Beta #3

Warning: This post contains whining from a pregnant person. Be prepared to be annoyed.

My third beta results yesterday were great at 3100! My progesterone level was also high enough that told me I could stop using the suppositories. Hooray! Those suppositories are a real drag. I opted to take them 3 times a day over the injections since I am such a needle wimp…..but they were pretty gross. God forbid I walked around my house in the morning getting ready for work in just a robe (sans undies), because I would end up leaking drops of melted suppository all over the house! So gross I know. My husband even asked me what those white spots were on the kitchen floor…and I told him I didn’t know! Haha. I haven’t been the biggest sex pot in the world lately so I didn’t think I needed to make it worse by telling him I was leaking white junk all over the place out of my hoohaa.

So I haven’t been blogging much lately because I don’t really have much to say. I think I am having a bit of an identity crisis. It is a strange feeling going from the deep dark depths of IF to all of a sudden being pregnant. It is not as easy as I had imagined. First of all, I am still not over the devastation of learning that out of 20 eggs, only one embryo was barely viable. Pregnant or not, that is really fucking bad.Whether or not this pregnancy sticks, that heartbreak will last with me forever. And now I fear that any future IVF attempt will be equally questionable. A week and a half ago I was in a very sad, dark place. Now I cannot simply turn around and be a gleeful pregnant lady. As much I would love to become a blissful prego beaming with pride, I still feel like the same worried, anxious, cautious person I have been for a year and a half.

But obviously, I AM happy. I am the happiest I have ever been about anything in my life. THIS is what I have been waiting for. This means more than anything. This would be a miracle. This IS and WILL be the greatest blessing I could imagine.

But….I cant totally let myself go to that happy place yet because if something were to go wrong, the fall would be even harder.

My “OB ultrasound” is on Feb 15th which will be at the 7 week mark. If all goes well they release me to the OB-GYN. (!!?) By then, I promise, I will allow myself to be more excited.

Beta #2

So I’m still pregnant..hooray! My beta results yesterday showed levels that more than doubled to 510! This is great news, but I’m still terrified that something will go wrong because this is too good to be true. What are the chances that this lone survivor from 20 eggs, an itty bitty 4 cell embryo, would actually turn into a pregnancy?!? It is truly a miracle. Every morning I wake up and check to see if my boobs are still sore just to give myself peace of mind that I’m still pregnant.

I’m pregnant. I still haven’t really used those word yet. I have instead been describing my current state in the form of beta levels. Although, I did  say them yesterday as I was getting my H1N1 shot. I figured I should make them aware just in case. The nurse didn’t seem to care though and only reassured me that the shot was safe. If she only knew what this pregnancy meant and what a huge deal it was for me to say those words. Last week, I didn’t know if I ever would.

So Monday I go back for another beta and if that looks good we schedule an ultrasound. I could have sworn the nurse said “OB ultrasound” but it’s way too early for that, right? What a huge leap that will be. In the meantime, I’m taking it day by day, sore boob by sore boob…..

Beta #1

My beta results were pretty good at 194. Hooray! At least I know it wasn’t a chemical pregnancy. So now I can admit that I am pregnant, even though it sounds ridiculously absurd. It sounds as absurd as me saying “I am an acrobat” or “I speak Swahili”. Other people get pregnant, not me. I just get BFN after BFN and buy presents for other people’s babies. Who knew that my body was even capable of this. I still don’t believe it. When I got the call today, it was honestly like any other results call (except a BFN call of course). The nurse congratulated me, told me my number and told me to come back Thursday for Beta #2. I asked her if my pregnancy is at any higher risk because of the intial low cell number of the embryo and she said no. She said it should have caught up by now. Phew! I was worried he would always be a little behind the 8 ball but I guess not. I hung up and went back to work. Weird, huh? I would have pictured myself being hysterical at this point. I did cry this morning, but since then I’ve been very calm. I just feel like I am not out of the woods yet. It is so early and so much can happen. All I know is disapointment and heartbreak so it is really difficult to absorb these results and the reality of it all. I want to ask God, why now? Why have you been withholding this from me for so long and now suddenly allow me to have it? It’s too good to be true. Is there a catch? It’s just a lot to take in.
OK, so I did leave work a little early. I just wasn’t focusing and needed to make a few calls. Only a few close friends know since they knew about the IVF, but we are really going to try not to tell our families for at least 8 weeks. (IF it sticks of course)
I canceled my WTF appt with the RE on Thursday. I was so sure that this wasn’t going to work that I made sure to book an appt right after the results. Canceling that appt was a good feeling. I really hope I dont have to reschedule it.
How do I feel right now? I have lots of twinges and some random cramping in my belly and engorged boobs. Other than that I feel pretty normal. If I wasn’t TTC I would be expecting AF any minute now. So for all of you ladies on your 2ww-dont bother analyzing your symptoms! It will only drive you nuts. I know, I’ve done it a million times.

