I did what so many (fertile) people tell you to do but not what any RE would advise….which was just relax, have sex a few times when you think you’re ovulating and hope that –god forbid–your body will cooperate. No such luck.

Well I guess it’s back to the meds this week. I wish I could just hit fast forward for the next few months….so I wouldnt have to deal with the holidays and my hectic job with hormones coming out of my ears and emotions causing me to cry on my turkey. But then again, as I said in a recent post, I wont let this Bitch named IF cause me to waste a minute of my life. OK. maybe a few, but that’s it.

Happy 13th Bday Timber

Happy 13th Birthday to my big lovey puppy! For such a big dog we are very lucky that he has stayed with us so long. He still looks great though for an old man–this picture was taken just this past winter! He has been having some health issues lately though and it is very sad seeing him age. We love him so much and just hope he’ll have the opportunity to meet our “someday baby” so he can give him/her a big lick on the face!

Cycle Confusion

So I was on the phone about three times this morning with my nurse trying to figure out the next steps. Since I hadnt heard anything since my polyp-check-procedure I wanted to call to make sure we were all set to start the IVF process..next week. I had remembered something about an “IVF Consult” where you and papa sperm sit with the doctor to go over all the risks and sign a bunch of forms, but didnt think would be that hard to set up. It turns out my doctor does not have a free appt until November 23rd! When I heard this my heart sank. I have had it in the back of my mind that I would be pregnant by Christmas. It was wishful thinking I guess, but it’s been a feeling Ive had all year. The thought of entering the new year still without a baby in my belly will be devasting. If I dont see the doctor until November 23rd, I wouldnt have the IVF procedure until January since you have to be on the pill for 20 days or so before starting hormone injections. Fucking Awesome. Spending Christmas, not pregnant, all jacked up hormones was not exactly what I had in mind. I guess this is just another one of the million disapointments you encounter with this process. You tell yourself to think positive, hope for the best and follow your “good feeling” instincts. I even believe my friends’ instincts. It makes me feel good for a while, but then it all comes crashing down and you realize what a dummy you have been even thinking that things would work out how you wanted them to.

The good thing is, I can do an IUI while Im waiting for my consult. I might as well, right?? I dont want to waste another fucking month. So I guess there is a chance I could have good news by the end of the year. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and one day we’ll look back and laugh about how we had a scheduled plan for IVF but didnt end up doing it because I got pregnant waiting to see my doctor. That would be nice.

So as frustrated as I am that I cant go full force and have my baby whipped up in time for the holidays, there is a part of me that is a little relieved. I dont have a choice but to put the IVF thing off a little longer, and in the meantime I can maybe have a successful IUI. Only time will tell……

Friendship

I survived the whirlwind weekend away at the baby shower and visits  with two friends ready to give birth at any moment and two other friends with new babies. Thank the Lord that I was at THE perfect point in my cycle (just post ovulation) and was fertility hormone free–because I made it through without any tears! Actually, the hard part was not being around the pregos or the babies. Since I don’t see my oldest and best friends very often, seeing their babies and pregnant bellies was adorable and joyous. It was like I was completely removed from my own IF debbie downer-dom. Kind of like when I was single in my 20’s, picturing myself as a bride was hilarious and was so far from my reality at that point. This weekend I was Auntie Julie who was nervous carrying the new baby upstairs and didn’t know you had to stop feeding the baby mid-bottle to give her a burp. Diaper change? No thanks! Cranky? Go back to Mommy! The baby mania was as happy and cute as can be but weirdly my maternal instincts were kept at bay.  I was enjoying my wine and being able to enjoy my meal without interruptions. (Hmm, maybe Im really not cut out for this mom stuff after all?)

The hardest part was talking about my IF Status, having to rehash the past year and worst, the past few months. Just saying it made me sad for myself–3 failed IUI’s. Probably moving on to IN VITRO. It sounds so awful. Summarizing it made it feel so powerful  and real, and describing the details to people who know me so well and care about me so much was heartbreaking for me and them.  There were questions about the process and procedures. “Yes, nightly injections, catheters, polyp surgery…. BFN BFN BFN……. IVF is where they retrieve your eggs and then fertilize them in a petri dish….. No, the risk for multiples is lower in IVF than IUI…… I dont know what the problem is, it’s “unexplained”….

As difficult as it was, it was also very comforting to feel their support and love. Without a doubt they all supported IVF for the next step. It felt good to have this reassurance because for some reason I feel guilty going through this procedure. I was reminded that just because it isn’t how it is “supposed to be” doesn’t mean it isn’t right or wont give me the same beautiful child I might have had naturally. One new mom friend I was with was recently divorced and had just moved in with her boyfriend when she got pregnant. Not how things are “supposed to be” but they could not be happier.  It made me feel better about taking drastic measures and going the non-traditional route. Seeing old friends is so very good for the soul..and i needed a good soul boost.