Still Waiting….and Just a Little Bit Pregnant

There IS such thing as being just a little bit pregnant. Some stupid fertile must have said there wasn’t such thing–thinking he/she was really clever. A positive (or four) pregnancy tests = pregnant. Nope, sorry pal. You’re wrong. There IS such thing as being “kinda” pregnant , and it’s no fun. OK, so it’s a little fun. But mostly torture. All I can do is take it day by day, and today was a good day:

• POAS=still two lines
• My dog is walking around feeling great and begging for food as usual.
• I stepped on the scale this morning and lost 2 lbs.
• My cleaning lady came this afternoon and folded two baskets of laundry

Tomorrow is another day so we’ll have to deal with it as it comes. I think I may leave work early since I wont be able to deal with anything but my cell phone after getting the results–good or bad.

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful comments, support and prayers. They really mean a lot!

MORE Disbelief……TWO lines???

I woke up this morning feeling very down in the dumps. My eyes opened at 6:30am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind was racing with anxiety and fear of the upcoming months and the potentials of failed cycles. My boobs didn’t feel as sore so I was convinced the whole thing was big fat failure.

I decided to POAS. I immediately noticed some faint spotting and thought, “fucking awesome, Im getting my period.” I reached down to put the stick in the line of pee and literally, only about 5 drops came out. WTF?!? Now I’ve wasted a test. But then, I saw it. Two lines. I’ve never seen them before. I just laughed and didnt really believe it. After a few glasses of water I tested again. They’re still there.

I’m happy but I am too scared to be excited. IF has robbed me of what should be a joyful experience. I should be crying, dancing and cheering but instead, Im just going about my day. What is wrong with me? If I am pregnant, when will I ever allow myself to feel excited? Probably not until they put the baby in my arms.  I am so scared that this will be a chemical pregnancy. I find out Tuesday.

I feel like someone needs to shake me right now and say, ” You are pregnant god dammit, the test was positive! Cant you stop being such a downer and just be happy?!?” Well, if I had perfect embryos I might be able to enjoy this more. But mine was a slow developer and the odds werent high.

Say a prayer for my little fighter!!!

Can this month get any worse?

Yesterday was the day from hell. I was rear ended on my way to work. Gotta love pedestrians who don’t pay attention to moving cars! Some girl walked right in front of my car as I was making a U turn so I slammed on my brakes and the car behind me smashed into me. Awesome.

Then at about 9pm, just as I am all cozy in my pajamas, reading some interesting blogs from the ICLW list, I hear  commotion outside. I peek out and see two cars pulled over in front of my house. They say, “Is this your Husky??” Uh Oh. I immediately told myself that he probably just wandered into a neighbor’s yard and got lost. But no. They tell me they think he has been hit by a car. I run over to see my sweet puppy laying on the ground shaking like a leaf. He can’t get up but I don’t see any blood or trauma so I don’t think he got hit. They help me carry him inside and I frantically call my husband who is not picking up his phone. (He was playing cards with the boys and turned his ringer off…figures). Then the cops come since someone called 911 and yelled at me for letting my dog out without a leash. Thanks, insensitive prick.   I sat there for a while with my dog,  just holding him while he shook from fear and anxiety that he could not use his back legs. This had happened once before but only lasted a few minutes.

Finally, husband comes home and we take him to the 24 hour emergency veterinary hospital where they wheeled him in on a doggie stretcher. After seeing this, I lost it. We both did. We thought this was the end for our boy Timber.  We were devastated. When the Vet came out see us she didn’t have any real answers, but if we wanted to leave him for the night for testing it was cost anywhere between  $1,500-$2,000. Um, lady he is 13 years old. Unless you can prolong his life another 10 years I don’t think we should make that kind of investment.