 

Baby Shower

Tomorrow I leave to go away for the weekend to attend one of my best friends’ baby shower. This is the same friend I mention in a recent post, who hasn’t been the greatest support in my IF struggle. She got pregnant while planning her wedding this year and was really upset about it. She cried for the inconvenient timing and I cried too, but for myself. She rescheduled the wedding in June and was able to plan it just before she started to show. I haven’t seen her since the wedding, partly because I’ve been avoiding her. She is deeply entrenched in her pregnant world and cannot seem to realize or understand my current state of devastation and heartache. In fact, I know she’s disappointed that I dont call her enough–but doesnt get that I am in a state of depression and may not want to hear her gush and gush and gush about how amazing her pregnancy is, all the different food she is craving, how great it is feeling her baby move and how sad she will be when she delivers because she wont get to feel the baby inside her anymore. I know I sound uncaring to HER joyous experience, but oh well. I guess we’re just not going to see eye to eye right now. I do love my friend and I know she loves me dearly. She just doesnt get it. And I accept that not everyone will get it, or will always know what to say. Maybe someday when Im pregnant I will feel guilty for not making a bigger deal out of her pregnancy. Maybe not. I AM going to her baby shower and bought her a beautiful gift. I will sit through the shower and ooh and aah. I’ll do this because I do care for her and for her happiness. I’ll help her open the little clothes, socks, bottles, blankets, bjorns, lotions and bouncy seats. I’ll help her carry the gifts to her house and will compliment her nursery colors. I’ll suck it up. Because this is my life and I have to keep living it.  As much as it sucks.

Inspiration, Strength and Support

So I have just read through many other infertility blogs for the start of ICLW week and feel humbled to be a part of this new world.  I am in awe of your strength, faith and the support that you have for each other.  Thank you for welcoming me, sharing your journeys and your most private thoughts and emotions. Reading your experiences and comments reminds me that I am not alone in this battle and that finally, there are people who understand.

My current status:  Planning on going for IVF#1 next month if this natural cycle is unsuccessful.  3 previous failed medicated IUI’s.  I have so many mixed emotions about IVF at this point that it leaves me speechless. I just keep thinking of the end goal and that doing whatever will increase the chances is the right decision. Im just so sick of walking around with this dark cloud over me and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want this to go on any longer than it has to. I already fear that a piece of me is broken–although I hope that it will be healed someday when I finally have a family. I try not to think about what will happen if this doesn’t work, because that reality is beyond comprehension.

Im just trying to enjoy my life in the meantime and hoping my journey will soon lead me to my dream of being a mom. And all the while, following along with my fellow bloggers..

Time to Face the Music

Today was my hysteroscopy to see if any polyps had come back. For what seemed like a serious procedure took literally about 10 minutes from knickers off to knickers back on. (Speaking of pants off, can we please have a more dignified place to put our pants and underwear, like maybe a drawer or little closet? Just leaving them in a heap on a chair or the floor is so cheap and embarrassing–like a hook up in a dorm room. ) So anyway, the camera was inserted into my cervix and I uncomfortably got to see the inside of my uterus. Icck–it’s not pretty but it wasn’t so terrible either. It was smooth, cozy and simple–and if I were an embryo I wouldnt mind camping out there. No polyps. I guess that’s good news, although I was secretly hoping that they would discover something–that way they could fix it. Like maybe they would see some underwear fuzz in there or a hairball that they could just easily remove and everything would be fine. No more “unexplained” mystery.  That way I would know that my eggs weren’t all rotten or poisonous.

I must say that I have been enjoying this month off. Im pretending like I am a normal person not under an infertility cloud. It’s like being on vacation from an extremely intense and stressful job. My blackberry and lap top are off, my toes are in the sand and Im dozing off listening to the waves crash. No worries! Only after today’s procedure I can feel the vacation ending. It’s time to pack up, change out of my bathing suit and back into my winter clothes. Time to face the music and start planning for the next cycle.  While  we will try naturally this month, I will just assume that it wont work. This means IVF is in our near  future and it is both exciting and terrifying.

A Thoughtful Gift..and People Who Surprise You

I received one of the most thoughtful gifts ever this week. It was my supervisee’s last day, and as she was leaving she handed me a card and little box. Inside was ONE little crocheted baby booty. I was confused at first, thinking it was a holder of some kind, with maybe a doggie treat inside since we typically would get each other funny gifts for each other’s dogs. This must show how clueless I am and how removed I have become from the reality of having a real baby–because the booty was actually intended for my future baby. She said she made me two, but that she would hold on to the other one until I had some good news for her. It was also assurance for her that I would keep in touch, because she really wanted to know when it finally happened. She was actually the only one at work that knew, and had been really supportive through the ups and downs. In her card she wrote that was both blessed and humbled to have had me for a boss, thanked me for all of my support and that she couldn’t wait to hear that I was finally pregnant.