He was able to wobble out with the help of a body sling and we took him home thinking he would see his own Vet this morning. When I got up, he was walking better but  was definitely not himself. 

As all of this was happening, I was wondering how I would possibly survive losing my dog and failing an IVF within the same week. I just don’t think we could handle it. Is this where my life is taking me? Down a road of despair and sadness? I feel like things could easily spiral out of control if I dont hang on tight. What happened to my happy life? Lately, I look at pictures of myself smiling, looking carefree and truly joyful, and longing for that person to come back. Maybe next week, she will. Please, please……..

Quote of the Day from a Stupid Fertile

Said by a good-intentioned friend today after I tried to explain to her the process of IVF and all of the variables that need to work for a healthy embryo to implant:

“I just don’t understand how you CAN’T get pregnant. I mean, I am so fucking fertile that I got pregnant accidently three times–oh yeah, I never did tell you about that abortion I had back in 1999. I mean, I just cannot comprehend how this isn’t working for you.”

Coming Out of the Fog

I finally feel a little bit more like myself today. For the 2nd time in 5 days, I was able to get dressed out of my pajamas, leave the house and do something productive. I ran some errands, did some laundry and cleaned up the house a bit. I feel like I can finally join the world again after literally checking out for a few days. The results of the embryo transfer were shocking, devastating and traumatizing. It felt as if the most important dream and purpose in my life was being ripped away. I was hopeless and sure that my abilities to produce my own biological child were nonexistent.

Trying to wrap my head around a life without children is just far too painful of a reality. I’m just not that interesting or glamorous to pull it off. My spare room is not used for some really cool hobby like painting, photography, fashion design or even fitness; it is totally bare and only has a bed and a shelf full of my old childhood books. My “nightlife” days have also dwindled down significantly and now consists of dinner out with friends or a Red Sox game. We indulge in some nice vacations a few times a year, but generally my schedule is pretty much clear. Another year, or two or three without a child is unfathomable. How would I be able to find any meaning in my life? I even went online to browse donor egg profiles, sure that it would eventually be a necessary step (either that or adoption).

My R.E. Office has not quite redeemed itself, but my R.E. did finally call me today to ease my worries. I totally felt like a boob though after crying on the phone with the nurse, which actually prompted the immediate call from the R.E. So there must have been some dialogue between those calls that went something like: “Um, Dr. X, you better call this patient, she is an absolute basket case.”  Anyway, R.E. feels confident that based on my age, fertilization rates and response to stim drugs, they will be able to adjust to a protocol that will produce some better eggs & embies. I guess the problem was the slow growth of the embryos(duh), and she said that this may even be a good thing because we know what the “unexplained” problem is and focus on fixing it. She sounded very confident that she could whip up another protocol concoction to improve the results next time so I’m choosing to believe her.  What else can I do? I asked her about the issue of not putting 2 embryos in given their size and she basically gave me the answer I suspected, that based on my age they didnt want to take the risk of both of them taking. Uh, yeah whatever. You are the brilliant fucking doctor, you supposedly know everything so I guess I’ll take your word for it. (Little does she know that next time if she tries to pull the “one and done”  thing again on iffy results….. Im going against her wishes!)

Im still praying so hard for this the little embie. If it grows into a baby- we can always tell him/her what a fighter they were and that they will always be our little miracle.

Disbelief

First, I would just like to thank everyone who left me such comforting and heartfelt comments about my awful ET experience. I truly appreciate and cherish your thoughts and prayers.  Thank you.

Unfortunately, the news only gets worse. I got the letter in the mail yesterday saying that they were unable to save any other embryos to freeze. I am beyond devastated and was inconsolable last night after reading that. Not only am I shocked at the results–only ONE out of 20 eggs was (barely)viable!?!? But I am also stunned, disappointed and angry at my R.E. Clinic for how they deal with things.

First of all, I didn’t know anything about how many eggs were mature, how many fertilized, etc until I was sitting there in the procedure room surrounded by the “ET Team”, naked from the waist down and all doped up on Valium. They could have easily come out to see me beforehand to explain how they were progressing and what the fuck it all meant. Instead, I felt rushed, overwhelmed, confused and totally pressured into transferring only ONE, when I’m sure they were not exactly placing bets on the other two making it to freeze. I knew IVF would be difficult and emotional, but never would I have imagined that I would be robbed the chance of giving at least one of my last 2 embies the chance to grow into a baby. I just don’t understand it. It seems that my clinic is especially conservative about the number of embryos transferred and even boasts on their website that they have “one of the highest rates of single-embryo transfers”. Well good for fucking you. My last two embryos are gone and  for all we know, they may have been my only chance at a baby.

I also have a problem with the fact that I was told nothing by the nurse yesterday morning when I made the WTF call. She knew I had zero embryos left but could only tell me that she’d leave a message for the R.E. who’d call me back on Monday.

I am seriously considering changing doctors.

So now, I just wait and hold out hope for the little embryo inside me. That would be my miracle. My greatest life’s blessing. If this works, I wouldn’t need much more in life. This is all I want. Please God, make this work.

Transferred

I wish I could say that I was elated right now, but I am not. I wish i could say that I am “PUPO”(Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise”), but I am not even that optimistic. I wish. I wish. I wish I felt better about my chances. I honestly cannot remember the last time I cried this much. I feel like my big balloon of excitement has been  just been popped and all that is left is a big ugly deflated piece of rubber on the floor.

We walked into the R.E. Office feeling very positive and excited. I sat there diligently drinking my 3 big glasses of water while DH just sat there smiling. Once we got into the procedure room, things just got overwhelming. I had my husband there next to me, along with a nurse, the ultrasound tech, the doctor and the embryologist who came in and out. The doctor was not my doctor and I couldn’t imagine that his specialty was infertility because he was anything but comforting. The first thing he said was ” I need to talk to you about your embryos.”. Um, yeah asshole, that is why I’m here so spit it out. He tells me that they are growing slowly and that I have 3-4 ( I forgot) at the 4 cell stage. There was a bunch of others but I guess the quality wasnt that great. Seriously, it all happens so fast that I couldn’t absorb everything that they were telling me. There was one 4 cell at grade “A” so they will implant that one. The other 2 or so will continue to grow and they will let me know if they make it to freeze. WHAT?! What happened to my 20 eggs? Where are all of my perfect 7-8 cell embryos I thought we were going to get? I also felt pressured into only transferring in 1. It felt like they didn’t give me a choice since my R.E. suggested transferring only 1 because of my age. The doctor that was there said “Now we don’t want twins…” Umm, would that be the worst thing in the world? What if the other few don’t even make it to freeze and their only chance for survival was in my uterus? What if this was my last chance? WHAT THE FUCK. I can’t believe my embryo, though high quality supposedly–is not at the optimal size. I cannot believe that I may indeed have to go through this process again, if not for my first baby but for my second. I really thought that I was done. After hearing that I had 20 eggs I thought they would end up being my kids. No more hormone injections and egg retrievals. No more of THIS.

During the transfer, we watched on the screen as the little embie went into the uterus. The nurse had to give me tissues because I had tears streaming down my face. My poor husband–so enamored with this embryo and optimistic for this cycle–felt heartbroken for me. I thought I was going to cry from happiness during the procedure but instead I cried from my sucky, disappointing results.

Another emotional factor was that they told me to come in for the pg test on Jan 26th–which is the day before my brother’s birthday who past away when I was 16. I always felt like his spirit would live on in my son one day. The timing of this just makes it more meaningful and of course more emotional no matter what the outcome is.

Well, here I am on the 2ww.  We have a picture of our little embie which my husband loves. I would post it here but unfortunately I’m just not feeling that celebratory right now. Maybe I just need to give it time.  I want to feel better but I cant help but feeling like my whole world is crashing down on me. My eggs must suck. My one dream in life of being a mom continues to elude me. I don’t even want to talk to anyone right now.  I am at a loss.

Today is the Day!

I just got the call from the nurse and today is the day!! Good thing I had that last glass of wine last night. Good thing I stayed at work until 8:30pm to make sure I would be covered to be out for a couple days. I dont care if Friday is really busy in my office–I am taking the day of bed rest! I want to do everything I can to give this little embie a happy home.

I am wondering though, why Day 3? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Does this mean the embies are not developing as well, or that they are? I was reading about it online last night and some say it is better to wait until Day 5. I also wish they could tell me SOMETHING about my little cell-babies. How are they? How many are they? Are they strong? Did they have to use ICSI? I have no idea!