I was taken aback by this gift. First, because as a boss I sometimes wondered if she secretly hated me, and this obviously proved otherwise. It also showed such genuine thoughtfulness, support and caring.  It was a beautiful gift of hope.

It’s funny how some people can surprise you when you are going through difficult times. Im so lucky to have friends who are beyond amazing in they way they have supported me through this. But there is one who should have been better. I can understand that she has been preoccupied with her first pregnancy, and would never want to make things “all about me”,  but I have been astounded at her lack of sensitivity.  It’s to the point that I have been avoiding her phone calls, and we used to talk 2-3 times a week.  Im also realizing that I cannot completely trust her with such private and personal information, after finding out she blabbed to multiple people that I was going through fertility treatments. It’s really disappointing, but I guess Im not really all that shocked. She has always been this way, only I had never dealt with anything so private and painful for her to exploit the way she has done with others.

Im going to her baby shower this weekend and am bracing myself. I will be the enthusiastic and dutiful friend, and will pretend that everything is great.  I am truly happy for her and will enjoy being there to share in the joy and excitement. But deep down I’ll know that, along with other things in my life lately,  things will be a little different. And that isnt necessarily a bad thing….

Stopping to Smell the Mums

I  just bought two huge pots of red mums this morning for my front porch. I was tempted to buy the biggest pots they had, but realized that they wouldnt have fit on my front steps. Just below that pic is my 13-year-old dog, Timber. He’s a big, beautiful hair ball of unconditional love. There are no real stories or reasons behind posting the pictures, other than that I just wanted to share a little piece of my life–today. (Sorry, no pictures of my messy house or of my terrible outfit & hairdo). Just a snapshot of  what and who I am  looking at and thinking about this minute.  I  just found myself watching Timber as he slept and snored and realized how fleeting time is and how I should stop rushing it away. A few months from now things could be totally different. I could be pregnant, we could be in a new home and Timber could be gone. Really, anything could happen that could turn my whole world upside down to a point where this snapshot of me here on this Sunday morning, enjoying my mums and coffee with my dog,  would seem light years away.

I guess i just have to remind myself to experience life a little bit more during IF treatments. While it’s so easy to be consumed by the “cycle” calendar, and to wish that I had a time machine to skip the 2ww, or the month off of treatments–I also have to remember that I’ll never get this time back. I dont want to end up looking back on my early thirties years from now and only see a blur, a blacked out period of struggle and despair that really “didnt count”.

Because so much of this struggle is about “moving forward” and  ”looking ahead”, it’s too easy to forget the present. I know that looking ahead is necessary to cope, but I guess I just have to make sure that I take the blinders off and look around every once in a while.  IF sucks royally, but life is good and life is short. I don’t want to waste any of it.

A New Day

Im feeling much better today. Yesterday I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. But today is a new day and Im only going to look forward.  This month will be a treatment free month since they need to do another hysteroscopy to see if any polyps came back. Im really looking forward to being hormone free and finally feeling like myself again. This past month has been a rough one. The injectables made me depressed, anti-social and lazy. I didnt want to talk on the phone or socialize with friends on weekends. My sneakers are probably covered in cobwebs since I havent exercised in so long. Besides my husband, my best companions have been my pajama pants and my remote.  Not to mention anything with a very high carb content. Here are the reasons why this hormone free month will be good:

1.) I will finally feel like myself. I will go for bike rides, walk my dog and get to the gym. I will stop letting all lettuce and vegetable products rot every week and will actually eat them in place of junk food. I will lose the few pounds that Ive gained and will feel much better about myself.

2.) I will be able to be a good host to my family who will be visiting next week. I wont be feeling sorry for myself that I have to sneak away to give myself a hormone shot every night. I will be in a postive & energetic  mood and  will be able to be patient with my sister who can sometimes drives me crazy.

3.) I will be able to happliydrive to CT  for my friend’s baby shower–while also visiting one other pregnant friend and two who just had babies. I will love holding their babies and will be so excited for my friends’ happiness.  I will enjoy every moment of being with these old cherished friends–because they are amazing and are true blessings in my life.

3.)   I will buy myself some new boots and a cute fall jacket and will enjoy being healthy and hormone free. I’ll enjoy glasses of wine and will laugh a lot. Im not going to worry or agonize about what is next. For now, Im going to  just be.

Devastated

Negative. Another failure. Another wasted month of hormones, ultrasounds, bloodtests and hopes. Another blow to the simple, organic want and need for a family.

This FUCKING SUCKS