So now, I wait…and clean up my house. I was also thinking about making an appt to get my hair highlighted on Saturday….is that safe? If I dont do it now I will have two tone hair by the end of the first trimester. (Assuming there is one..)

How do i feel? (Obviously a bit clueless because I keep asking questions.) I feel excited but cautious. I feel fat, bloated and constipated. I feel so happy that I have gotten farther than I ever have before. I feel blessed to have this opportunity and to have loving friends who are just as excited as I am. I feel lucky to have a loving husband who wants this as mush as I do and is just about doing cartwheels right now he is so excited. I feel like God has His plan for this baby and will bless us now if it is right,  and if it is time.

Eggies Retrieved

Well, I am pleased to announce that we retrieved 20 eggs this morning! I am still slowly coming out of the anesthesia cloud so I haven’t really had a chance to absorb it all yet.  I just hope that most of these eggs will be mature, will actually fertilize and then make it to freeze so I don’t have to go through this process again. Wow. I can’t believe this is all really happening.  Has it really hit me yet?

The whole retrieval process wasn’t too bad. The procedure itself only took only about 15 minutes (I think) and besides some cramping right after, was not painful at all.  After popping a few Tylenol,  I have felt fine all day. Just veeeeeerrrry drowsy!

I must say that the experience would have been so much better if we had had a private room! I just hate those day surgery rooms! As soon as we walked in, all we saw was a bunch of women on beds with their husbands beside them. This was kind of awkward and depressing, as was watching them all get wheeled in and out of the surgery room. I also did not really enjoy walking into the restroom with my “johnny” on, just barely flashing my ass to everyone. OK, so maybe I am just a wimp with little to no surgery experience. I guess I just have to grow up and suck it up.

Another strange part of the day was being in a hospital bed and gown, IV in arm, with my hubby there next to me, but not having a baby there with us to take home. As soon as I woke up, I immediately started crying because I felt like I should have had a baby there to hold. I know that I was just emotional from the drugs, but it still felt like something was missing.

I really hope this week goes by fast. I feel well enough to go to work tomorrow, which I guess will be a good distraction. It will be interesting that is for sure.

Let’s do this

At 10:00 pm  last night, after a wonderful, romantic dinner at an Italian restaurant (and shared bottle of Chianti), my husband gave me my trigger shot. Hopefully it will be my LAST injection–period. I was thanking God that the scary 22 gauge needle that I had dreaded for weeks was actually NOT the needle used for the injection! It turned out that we only had to use that needle for the drawing of liquid when mixing Novarel, and then we switched it with a MUCH smaller needle for the injection. I hardly even felt it!

So far the past few weeks have been drama free, but yesterday I got a taste of the “mind-fuck” effect that this process can have on you. I was pretty tired, anxious and distracted after my early morning monitoring appt. so I figured I would just relax on the couch and wait for the call. At around 1:45p.m., I started getting impatient and left a message on my nurse’s VM,  just in case they maybe forgot about me or lost my file or something. My RE Office is obviously closed on Saturday afternoons and the voicemail is only checked until 2:00pm. Like clockwork, I normally get the calls between 11:00am and 1:00pm so by 3:00pm I was losing my shit!! I started crying, convinced that they weren’t going to call and that this whole cycle was going down the tubes. In my just slightly hormonal state, I thought that maybe the Saturday nurse had car trouble and/or spilled coffee on my file or maybe had the stomach flu and just didn’t show up. I was freaking out at the thought of my follicles being neglected, having to go through all of this again and wondering if they would still charge me since it was they’re fault it got fucked up.

Then, as my husband shone a big “I told you so” grin, the phone rang. I had to literally compose myself before answering. The nurse told me that I was “cooked”,  with 26 measurable follicles and an E2 count of 3150!  Sounds good to me. I just hope this warrants lots and lots of eggs and healthy embryos.

Tomorrow is the big day. It is so surreal, but not in a bad way. My husband and I have been giddy talking about baby stuff, and we haven’t done that since we started TTC almost a year and half ago. As soon as we suspected a problem, all giddiness went out the window. It’s nice to have that feeling back and to be given back the chance to be purely & positively excited.   I am so glad we made this decision and haven’t once looked back. I don’t know what this week will bring, but so far the process has been much better than expected. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing support system because without it I don’t know if I would have had the courage to have taken this step.

I know that this wont be easy…… but I’m ready.

Fuck you, “infertility”. I’m ready to prove you wrong.

Getting Close!

This morning was my fourth monitoring appt this week. I look like a freaking heroine addict I have so many holes in my arms!

Here are my numbers: E2=2179. Follicles: (2) 17, (3)16,15, 14.5,(2)13.5, (3)13, 12.5, (5) 12

The nurse said that depending on tomorrow’s monitoring results, tomorrow might may be trigger day! Wow. I guess the 16’s and 17’s look good but I cant imagine the 12’s being big enough for a tomorrow trigger. I dont know much but it doesn’t seem like I have that many (almost) mature follies. The RE did decrease my meds again from 112 to 75, so who the hell knows. I am sick of analyzing!

My husband wanted to have his friends over to watch the play-off games tomorrow night and I told him NO because a) I just cant deal and b) he has to give me the mega trigger shot. So instead, we are going to go out to enjoy a nice meal and some wine, since this could be my last chance for 9 months! Giving up alcohol wont be too hard but I am worried about giving up caffeine though I must admit. I have been drinking more of it lately to help fight the sleepy/cloudy brain effects from all of this estrogen and feel totally addicted to it.

I am in a pretty good place right now, but a strange place. I dont feel particularly emotional, but have an extremely short fuse. I don’t particularly want any sympathy from people but yet I am annoyed if a friend forgets to ask how it’s going when I talk to them. I feel like I cant handle any major events or socializing this weekend, but still want to keep myself busy to distract myself.  I feel like a fat ass because I am so out of shape and have gained about 5-6 pounds. My  pants were so tight that I almost unbuttoned them at work today. Im sure it’s a combination of the medication and my increased consumption of comfort food. I am forgiving myself though because doing IVF is rough enough let alone in the middle of January…

Well let’s hope those little follies do a lot of growing tonight….. grow follies grow!

Moving Along

Well here I am at Day 6. I’m still surprised at how well I’ve been coping and wonder when things will make a turn for the worse. When will I break down in tears? When will I finally crack at the pressure and fall apart? At the egg retrieval? Or when they call me at work to tell me how my embryos are doing. It may be when my husband shoots me in the ass with the enormous needle they gave me for the Novarel trigger shot. I never thought I would miss the nice little old Ovidril needle.

Here are today’s numeros–

Estradiol–whopping 1066!! LH, 2.08.

Left Ovary- 13mm, 12.5, 12, 11, 2 at 10.5. Right Ovary-14mm, 13.5, 13, 12, 10

Thankfully I am responding so well to the stims that they decreased my dosage again to 75! I am so relieved because now I know that I will be able to survive the side effects. Hell, I may even go out on Saturday night. Tomorrow I go back again for another check. My poor arms are starting to bruise from all of these blood draws!

These 2 nightly injections are annoying but I am getting used to them. I feel like I am so entrenched in this process, that I cant imagine what the next step will be like. I know I can do this. The needles, the 7:00 am ultrasounds&blood draws and waiting for my instruction calls from the RE nurse. I am a professional at this, but honestly do now know how I will handle a failed IVF cycle. There is too much to lose. All of my cards are on the table and the stakes are high. I went from playing the slot machine to throwing a million dollars down at a poker table. If I lose, I lose big. I dont want to be a debbie downer right now but I have to think about this reality to prepare myself.

We just booked a trip to the Carribean in March to visit my sister who lives there. She just sent me a picture of a cocktail saying “This is what we’ll be doing in 8 weeks!!” (I obviously haven’t told her about the IVF next week). I pretended to go along with it but really all I can hope is that I wont be able to drink. And if I can, it means that this would have failed. It is too hard to fathom.

Day 4 Results

So I just got my results back from my first “stim-check” baseline blood/ultrasound. My numbers are as follows:

Estradiol -421. LH-1.61.

Right Ovary-12 antral follicles. Left Ovary-13  antral follicles.

Apparently these numbers are good, but a little bit too good. They are dropping me down from 225 units of Gonal-F to 112 units. I guess this is a good sign that things are happening. I am also extremely relieved that I will be taking a lower dosage of meds. Although I have been feeling fine so far, I’ve been worried that eventually I would turn into a monster and wouldn’t be able to function. I even canceled plans we had for this Saturday night because I assumed that I would be in a such a tired, emotional and bitchy mood that I wouldn’t be that much fun to be around. Wow. Is it possible that I will be able to survive this process without losing my mind? Have I already lost it but just arent aware of it because I’m  insane?  I must be insane because I decided to take a 24 hour Real Estate licensure course this weekend (12 hours each day!). Meanwhile, my car is in the shop and my husband’s passenger side window is broken and wont close. Just picture me getting driven to and from class in my husband’s truck, riding around in a freezing snowstorm with a scarf around my head because my window is wide open. I am a glutton for punishment that is for sure.

This week will be fairly uneventful, but NEXT week is when the fun really starts. Im guessing I will trigger this Sunday- Yikes!

Ok, Im ready. Let’s get this motherfucker started.

My Day 1 is January 1!

I hope this is a sign. I just got the results call from my baseline blood and ultrasound this morning and the nurse told me my “Day 1″ of stims will be tomorrow-January 1st. I love that it coincides with the new year! She said my estradiol level was nice and low at 52 and that I had follicles which were less than 10 millimeters on each ovary. I take one more 10 unit dose of Lupron tonight, then decrease it to 5 units tomorrow along with 225 units of Gonal F. Then another baseline appt first thing Monday morning. Woohooo! This is getting exciting.

Happy New Year!

IVF Journey Day #7: Counting My Blessings

Things are going surprisingly well. I have this week off from work and had been grateful that at least I wouldn’t be sitting in my office  pulling my hair out and being an emotional basket case. But right now, I am in a good place. Tomorrow may be a different story but I’m taking this one day at a time. I have my week planned out in a perfect balance of productivity and relaxation. My agenda includes: shopping/returning gifts, spa facial, cleaning out closets, long wine lunch with a good friend, donating old clothes to charity, getting car serviced, etc.  I should be working out and dieting but once again, I’ll forgive myself for keeping these few extra pounds on. (Hey, I need some extra skin to take all these injections right??)  I’m just hoping that everything will go smoothly for this cycle and that there will be no surprises. For instance, having to postpone stims due to cysts or having to cancel the whole thing due to overstimulation. I’m trying not to think too much about all of the negative possibilities and am trying only to focus on the positive ones.

I have to say though that I must be the most clueless person ever to be doing IVF. I started spotting today and immediately thought that something was wrong. After a few google searches I realized that it is normal to get your period while on Lupron. For some reason, I figured I wouldn’t get it. Oh well, you learn something new everyday in the land of ART.

In my last post, I wrote about how self-destructive it is to compare your life to others, and how each individual’s journey is too unique to parallel with any other. Today, I realized this more than ever. I had a very long talk with an old college roommate who just had her first baby six weeks ago. I had called her several times over the past few weeks but hadn’t heard anything back from her, which was strange.  In college I was always a bit envious of her because she was so ambitious and came from an idyllic family. She never had to worry about money since her father was a prominent doctor in Manhattan and while she successfully worked her way through the nursing program,  I slacked off and had to change majors. It would still be easy for me right now to be a bit envious of her, as she enjoys her new healthy baby girl. But now that I see the big picture, I feel so lucky to be me………. infertile or not.

I always knew that her husband was a jerk, but I learned today that he is full-blown verbally and emotionally abusive. He calls her terrible names, belittles her and blames her for everything. Even on the way  to the hospital as she was starting labor he was yelling at her for something she forgot to do earlier that day. He threatens to divorce her and even threatened to take the baby. He told her she was emotionally unstable the week after she gave birth and told her she was unfit to care for her baby. I warned her that she needed to put her foot down and to not tolerate this anymore, but I’m not sure she’ll really ever stand up to him. I feel so sad for my friend and don’t know how to help her.

I do know that I would rather be childless than be abused.

I have been realizing more and more that the meaning in my life should not be measured solely based on baby or no baby. Life has so many layers and so many hidden blessings.  My journey has been bumpy but it makes me who I am. I love all of the quirky little pieces and layers and wouldn’t trade them  for the world. Even though I may not have reached motherhood yet, I know that I am on my way, and feel pretty damn fulfilled with ALL I have and WHO I have to take me there……

Hello Lupron….The IVF Adventure Begins

Today is day #2 of Lupron. So far so good. In fact, it’s pretty anticlimactic. Because this hormone actually suppresses your cycle I feel kind of like I’m going backwards instead of forwards, but I guess I should trust the experts and believe that I am actually working towards something. The nurse told me that it is better to start with a “clean slate”. Clean slate, dirty slate– whatever works. I feel normal so far….with no noticable side effects thankfully. I was worried that I would be a crazy bitch on Christmas so hopefully things don’t make a turn for the worse tomorrow.

I am so ready for this. I feel like a college freshman being dropped off on campus for the first time. It’s so scary but in a good way. The excitement of the unknown, of all of the wonderful possibilities and of knowing that as of this very moment–I will never be the same. After this process, no matter what the outcome, I will be forever changed. The actual procedure seems so far away right now, but actually it’s not. My biggest worry (aside from it not working) is what I will tell work as to why I will be out sporadically during the first week of the semester. I work in university administration and the first week of the semester is like christmas week for retailers. I can’t just call in with the sniffles, it has to be a serious issue. It’s going to be hell but hopefully well worth it.

It is nice having the distraction of the holidays right now. I am really enjoying them so far and am feeling genuinely happy about my life. I’m in a good place. Looking back on past cycles, Im realizing that I was not in the best state. I was feeling overwhelmed, impatient and angry. Right now, at this moment, I feel content, forgiving and accepting. Of course, it is easy to feel this way knowing I don’t have to go back to work until Jan 4th and because I’ve been off of meds for almost a month. At least I know that I am comfortable with myself and with my decision. I am fully present and feel totally satisfied. This is my journey and there is no turning back.

I had a great long talk today on the phone with an old friend. She lives a life many would be envious of–she is brilliantly talented, lives on the ocean in California, has a great career and travels the world. She has not yet married her live in boyfriend and is not sure she wants children. She was talking about how frustrating it is sometimes talking to her sister, whose life seemed so easy sometimes. Her sister is getting ready to have a baby and has a husband who makes a good enough living so that she doesn’t have to go back to work. Understandably, my friend felt a bit jealous that while she was toiling away at her stressful job, her sister was home trying new recipes and knitting baby clothes. My friend could not see how amazing her life was at that moment, but instead just how lucky her sister was for not having to work. I told her that that was HER journey and that you can never compare others to yours. Each one is so different and is filled with its own blessings and heartbreaks–just in different forms.

This of course made me realize how important it is that I look at this the same way. This is MY journey. It is mine alone and it will bring me to where I am meant to be.

The Year of Good Fortune

I have decided that 2010 will be my year of good fortune. 2009 was a year of struggle, frustration and disappointment. Im so glad it’s over.

While I feel that my life is generally filled with good fortunes, 2009 did not bring me anything but crap. I realized this last night at a pre-holiday dinner as my family played a game called “Peppermint Pig.” Each person takes the candy pig, tells a story of good fortune from the past year and then hits the pig with hammer to break pieces off (there is more background to this game but I honestly wasnt paying attention to it). As the pig went around the table I became more and more nervous because I could not think of one damn story of good fortune this year. My cousin, aunt, uncle, etc. all had plenty to say since my cousin just had a baby last month. As I went through each month of 2009, all I could think of was heartache, tears, a bunch of fucking bullshit, crap and more bullshit. Finally, at my turn I emotionally said that my good fortune was that my Dad survived a horrible motorcycle accident in August. This was my one my true blessing this year. I do have one.

I will choose to believe that next Christmas, as the pig makes its way around to me, I will have lots to say. I will be overflowing with joy and gratefulness. I will be holding that pig, looking at my husband with tears in my eyes not knowing where to start. This will be my best year yet.

While I look forward to the outcome, I do step timidly to this next step of IVF. My mind has mostly been consumed with work and the holidays over these past few weeks and I think that I have been somewhat in denial about the process I am about to embark on. My box of IVF medications has been stuffed in a closet and I haven’t even spent much time looking at it or reading through it. I need to face it now because my blood draw is in two days and Lupron will start immediately after that.

I feel like I am getting on a roller coaster. I’m locked in and it’s starting to roll down the track. Im the most scared and excited as I’ve ever been…